Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

We're not all like that, and I hope you find someone in your life who takes the time to listen....really listen, and educate themselves so they can be healthy support.

Thank you for sharing. Your partner is lucky. I did discuss this issue with my husband last night. He did not think I was trying to manipulate him by sharing what I did, but he also agreed with my theory that he is saturated emotionally so he doesn't react to anything anymore. I said that's dangerous and he said he agrees.

It's the consequences of my behavior though. I mean, he has a part to play. His minimizing, denial, defensiveness etc contributed to the situation. But I've been so demanding and needy that I don't really blame him for feeling like he does. I'm an exhausting person.

 

[OptimisticRealist]

Thank you for sharing. Your partner is lucky. I did discuss this issue with my husband last night. He did not think I was trying to manipulate him by sharing what I did, but he also agreed with my theory that he is saturated emotionally so he doesn't react to anything anymore. I said that's dangerous and he said he agrees.

It's the consequences of my behavior though. I mean, he has a part to play. His minimizing, denial, defensiveness etc contributed to the situation. But I've been so demanding and needy that I don't really blame him for feeling like he does. I'm an exhausting person.

You can only be responsible for your own mental health, he has to be responsible for his, so his failure to seek therapy or communicate his needs with you is on him, not you. I'm sorry you guys are having such a rough go of it, and that you figure out a solution that works for you.

 

[HealingMama]

Need to update this journal. I haven't been keeping up with it very well.

I'm feeling rather broken right now. I'm responsible for my happiness. I am trying to help myself by taking my meds, taking my prn when my regular meds aren't enough and not judging myself about it, taking extra showers, getting exercise, accepting that sometimes life is shitty and painful and you can't do anything about it, or the things that you can do aren't choices you want to make, or the things you can do don't have the right timing to them, so you have to just exist in the shit and find a way to be ok.

I am so sick of myself and the way that I perseverate compulsively.

I am so sick of becoming obsessive.

I am so sick of overreacting and overcommunicating and struggle to not do those things.

I am so sick of having abandonment issues and being with someone who handles disagreements by just walking out of the room and not trying to schedule a time to return to the conversation.

I am sick of having so many unsolvable problems.

We had a huge, disastrous, toxic argument over laundry. Laundry. Stupid. I make mistakes, but at least I try to stay respectful. I wish he still tried to stay respectful. I don't understand how he can say he loves me and then treat me this way. It sure looks more like hate than love.

Look guy, I don't actually want any drama either. But if there is an issue, I wish we could discuss it like adults, hear and understand each other, and find a solution together. You turn it into a war, evade responsibility, and escalate. But you continue to say I'm the problem.

He literally blamed me for the way he left mid-argument because he said stop, and I said "ok I'll stop if you..." And he ran off in the middle of my response. He says it's my fault he did that because he told me what would happen. We have had 3 marriage counselors tell him that this is an unnecessarily hurtful way to get his needs met, and it would be better to ask for a time out with a return time instead. He didn't do that, he didn't even try to do that, but he blames me for him leaving in such an escalating way. Sorry, no. You're responsible for holding yourself accountable for using the skills that have been recommended to you.

 

[HealingMama]

My husband is COVID positive, and I am starting to have some of the same symptoms he had in the beginning stages. We have been getting along for the most part for a couple of weeks now, so at least there's that.

We have secured someone for emergency childcare in case we both become too sick to parent.

I am strangely not anxious. I guess I know that stressing about it won't help anything.

 

[Sideways]

So sorry - hope you both get through this okay.

 

[somerandomguy]

Thinking good thoughts for you and your family, @HealingMama.

 

[HealingMama]

Thank you both

 

[Widow_of_one]

He wants to make me think he supports me but then he kicks me when I'm down. And then wants to pretend happened.

Yup! The same thing happens to me with my best female friend and this has been happening a lot!! I think that as you heal your perception changes suddenly I am not everyone’s door mat!! Keep doing your healing and the answer will become clearer.

Oh yeah apparently his children are afraid of me. I don't feel very bonded with them after five years. We basically tolerate each other. I don't enjoy their company because my husband isn't handling his financial contributions properly and it's a pain point in the relationship. And I'm overwhelmed when we have them. And my husband gives them what he often withholds from me. So it's just a complicated situation.

It doesn't feel good to know that they "handle me with kid gloves." That's what he told me.

I just want to be a normal person that never gets triggered to the extent that someone else's children feel like they can't be themselves. I want to be a normal person that can have fun and laugh and play. I don't know how to play and that's all kids ever want to do.

You are a normal person!! Everyone is triggered!!

Trying to work on more body awareness and awareness of when my perception or stage changes.

Tonight I was reading a bit about structural dissociation of the personality and for some reason was able to have a felt sense of grief.

I think the parts that hold my pain realize I'm trying to not be so avoidant about it.

Grief really hurts.

Also my experience of my husband is all over the place as usual. Is he safe or unsafe. I don't know. I do know he really hurt me today. He belittled my attachment issues. I told him leaving conflicts unresolved before we go to bed messes up my attachment and he says putting his socks on the wrong way messes up my attachment and "don't give [him] that shit." Such a crappy thing to say.

It's not the first time. Sometimes when we are disagreeing I'm able to link my behavior to the triggering of my father's death and he acts like I'm trying to manipulate him.

He wants to make me think he supports me but then he kicks me when I'm down. And then wants to pretend nothing happened.

Anyway. Back to the grief. Grief is so heavy. It makes me want to just sleep. I am proud of myself for being in my body better. I am used to floating a bit outside of my body.

I joined this forum in 2017 and have been absent for a long time. Avoidance sets in and I stop trying to do my work. Hope I can keep going this time.

I’ve noticed that I get sleepy too as a result of “emotion not just grief” I usually crawl into bed for 30 minutes and allow whatever wants to come up to come up!!
btw do you think you have multiple personalities? I often think the same thing if myself?

 

[HealingMama]

I’ve noticed that I get sleepy too as a result of “emotion not just grief” I usually crawl into bed for 30 minutes and allow whatever wants to come up to come up!!
btw do you think you have multiple personalities? I often think the same thing if myself?

I probably have ego states but not fully differentiated personalities. In the theory of structural dissociation I would be at the secondary level (cptsd) not tertiary level. Interestingly, medication has basically stopped all of that.

 

[Widow_of_one]

I probably have ego states but not fully differentiated personalities. In the theory of structural dissociation I would be at the secondary level (cptsd) not tertiary level. Interestingly, medication has basically stopped all of that.

Is like to read about this any books that you recommend?

 

[HealingMama]

Is like to read about this any books that you recommend?

The Haunted Self is a good one. Also papers by Janina Fisher. Theory of Structural Dissociation of the Personality is the search term you want.

 

[HealingMama]

Marriage issues made me suicidal last night. I used a crisis line and booked a session with my therapist. Therapy was not very helpful.

I don't have covid but I did have a breakdown bc I have too many responsibilities right now. I took the day off today so I could wear one less hat. I feel better health wise. Marriage wise, not so much.

I feel like if suicidality is not part of my existing mental health stuff, then it's probably a sign that my marriage is not good for me. I am so tired of spinning my wheels about this. I stopped posting about it here. My ambivalence is wearisome even to myself. There's just so much grief in admitting your marriage can't work anymore. I hate grief.