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Piecing things together

Thread starter #589
Our previous counselor thinks we need someone more specialized. He also can't work across state lines and because so much of our issues are around ADHD and anxiety he can't help us. Gave us some new people to call. I don't want to call anyone else. I'm tired of working on my relationship. I don't want to get used to a new helper. Especially when so many of our issues are because his stuff isn't managed well and his coping skills are not always great. I asked him to get individual months ago and it took forever and predictably he has not made enough progress for me to feel like waiting anymore.

I don't know how I will feel in a few days but today I feel like f*ck more counseling when he's not doing more to work on himself. I can't work on my trauma issues when he is creating so much instability.
Thread starter #590
Feeling better, less dysregulated and also less ill. Back to exercise which I've not felt well enough to do. Still no test results.

Husband came home last night all lovey. I had to tell him that I have decided I do not want to schedule marriage counseling right now, that I am tired of working on the relationship and we can be friends and coparents but that is all I can offer at the moment. I asked him to please not take advantage of how hard it is for me to stick to boundaries like this. More was said, it was brief.

And now today he is suddenly doing all the things he wasn't doing before. That is super annoying. Don't wait til someone has given up to make an effort.

I am really unclear about how much of my trust issues with him are trauma related and how much is his actual behavior. I am really confused. I am not perfect.
Thread starter #591
I am afraid to be happy.
I decided to face the music and redirect my energy to my own internal dumpster fire instead of distracting myself with other people's stuff, their business, what they are doing or are not doing.
Let it begin with me and all of that.
So now I'm nice and tuned into fear, depression, feeling not good enough.
I avoid. I avoid last minute changes, playful exchanges, putting myself in situations where I can actually develop friendships. When you assume everyone will eventually hurt you it's hard to build a real relationship. Trauma/anxiety makes me self-absorbed.
I did some yoga psychology stuff tonight and I would love nothing more than to just drop this stupid ego that obsesses over things, can't let go of things, has unrealistic expectations of self and others.
I interact online to get the illusion of friendship but I have no friends here. I try to make friends and overanalyze or put my foot in my mouth. I default to being the helpful person, so basically I garner no respect from anyone whatsoever I just offer myself up to be used. Because I'm afraid I have nothing to offer otherwise.

My gosh I am so good at avoiding this work.
Thread starter #592
Dysregulated. Another argument about covid precautions. I asked him to take an umbrella when he goes into the store and he yelled at me. He talked down to me about my concern that a mask getting wet reduces its effectiveness. Turns out the evidence supports my belief. I really have tried to pick my battles and not be controlling but it's hard not to ask for strict behavior around bringing germs into my house. I said something about trying to limit my specific preferences to this one area of exposure risk and he laughed at me.

Gee, I get it, you think I'm a control freak. I guess that's my consequences.

Things are not good if he doesn't even care if his actions cause my death.

Things were going more or less ok but as usual if there is a problem, communication about it is not going well.

I guess I will just assume he's exposing me at all times and wear a mask around him at all times, sanitize my home more often, and basically just assume he isn't protecting me at all.
Thread starter #593
I'm so afraid that this is all my fault and I'll just be a terrible person in every relationship I ever have. I should do the world a favor and commit to being alone.

I'm trying to stay consistent which as a disorganized attachment person isn't easy. He brought up something earlier about how he's been told he's not allowed to communicate on romantic terms because I need a break from that part of the marriage. I found myself softening and wanting to move closer to him. I didn't though, because I don't want to confuse him. I really think it is best that we try to optimize our co-parenting relationship and make efforts to separate. Whether this is all him or all me or some combination I don't see how it could become workable ever again, and I'm not sure I'd want it to anyway due to some issues in the marriage that I have never disclosed here.

He doesn't respect me. I don't trust him. I keep reading that a relationship will rarely get better once those things are gone.
I am trying to find someone that can do some interventions with me specifically for disorganized attachment issues. It is not easy to find this!
That would be OCD ( just my opinion) While I have been here for most of your diary. I can't remember you saying what meds you are taking for PTSD? Anything for OCD? Curios?
Thread starter #596
That would be OCD ( just my opinion) While I have been here for most of your diary. I can't remember you saying what meds you are taking for PTSD? Anything for OCD? Curios?
I don't tolerate SSRIs very well which I believe is the only OCD medication. I take buspirone and I have bupropion but I do not take it. I've got a benzo for acute attacks but try not to take it.

A friend of mine suggested that I might have high functioning autism. She has seen me post in a different forum and recognized that I compulsively pursue closure and apparently that's common in Asperger's.

I think you're right I have OCD traits, but I think I probably have disorganized attachment also.
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Thread starter #598
Found two providers who both sound comfortable working with my attachment issues. One has 40 years of experience and I felt 100% comfortable talking with them about it. The other knows a modality that might be especially helpful, and I have parts objecting or raising cautions about her in our conversation.

On one hand, working with someone that stirs up my anxiety might make it easier to shift. On the other maybe it is important to work with someone that feels safe from the outset.

One male, would help with dad related transference. The other female, might help with mom related.

I am leaning toward the more experienced person that feels safe.
When I'm poorly regulated I obsess about sex, but only sex. Do you obsess about many things, or just your relationship?
Mostly the relationship but I can get stuck on issues of justice, fairness, etc. I was obsessive about the immigrant children being taken from their parents and I was obsessive about the pandemic when it started. When I had a work related incident I got stuck in processing that as well.

I asked my husband this question as we are getting along right now and he says "you get fixated on lots of social stuff and relationships of all kinds not just ours."

I have a big problem with ambiguity and unclear expectations as well as unmet expectations/perfectionism.
Thread starter #599
Having a really really hard time. Feeling so insecure. Concentration is off. Short fused with my partner. I'm sure I'm being really annoying and I wish I could crawl in a hole and die. I'm not suicidal but I hate being needy. I hate being sensitive. I hate when I hit these patches of instability.

Feeling professionally useless, personally useless, worthless and burdensome.

I told my partner yesterday that I get along so well with my friends from my last job because they always make me feel wanted. I get invited to things, they reach out to talk to me. They don't reach out constantly. I'm not a bottomless pit of validation needs. But my partner is distracted and in his own world so he doesn't make me feel wanted very much. I hate it. I wish I didn't care.

Dealing with a lot of shame and fear bubbling up, overriding my meds. Doesn't help that I am apparently too liberal for my local area but not woke enough for other spaces I visit so I'm left feeling politically exhausted from trying to be a good enough citizen in the wake of all this police brutality stuff. I feel like I'm doing my part then get called out for doing it wrong.

I think all of this may be connected to starting up with a new therapist but f*ck I hate feeling so out of control.
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