Piecing things together


After a difficult few days, I confessed to him that I think I am trying to make him hate me, because part of me doesn't want to be here anymore. He shared that he's probably done also, because he can't weather anymore of these attachment whiplash events.

I believe that this is probably the beginning of the end.

I feel relieved and scared. Fighting thoughts like I'm too old/ugly/sick to ever be interesting to anyone else.

This is probably the right call but it sure is scary. I hate grief :(

More later.


We have no power after a natural disaster yesterday.

I am tired. I am weary. I did not get enough sleep. I wish I could just change my relationship with my husband to be friends who live near each other and remain connected well for our child but he tells me he can't do that because the loss will be too painful for him. I am surprised he will think of this as a loss. I've been awful to him. I'm such a coward. I tried to make him hate me so he would leave because I was never able to follow through on my own. Some of this is my trauma, not wanting to let anyone close, not trusting. Some is also incompatibility. Orderly/chaotic, type A/type B, responsible/carefree, avoidant/confrontational.

I love him but I don't like him anymore as a person. Even when he was doing everything right recently and we were getting along, something still felt wrong. So moving forward with a separation is the right choice.

It's better to spend my life alone than to be with someone for the wrong reasons. Being there because I'm afraid to go, or I'm afraid I'll regret leaving, is not a good reason. Especially when some part of me is so very eager to be done that I continue to... Cause issues. I'm tired of being responsible for him.

He's still being so kind about all of this. I feel like a monster. He's all, "I knew what I was getting into here and I wanted you to be able to learn to experience love and benefit from that, I wanted you to learn that love is safe, I didn't do anything here that I didn't want to do. I just don't think I have anything left to give you."

Why can't I want to be with someone that cares for me that much? 😩

Either I have horribly low self esteem to not want to be in this relationship with someone that thinks that selflessly about me, or love isn't enough.

I'd like to think if he were self sufficient, able to find and maintain employment, able to contribute to a comfortable life financially, able to be proactive at adult life things, able to take responsibility for himself without oversight, then love would be enough.

I do love him, but I'm tired. I had to plan everything for my birthday, and asked him to just do this one thing, just call the restaurant and tell them it will be a birthday celebration and to please make it special. And he was not going to even do it til the day of the event, despite the fact that waiting to do something often means he doesn't remember to do it at all. That's just one isolated incident, but six years of that has left me feeling pretty worthless even though he says he's done so much to love me. Besides staying with me despite my anger and frustration, and being generally compliant with the requests that I have made of him, I'm not really feeling anything that he's actively done.

This relationship has made me feel more broken, not less. I guess either he got past my walls and helped me become aware of how screwed up I really am, or this has never really been a healthy relationship. I don't know if I am capable of creating a healthy relationship with someone. I suspect that I am, but I don't know if I will ever meet the person who operates the way I do such that blending together creates something healthy.

For the last few months I've had this nagging feeling that something better is out there for me, a better relationship is out there for me, but I had to let go of this one to make space for it. I hope that's true because at least on a conscious level I believe I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be in a relationship that suits me and strengthens me instead of draining me. I deserve to feel safe, to feel good. Maybe safe for me is never getting this close to a person again. It seems that I don't tolerate closeness very well.

I guess only time will tell how much of this current fiasco is my crap and how much was his or how we fit together.


What is wrong with me that having a partner who is kind, patient, generous, doesn't cheat, isn't addicted to anything, is willing to modify his obsessiveness towards hobbies, is willing to be a caregiver for our child and for myself when I'm physically unwell, willing to hold me if I'm having a panic attack, wants to sit with me if I'm having a shame attack so I won't be alone... Why is that not enough?

I am feeling ashamed of myself that I am unable to appreciate his good qualities enough to not be torn apart with ambivalence.

I guess ultimately I've never really felt safe here. I've never been able to trust him to be depended upon. In a temporary crisis affecting other people he's great but in a crisis affecting him or our family or our finances he just falls apart. The one time period he made more money than me, he also was unable to give both work and his new marriage quality attention at the same time. I never know when he will keep his word and when he won't, and he's so conflict avoidant and defensive I've never been able to properly address that with him. I need routine, order and structure to be my best self and he is unable to do any of that.

But at the same time everyone is human and nobody can keep their word 100% of the time so how much of this is unrealistic expectations on my end? Maybe nobody is capable of providing the type of relationship I want and need. It is nobody else's job to manage my anxiety but my own. I'm responsible for myself and my own feelings. It's my job to radically accept chaos not get angry when it happens.

I'm also afraid of being happy. I'm afraid of things working well. I've been unable to tolerate an indefinite period without any trouble.

I don't have BPD but I do have complex trauma and some of the same symptoms as BPD sufferers as there is some overlap. There's this concept in the BPD community of the "favorite person." I have never had that in my life with anybody, before this partner. I kind of have a favorite person dynamic with him. I wish I didn't. I wish nobody ever had that much away over how I feel. It feels very disempowering and out of control for another person to affect me that much. I am afraid to try another relationship after this because I never want to experience that favorite person dynamic with anyone ever again.


Updates... been a while. Merry Christmas everyone.
My attachment issues have settled a lot since starting buspirone. Hypervigilence is still an issue. Avoidance is still an issue. Hyperarousal is still an issue in certain situations. My spouse is still unemployed and barely leaves the house because of the pandemic, but if or when he starts going out more often I imagine my hyperarousal will still be a problem. I still get really triggered when he takes a nap that I wasn't expecting.

Emotional flashbacks are still an issue, but less severe at the moment. Dissociative symptoms have almost disappeared entirely since starting the buspirone and bupropion. However now I am aware that I have some form of an eating disorder, as well as behaviors consistent with OCD. I have made an appointment with my last therapist I really clicked with to help me address the OCD. I wish I tolerated SSRI medication better as that would help me rein in the OCD better.