Physical Abuse, Amnesia And Pain

[brokenbones]

I relate to you so much, because this is my life: feeling something come up strongly, and then my body/mind shuts it down immediately. It is often accompanied by some sort of physical jerk, like my body needs to physically 'jump' to get me out of potentially dangerous (mental) territory.

I trust the body's innate intelligence. We forget stuff in order to protect ourselves, to cocoon ourselves from this horrible trauma. I'm sure you experience many other symptoms of trauma. Maybe that is all you can handle now, today, and tomorrow. I personally do not push it when my body/mind shuts down. We humans can handle a lot of abuse, so when my body shuts it out so forcefully, I feel it is not right to push things. I've been in active therapy (and I am a hard-working, self-empowered client) for 20 years. I believe that the traumas we experience in childhood ~ when we are developing everything, including our brain chemistry ~ are especially difficult to undo or heal. I believe that patience is key. It sounds like you experienced horrific things. Your inner child is way too scared to bring it all up, and maybe needs a better foundation for doing so. A better foundation means you, as a person, having more mental health and wellness, and more coping tools so that your inner child can trust that you will be okay when it wants to bring it up. I think this phenomenon of shutting down is self-protective. I know it feels like stalling, I'm there myself. But, I realize that I need to heal so much more, so much better before anything as distressing and alarming as these childhood traumas can actually surface. I wish you the best in your recovery.

 

[Hashi]

In my experience, it's about having resources to cope before you can allow yourself to remember and feel. Resources are things like therapy, grounding, journalling, self-soothing, imagery, relaxation techniques and being able to share and/or vent here on the forum.

I think our sujbconscious minds know exactly what they're doing when they decide to hold back memories, or let us recover them. The best thing we can do is work on safety and strength. The rest follows.

 

[Magnoliagal]

I'm 13 years out from starting therapy and I still can't remember much of my childhood. I remember enough to know it sucked and those lost memories have not hindered my growth. I'm doing well actually. Mostly dealing with healing my family as they were affected deeply by my PTSD. I still cry when triggered emotionally but it's not near what it used to be.

 

[Redd1]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. I'm 60 and CPTSD has always been a large part of my life. Due to the number of trauma I have gotten good at acceptance and rage control. I am dreaming for the first time in my life without dying. Sleep is most of the time good but...I can feel the weight and the depth the pain I (we) carry. And for the first time in my life I see a beginning of freedom and have gotten impatient. This is what I like about the forum, something can be sitting right in front of you and with the help of others you begin to see it yourself.

 

[solond]

Reddi...go slow...I am 76 years old and buried my abuse until starting therapy in 1982. Memories came back one at a time over the next 14 years. I was only given as much as I could handle. I still suffer from flashbacks. I have been to 6 or 7 therapists. They all helped but it ain't over yet. My prayers are with you all.