Picking Random Fights

[Turtle]

Ok, I think this may be part of my irritation coming out, but I keep picking fights with my carer that I don't even care about. It's stupid little things, and it sucks. We both just rub each other (it's been a little stressful since I left for winter break), but we just keep rubbing, until it turns into a fight. I end up triggering, he calms me down and then we start all over again in a day or two. It's just little things that build up, then one of our major issues gets brought up and we argue over that. It's annoying as hell, but I don't know how to stop it.

It's been really stressful for me lately and I'm supposed to go see him in a few days. I really want to see him, but I need this cycle to stop until then, and hopefully afterwards. I don't like us going to separate corners for too long bc I start to doubt why he would stay and then things just get worse with that. And he never makes the first move to come back anymore, he wants to make sure I want him there. But I can't keep making that move, it's too hard sometimes to ask for the closeness I need. I'd rather have him assume I want him there, and ask for space when I need it.

Anyone have any suggestions for how we can deal with each other when we just want to rub?

 

[Turtle]

Ok I guess that turned into a post about two things, 1) how to stop rubbing each other, or what to do and 2) how to deal with who makes the first move to reconnect again.

Ugh, I don't like the holidays. :(

 

[Philippa]

Don't know the answers...but I'd like to. I do the same thing. I pick fights on this other forum I'm part of, where everyone is so 'nice', and polite and no one ever wants conflict...and I don't know whether it;s just me feeling like...that's just fake that they are always so nice, or it's the PTSD. I know that my personality changed a lot after the first sexual assault, and I picked fights a lot. I got kicked out of home for picking a fight with my mother one time...all she did was drink a bottle of wine that my boyfriend bought for me, and replaced it with the wrong bottle...but it was enough to cause a tsunami in me. I ended up in a domestic violence shelter...because my parents didn't realize that I had PTSD (even though the psychologist told them I did...it went in one ear and out the other, and they acted like none of it even happened, and everything was ok)

I never used to like fighting, but I get accused of needing it and needing conflict now. I don't know whether they are right and i am now one of 'those' people who just likes to fight...or whether it's just the pTSD and they are just ignorant...maybe it's a bit of both by now?

I'd like to learn to not fight...but it's like I just attack at the slightest provocation and half the time other people say I wasn't even attacked to start with, but I feel like I am being attacked. It's hard on the internet to tell...sometimes people ARE attacking you, and it's just that other people aren't on the receiving end so they don't know what's going on, and other times...it's just me!

 

[Darkness Shines]

And he never makes the first move to come back anymore, he wants to make sure I want him there. But I can't keep making that move, it's too hard sometimes to ask for the closeness I need. I'd rather have him assume I want him there, and ask for space when I need it.

Well, you have to tell him this, and hopefully he'll listen.

It's just little things that build up, then one of our major issues gets brought up and we argue over that. It's annoying as hell, but I don't know how to stop it.

Have you sat down and talked about the major issues with everyone calm?

Communication is important in all relationships, but with PTSD it's essential. We have enough frustration without adding miscommunications into the mix.

I have a LOT of anger issues and tend to pick fights with my husband just because I want someone to yell at (and back when we first got together I repeatedly tried to provoke him out of insecurity--I wanted him to either hit me or leave me like everyone else in my life always had and it took me a long time and a lot of 'testing' to accept that he wasn't going to do either). Now that I'm secure in the relationship, I just misdirect anger onto him, probably because I do feel secure. I don't really have a lot of advice on how to stop that, unless your carer is willing to be as patient and defusing as James. I don't yell at him nearly as much as I used to because it's just not satisfying to yell at someone who won't escalate, lol.