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Piecing things together

Thread starter #638
I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I'm not even in a relationship, let alone married, so I have no idea what you're going through.

But, I do know that if a relationship is making you feel like quitting on life? The solution would be to quit on the relationship. Life can be so much more than just anguish all the time.
Thank you. I understand that intellectually. But then I invalidate myself, blame shift onto myself, tell myself I'm being unreasonable in my expectations and then being overly dramatic. These are just passing thoughts, I know I won't act on them. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a child so I could just get out of this mess that way, which is terrible.

It's not the entire relationship that does this to me. It only happens when I am trying and trying and trying to influence my partner to hear me on something and he's refusing to try to hear me. I just get really hopeless to ever have a voice when I most need to feel like I have one. But then when the issue is past and I've gotten a decent night's sleep I can see that he basically tried to listen, bit is blocked by his own righteousness, or defensive ego pride stuff, or whatever. He tried imperfectly, and I was just not able to receive his effort in a way that would help me feel heard.

But it's been months of this, multiple counselors, I don't see how things can improve more than they have, or they already would have. At this point I do not see any evidence of his effort at changing his side of our issues. He just resents me bc I cannot magically stop having a compulsive need for closure.

Anyway. You're right Sideways. I shouldn't be in a relationship that makes me feel like that.
Thread starter #639
Some observations.

Being in a home where the only other adult who is an attachment figure is isolated, or present but has their face covered by a mask and is feeling unwell, is horribly triggering for someone who has survived certain types of trauma or abuse.

A preschooler sitting next to you randomly being suddenly loud, suddenly touching you, suddenly putting their hands or face right in your face, is horribly triggering.

Apparently I have been "overly sensitive" the last couple of days. This is one of the symptoms of childhood trauma I've not been able to release fully. I am overly aware of others' emotional cues and tend to personalize them.

It's also really friggin lonely isolating extra because there's covid in your house.
Thread starter #640
Husband lost his job. My autoimmune conditions are really messing with me. I asked my Pdoc for a mood stabilizer I took years ago, and I think it activated my autoimmune stuff so I can't take it anymore.

I am finally on the way to getting started with DBT. I am not sure it makes sense to spend the money if my husband just lost his job, but I also know that when the pandemic is over, I'll be expected to do something like this in person and I don't want to have to do that. I feel dumb doing such an intensive course of treatment when my marriage is the only major issue, but I know if I actually developed friendships and allowed people to get close to me some of these issues would happen in those relationships also.

In other news, my narc mom is being a narc. I cannot help my sister in a hands on way but I can take some of the force of her neediness so I'm trying to make space for that. I can only do what I can do.

Interestingly enough, the meds seem to have cut out my compulsiveness and obsessiveness in several behaviors. Still got conflict oriented compulsiveness but many other areas I'm ashamed to talk about seem better.

I am a bit anxious about husband being unemployed. Last time that happened it ballooned into two years of inertia on his part that I just can't abide again. So far he is working to prove he's going to handle it differently. It's only been a couple of days.

Our arguments can get insane and awful for me, but we have mostly gotten along while being forced to spend almost all our time together. That's not true for everyone. I'm trying to remain balanced in my thinking.

Suicidal thoughts because of conflict is not good and a huge red flag but when I am regulated again I am able to see how he tried to meet the needs I voiced to him at the time, and I was unable to accept any of it in a way that would soothe me. That's a bit different from the story I tell myself when I am triggered.
Thread starter #641
In other news, the ability to post from my phone and hit enter to make a new paragraph isn't working like it did before. I have to do extra stuff to pull up the keyboard. I wonder if this is related to the updates underway, if others are dealing with it and if there is a fix?
Thread starter #645
Had my DBT intake. Went ok. Therapist is meh but I'm not doing it for a good fit so much as the modality so that's alright.

Things were going so well at home I spoke to spouse and we agreed I don't need the group part of the program. I told them I want the individual with the 24/7 availability if needing help implementing skills when triggered.

Then we had an argument that got out of hand and as soon as it started going sideways he said "I take back what I said about you doing better" which I found incredibly cruel and gaslighty. If he frames any disagreement as a consequence of my issues he's not looking at his part in any fashion.

I was verbally abusive before the argument got sorted the following day and I'm ashamed of myself. I didn't call him a bunch of names but I did say he was acting like a coward, real men don't hide, etc. I told him he wasn't a decent person bc he bailed on the conversation when he could have chosen to smooth things over. In hindsight that was excessive but I'm so tired of him leaving abruptly .

When we calmed down he acknowledged that him leaving like that escalates our issues and makes me want to come toward him and he acknowledged that dynamic is a crappy one between the both of us. That's the first time he didn't blame me for it altogether so that's nice.

He told me that the last three times we had an especially bad argument, he's ended up saying he's leaving me, and he feels like he's getting positive reinforcement because the nature of the conflict shifts after he says that. Idk what to do about that. I don't try to beg him to stay or anything but I switch from angry to sad when it happens. Right when I stopped threatening to end things he starts doing it. Sigh. This is my consequences. I accept these consequences. I wish I had been safe emotionally growing up so I could be safe relationally.

Bleh. I have to say though for my partner losing his job, being in a pandemic etc, we are getting along amazingly well.

Another thing that came out in the intake (which was the most unstructured intake I've ever seen or experience and I don't think I like that) is that most of my life I was engaging in relational avoidance. It's been hard to see myself in the PTSD criteria as I do not present as a single incident or adult onset PTSD sufferer. But the avoidance is definitely there, I just didn't really see it as such until recently.

Oh yeah, my 4yo seems to be inheriting my perfectionism. He tried to draw the letter "c" and after one try where the line was a bit wavy he said "I didn't get it perfect. I don't want to draw my letters anymore." Poor kid. Will be implementing growth mindset activities for sure.
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