Piecing things together

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
After a difficult few days, I confessed to him that I think I am trying to make him hate me, because part of me doesn't want to be here anymore. He shared that he's probably done also, because he can't weather anymore of these attachment whiplash events.

I believe that this is probably the beginning of the end.

I feel relieved and scared. Fighting thoughts like I'm too old/ugly/sick to ever be interesting to anyone else.

This is probably the right call but it sure is scary. I hate grief :(

More later.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
We have no power after a natural disaster yesterday.

I am tired. I am weary. I did not get enough sleep. I wish I could just change my relationship with my husband to be friends who live near each other and remain connected well for our child but he tells me he can't do that because the loss will be too painful for him. I am surprised he will think of this as a loss. I've been awful to him. I'm such a coward. I tried to make him hate me so he would leave because I was never able to follow through on my own. Some of this is my trauma, not wanting to let anyone close, not trusting. Some is also incompatibility. Orderly/chaotic, type A/type B, responsible/carefree, avoidant/confrontational.

I love him but I don't like him anymore as a person. Even when he was doing everything right recently and we were getting along, something still felt wrong. So moving forward with a separation is the right choice.

It's better to spend my life alone than to be with someone for the wrong reasons. Being there because I'm afraid to go, or I'm afraid I'll regret leaving, is not a good reason. Especially when some part of me is so very eager to be done that I continue to... Cause issues. I'm tired of being responsible for him.

He's still being so kind about all of this. I feel like a monster. He's all, "I knew what I was getting into here and I wanted you to be able to learn to experience love and benefit from that, I wanted you to learn that love is safe, I didn't do anything here that I didn't want to do. I just don't think I have anything left to give you."

Why can't I want to be with someone that cares for me that much? 😩

Either I have horribly low self esteem to not want to be in this relationship with someone that thinks that selflessly about me, or love isn't enough.

I'd like to think if he were self sufficient, able to find and maintain employment, able to contribute to a comfortable life financially, able to be proactive at adult life things, able to take responsibility for himself without oversight, then love would be enough.

I do love him, but I'm tired. I had to plan everything for my birthday, and asked him to just do this one thing, just call the restaurant and tell them it will be a birthday celebration and to please make it special. And he was not going to even do it til the day of the event, despite the fact that waiting to do something often means he doesn't remember to do it at all. That's just one isolated incident, but six years of that has left me feeling pretty worthless even though he says he's done so much to love me. Besides staying with me despite my anger and frustration, and being generally compliant with the requests that I have made of him, I'm not really feeling anything that he's actively done.

This relationship has made me feel more broken, not less. I guess either he got past my walls and helped me become aware of how screwed up I really am, or this has never really been a healthy relationship. I don't know if I am capable of creating a healthy relationship with someone. I suspect that I am, but I don't know if I will ever meet the person who operates the way I do such that blending together creates something healthy.

For the last few months I've had this nagging feeling that something better is out there for me, a better relationship is out there for me, but I had to let go of this one to make space for it. I hope that's true because at least on a conscious level I believe I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be in a relationship that suits me and strengthens me instead of draining me. I deserve to feel safe, to feel good. Maybe safe for me is never getting this close to a person again. It seems that I don't tolerate closeness very well.

I guess only time will tell how much of this current fiasco is my crap and how much was his or how we fit together.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
What is wrong with me that having a partner who is kind, patient, generous, doesn't cheat, isn't addicted to anything, is willing to modify his obsessiveness towards hobbies, is willing to be a caregiver for our child and for myself when I'm physically unwell, willing to hold me if I'm having a panic attack, wants to sit with me if I'm having a shame attack so I won't be alone... Why is that not enough?

I am feeling ashamed of myself that I am unable to appreciate his good qualities enough to not be torn apart with ambivalence.

I guess ultimately I've never really felt safe here. I've never been able to trust him to be depended upon. In a temporary crisis affecting other people he's great but in a crisis affecting him or our family or our finances he just falls apart. The one time period he made more money than me, he also was unable to give both work and his new marriage quality attention at the same time. I never know when he will keep his word and when he won't, and he's so conflict avoidant and defensive I've never been able to properly address that with him. I need routine, order and structure to be my best self and he is unable to do any of that.

But at the same time everyone is human and nobody can keep their word 100% of the time so how much of this is unrealistic expectations on my end? Maybe nobody is capable of providing the type of relationship I want and need. It is nobody else's job to manage my anxiety but my own. I'm responsible for myself and my own feelings. It's my job to radically accept chaos not get angry when it happens.

I'm also afraid of being happy. I'm afraid of things working well. I've been unable to tolerate an indefinite period without any trouble.

