Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

I was really mean at 2:30 in the morning the night I learned of this betrayal. He wouldn't discuss it properly of course. No apology. I went to bed, woke at 2:30 and the dog wanted out. Come in the living room and he's naked eating snacks.

He told me he would work on his weight, for safety reasons as he gained a lot in a short time and is carrying it all on his belly which is not good for the heart.

And yet continues to eat a lot of food late at night.

I should be kinder about that because the pandemic is making a lot of people binge out of boredom, depression, etc.

Instead I saw this as one more way he didn't keep his word and I said something rude about him promising he would work on this and instead he's just getting fatter.

He said f*ck you. He was probably right to do that.

When he breaks my trust I am flooded with all the other ways he has done so.

The fridge has a whiteboard that when things are good, he uses to complete tasks for the family. I wrote on there who f*cking cares I can't trust you to do any of this anyway.

He won't fix the broken trust when it is small and repairable so it balloons out like this.

I am having a drink for lunch today. f*ck my life.

 

[Deanna]

I am having a drink for lunch today. f*ck my life.

Be careful how much you drink especially taking meds.

 

[HealingMama]

Be careful how much you drink especially taking meds.

Thanks. I never drink more than one drink at a time. I might have one more just before bed. That will be 6-7 hours between them.

 

[Deanna]

Thanks. I never drink more than one drink at a time. I might have one more just before bed. That will be 6-7 hours between them.

That's really tough that your relationship is just constant bickering. When he said, " fxck you", it would have been over for me. So sorry I'm not much on good advise today. He did tell the kid and not you. The kid told you, but you know he fears this hyperness about you, to have done that. Or, he didn't want you both to fight.

This is a new place, a new job for you and you have a load on your shoulders, right there. He's eating more, so he's nervous. Take in consideration that you may need a break for the day. Walk around a park or call an old friend from work.

 

[HealingMama]

That's really tough that your relationship is just constant bickering. When he said, " fxck you", it would have been over for me. So sorry I'm not much on good advise today. He did tell the kid and not you. The kid told you, but you know he fears this hyperness about you, to have done that. Or, he didn't want you both to fight.

This is a new place, a new job for you and you have a load on your shoulders, right there. He's eating more, so he's nervous. Take in consideration that you may need a break for the day. Walk around a park or call an old friend from work.

Yeah he didn't want to deal with my anxiety. That was his stated reason for telling her not to tell me.
Well, I guess he can deal with no relationship then because how can I possibly ever trust him again. Even if I am overreacting, he says he just wasn't thinking but that means he can just as easily do something like this again.
I am avoiding him. I tried to get him to address it when the wounds were fresh and instead he betrayed me again by refusing to do so. Comes home last night ready to talk. I left the room as soon as he got home. What's the point.

I would be a hypocrite to leave after being told f you. I have had a terrible mouth at times. I mean I guess I am a hypocrite now. Depending how you define trust I am not trustworthy either. But I wouldn't knowingly increase his risk of death and tell someone to cover up the fact that I did so.

 

[Deanna]

Sorry.. If my man says fu#k you to me.. He is degrading me and I will just leave. I've had enough fights like that. ( and had coke spewed in intervals on me, once) to get over someone pretty quick.( That's where I was coming from) How would he live without your paycheck? He doesn't act like he provides very much emotional support to begin with. ( just saying) I'm just being honest with you.

 

[HealingMama]

Sorry.. If my man says fu#k you to me.. He is degrading me and I will just leave. I've had enough fights like that. ( and had coke spewed in intervals on me, once) to get over someone pretty quick.( That's where I was coming from) How would he live without your paycheck? He doesn't act like he provides very much emotional support to begin with. ( just saying) I'm just being honest with you.

Yeah, if the problem isn't about him he is very supportive usually. One time I had a work related issue that triggered my anxiety and I spewed on and on about it for like an hour and a half and he just listened, rubbed my back/feet, offered sex for stress relief, offered an orgasm without any expectation that he have one, when I am incapacitated from my chronic illness he steps up well, but he's just got this massive ego defensive shit that makes him terrible at the kind of support, growth and intimacy that comes with true humility and accountability.

I mean, I wouldn't have had the patience with someone to sit with them and offer reassurance while they spiraled for an hour, and that's what I do professionally! Lol. (I'm joking, but that's also kind of true, it's really hard to do that for people all day then do it in my personal life. A lot of therapists are terrible listeners in their families.)

He also has convinced me that I am the main reason everything is shit, so I have been trying to pay for my mistakes hoping that the relationship can become good, or at least trying to be classier in my reactions to him so I can end it graciously. It's pretty toxic being with someone so defensive they are content to convince you that you're the main reason everything is bad.

But there hasn't been a baseline of respect and civility in a long time, and now this issue? And he can't even try to repair it properly? Meh.

 

[HealingMama]

Good article about why my agenda of pushing my partner to prove they understand why I am upset when they are working hard to protect themselves from feeling bad doesn't get the results I want. Rupture and repair

I have posted about this betrayal issue in eight different places online. That's so stupid. I am totally out of control over this.

 

[HealingMama]

I tested for the plague today. Should hear back in a day or so. Pretty sure I have it but who knows. Bad headache, chest pain that comes and goes, fatigue, some coughing.

Still don't feel good about trusting my partner but we sort of made up/talked, and I'm not dysregulated about it anymore so that's good. It would be a pain to be sick and at odds with him.

Wish I had updated my will when we moved. As unlikely as it may be that we need to use it, if we do then being done in another state's format will complicate things. Unfortunately now I really feel like shit and don't want to get on the phone with a lawyer. Fingers crossed we don't need one. There's only 5 hospitalized cases in the local hospital right now so surely that means they have a ventilator for me if it comes to that.

 

[Deanna]

I hope u feel better tomorrow. Is there anywhere you can get tested? I test next week ( I don't have anything just a procedure for surgery) I'm glad you made-up with your husband. You may have the regular flu.

 

[HealingMama]

I hope u feel better tomorrow. Is there anywhere you can get tested? I test next week ( I don't have anything just a procedure for surgery) I'm glad you made-up with your husband. You may have the regular flu.

I did get tested today. Should find out results in a day or so. Doesn't feel like regular flu but I guess it could be. I've not had the chest tightness with flu.

 

[HealingMama]

Oh my f*cking God this guy is so manipulative!

We have a few minutes til our marriage counseling and I hear him in there washing the dishes, as if doing the thing we argue about constantly this one time without being prompted will erase the weeks that we have argued over him being a stick in the mud on following through on just about every single thing I ask him to do as the person in our family with more free time to attend to domestic needs.

He always does this! Tries to manipulate me into not being mad at him when we are speaking to a professional. It's like he cares about a third party's opinion of him more than his own wife's. If he did shit with this kind of motivation without the threat of a counseling appointment we might not even need the counseling!

So irritating.