I don't have BPD but I do have complex trauma and some of the same symptoms as BPD sufferers as there is some overlap. There's this concept in the BPD community of the "favorite person." I have never had that in my life with anybody, before this partner. I kind of have a favorite person dynamic with him. I wish I didn't. I wish nobody ever had that much away over how I feel. It feels very disempowering and out of control for another person to affect me that much. I am afraid to try another relationship after this because I never want to experience that favorite person dynamic with anyone ever again.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Updates... been a while. Merry Christmas everyone.
My attachment issues have settled a lot since starting buspirone. Hypervigilence is still an issue. Avoidance is still an issue. Hyperarousal is still an issue in certain situations. My spouse is still unemployed and barely leaves the house because of the pandemic, but if or when he starts going out more often I imagine my hyperarousal will still be a problem. I still get really triggered when he takes a nap that I wasn't expecting.

Emotional flashbacks are still an issue, but less severe at the moment. Dissociative symptoms have almost disappeared entirely since starting the buspirone and bupropion. However now I am aware that I have some form of an eating disorder, as well as behaviors consistent with OCD. I have made an appointment with my last therapist I really clicked with to help me address the OCD. I wish I tolerated SSRI medication better as that would help me rein in the OCD better.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Hello again friends.
I have had a lot going on. Turns out I still have ADHD myself. I began treating it with meds again and a lot of my reactivity disappeared. I went weeks without any episodes. I didn't realize how much of my anxiety was my brain's attempt at self medicating.

Then a couple of nights ago, my spouse stonewalled me in a conversation. We were on the brink of divorce up until a month ago, had both filled out all the papers and just needed to file them. Then when I said I can't stay anymore bc of the stonewalling, he changed. A few weeks went by where he was actually not stonewalling me. So, I started to trust that change was possible. I guess that was my big mistake. Because then he stonewalled me 2 nights ago, and I warned him that what he was doing was going to cause a relationship rupture and he didn't do anything to stop it.

So then I had a meltdown. I cried hard for about 4 hours. I couldn't breathe. I cried so hard I lost my voice the next day. The emotions were so big and so powerful that I was pulling my hair, pinching myself, and raking my fingernails down my legs really hard. I am surprised I didn't leave any marks. I wanted to bang my head on the wall but stopped myself. I had to call out the next day. I can normally go through the motions of my professional life despite a lot of stressors, but the meltdown rendered me unable to fake anything.

I told him last night that I think the divorce needs to happen as I'm worried I will try to hurt myself if or when he does this again. I never had self harm issues before this relationship.

I've spent the morning trying to find a new T to help with my attachment issues. I got triggered into an EP and I need help integrating all my EPs better. There's a part in my system that causes hell whenever I try to face the dissociative fragmenting of my mind. It was getting activated on a consultation call even. I don't hear my parts in words but it was communicating that telling the T about my problems was dangerous and I should keep it to myself. That I should hide it.

So my parts freak out when I am experiencing love and closeness. And my parts freak out when things are going well. And my parts freak out when I'm trying to ask for help. I'm so tired.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
I need to use this journal again.

I need to memorialize the fact that no matter what, my husband has become a jerk. And maybe has mostly always been one. Idk. But I deserve better. It doesn't matter what I've done before. I am worthy of love and respect.

I am worthy of being taken seriously and for my needs to be met.

I am worthy of having my messages read, not ignored and then being told that it's my fault because I talk too much.

No. A respectful person who sees my worth would not do that. If they were overwhelmed they would say they were overwhelmed, not make it my fault for trying to communicate.

I should not be with someone that ignores what I say. I should not be with someone that stonewalls me when I don't accept their excuses. I should not be with someone that avoids accountability.

I should not be with someone who stays after I asked them to leave, because they know if they wait long enough I'll give up on what I'm asking for. Who then manipulates me into thinking it is coming from love.

He hurts me and when I actually try to communicate that I am hurt, he makes it worse not better. I explained to him what his stonewalling did to me, the attachment rupture and crisis and beliefs that his actions were reinforcing. And all he says is "I didn't do that to you. I didn't make you think that." Very supportive. 🙄

I have spent the last year thinking that he wanted to be a good partner and somehow I messed him up emotionally so he couldn't be, but when I look at his actions, I am not sure I see much of that. I see a person who has enjoyed manipulating me because I'm easy to manipulate. I see a person who says the right words but doesn't back them with actions.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
He says that I believe things that aren't true. And don't listen to him trying to correct my thinking.

I tell him if someone is feeling an emotion that is based on a wrong understanding of a situation, it's not very effective to just tell them "you have a wrong understanding" or "I didn't do that" / "that's not what happened."

It's more effective to reflect the emotion first, so that they can be calmer, and then more cognitively available for a discussion about logic.

Nobody that is emotionally oriented has felt heard or helped by starting out telling them everything is in their head. Just like saying "calm down" to someone in an emotional space has never actually made the person calm down.

My husband and I both are really good at de-escalating a customer who is worked up and angry at the establishment. Apparently he does it by "managing" that person. I deescalate by giving empathy. Genuine usually but not always. "It makes sense that you'd be angry about that" helps a person feel heard, so they calm down. And then they can hear better any sort of fact checking.

Idk. I also know that I should "do my work" and fact check myself if I'm worked up about something. I did learn that much in the colossal waste of time that was my attempt at DBT.

I think I sent about 12 inquiries for a new T yesterday. I've gotten 4 responses back, all to say they aren't taking new clients.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
"Then a couple of nights ago, my spouse stonewalled me in a conversation. We were on the brink of divorce up until a month ago, had both filled out all the papers and just needed to file them. Then when I said I can't stay anymore bc of the stonewalling, he changed. Because then he stonewalled me 2 nights ago, and I warned him that what he was doing was going to cause a relationship rupture and he didn't do anything to stop it."

So then I had a meltdown. I cried hard for about 4 hours. I couldn't breathe. I cried so hard I lost my voice the next day. The emotions were so big and so powerful that I was pulling my hair, pinching myself, and raking my fingernails down my legs really hard. I am surprised I didn't leave any marks. I wanted to bang my head on the wall but stopped myself. I had to call out the next day. I can normally go through the motions of my professional life despite a lot of stressors, but the meltdown rendered me unable to fake anything.

I told him last night that I think the divorce needs to happen as I'm worried I will try to hurt myself if or when he does this again. I never had self harm issues before this relationship.

I've spent the morning trying to find a new T to help with my attachment issues. I got triggered into an EP and I need help integrating all my EPs better. There's a part in my system that causes hell whenever I try to face the dissociative fragmenting of my mind. It was getting activated on a consultation call even. I don't hear my parts in words but it was communicating that telling the T about my problems was dangerous and I should keep it to myself. That I should hide it.

So my parts freak out when I am experiencing love and closeness. And my parts freak out when things are going well. And my parts freak out when I'm trying to ask for help. I'm so tired.
You know what you need....follow-through, your spouse isn't going to change his behavior permanently (people are what they are...and are what you usually see).....and you don't trust him ....that's my take away from your situation. If you can't trust your partner, that's not good.....and it's obviously not healthy....your reactions certainly aren't healthy. This doesn't require a T to acknowledge and give you permission to divorce. You need to take care of you....and you have a protective part maybe that is sending you the signal to self-harm......maybe you won't need to self-harm if you take action?? If you make the right decision for you, all of you, make a plan to change things, to follow through so you will be healthier, then you are taking care of all of you....I believe that I am the sum of my parts, and I am the driving force to keeping parts of me safe, and I have to make the safety calls when things get dicey. I really hope it gets better soon, but don't harm yourself, stay safe.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
You know what you need....follow-through, your spouse isn't going to change his behavior permanently (people are what they are...and are what you usually see).....and you don't trust him ....that's my take away from your situation. If you can't trust your partner, that's not good.....and it's obviously not healthy....your reactions certainly aren't healthy. This doesn't require a T to acknowledge and give you permission to divorce. You need to take care of you....and you have a protective part maybe that is sending you the signal to self-harm......maybe you won't need to self-harm if you take action?? If you make the right decision for you, all of you, make a plan to change things, to follow through so you will be healthier, then you are taking care of all of you....I believe that I am the sum of my parts, and I am the driving force to keeping parts of me safe, and I have to make the safety calls when things get dicey. I really hope it gets better soon, but don't harm yourself, stay safe.
Thanks. Actually I don't know what I need. It changes constantly based on what I'm experiencing emotionally. It's exhausting. I don't trust my husband but he's also the only person I've attached to in my life including after 15 years of therapy... I never attached to any of my therapists. So I don't trust him, but is it because I don't trust attachment? He mostly tried to be safe for many years, but is human, and not perfect, and my broken parts expect perfection or there is devastation.

The relationship has a lot of problems and I can never tell which ones are mine, which are his, which are how we fit together.

When I am single, I tend to dissociate more. My apartment was a mess as a single person because I just tuned it all out. Being partnered keeps me present. But now that I have a kid I'm sure that will function the same way.

Maybe the SH is a protector? I haven't really thought about it. When I'm doing it i am not trying to hurt myself. I'm trying to get some of the emotions out of my body bc they are so overwhelming it's like they are burning me from the inside out.
 
Top