Piecing things together

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Can't stop feeling panicky. The person that I would talk to about this is the same person who is the reason I feel like this. Just like before. I'm stuck. Probably did it to myself.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you. He definitely has encouraged dependency in me. Now he doesn't want it and I don't either but parts of me do.

That was why I just blocked my vision when I was getting hypervigilant. I'm trying to take matters into my own hands. Problem is I was overly Independent for many years. I did not accept my own neediness. I didn't not listen to it. In many situations I still don't, I just push right past myself.

He taught me to love myself enough to be present to my needs. He just also trained me to try to get them met through him, and he shouldn't have done that.

So, I have to be careful with independence, because it easily becomes invalidation. I am trying to find my way to being more responsible for myself though. I mean I need to do it regardless of what happens with the relationship, because the needs don't get met with my husband anyway. Not the way I want them to be. I have this dumb wish fulfillment stuff that tries to play out and it's just not good. Ok, I can't call it dumb, it's a valid desire behind it, but I'm a grown up not a child and I'm in charge of myself.

I am hoping this new therapist will help me with the mindset I need to use to approach dependence vs independence. My husband doesn't have that stuff right either.
Neediness is what keeps us stuck.......independence is what makes us better, more whole, and truly functional. Encouraging dependence has a reason.....if they are just a "fixer" it gets their fixer need met....and real fixers don't like boundaries because it keeps them from getting their emotional needs met. Then there is the "controller" the person who NEEDS to be in control themselves, and what better partner to have than a needy one.................and that gets the perk of always being right or always being the good one) while those with mental health issues are "sick." Try setting and teaching him boundaries-like it is your role or job to do dinner....his job to do dishes, your job to do laundry-his job to mow grass and unless one of you is sick....nobody gets out of their responsibilities. I have been the needy one, and it is much easier to let my partner "take care of me" by doing more than his fair share. However, in retrospect.....is isn't fair to the relationship and there is lots to be said about everyone pulling their own weight.....and walking their talk ................that is what builds trust.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Neediness is what keeps us stuck.......independence is what makes us better, more whole, and truly functional. Encouraging dependence has a reason.....if they are just a "fixer" it gets their fixer need met....and real fixers don't like boundaries because it keeps them from getting their emotional needs met. Then there is the "controller" the person who NEEDS to be in control themselves, and what better partner to have than a needy one.................and that gets the perk of always being right or always being the good one) while those with mental health issues are "sick." Try setting and teaching him boundaries-like it is your role or job to do dinner....his job to do dishes, your job to do laundry-his job to mow grass and unless one of you is sick....nobody gets out of their responsibilities. I have been the needy one, and it is much easier to let my partner "take care of me" by doing more than his fair share. However, in retrospect.....is isn't fair to the relationship and there is lots to be said about everyone pulling their own weight.....and walking their talk ................that is what builds trust.
I won't argue against anything you are saying.
But my ultimate goal for how I relate to others close to me is interdependence not independence. I think independence is incomplete. Why have a relationship at all if you cannot rely on each other, share with each other? If I am not leaning in nobody will, because he is avoidant. Everything will be wooden. I'd rather not deal with the hassle of a relationship if there's not a connection or sense of mutual contribution. Relationships are a PITA because they are so liable to cause dysregulation, and they have to have some kind of payoff. I'm sure that sounds awful but it's hard to just enjoy people.

I've lived avoidantly. Independence leads to avoidance for me. It makes me feel better but doesn't help me heal. Learning to deal with my dependency needs is going to help me heal, but I need some outside help because they are running away from me at times. And certainly, I need to center myself as the provider of my own needs and stop feeding this dynamic where he gets to feel needed and superior. I need to find a way to honor the dependency being triggered while remembering I'm a grown up now.

My husband's ADHD prevents him from walking his talk to a level that would avoid triggering me. And my parts keep me from walking my talk as well as I would like to, but it's something I am trying to work on.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
because I'm having a mental health moment and it's well, maybe unfair or unrealistic for you to expect him to meet those kinds of needs.......

You are right. He started out trying to meet them. My issues made it hard on him and he continued to try for a long time. He still does try now it just doesn't work very well for a lot of reasons.


I mean you are right that it isn't realistic but he created this habit with me and my child parts are having a hard time letting it go. But I need to find a way to deal with that. That's part of why I sought a therapist that can see me more often than the one I was working with.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I won't argue against anything you are saying.
But my ultimate goal for how I relate to others close to me is interdependence not independence. I think independence is incomplete. Why have a relationship at all if you cannot rely on each other, share with each other? If I am not leaning in nobody will, because he is avoidant. Everything will be wooden. I'd rather not deal with the hassle of a relationship if there's not a connection or sense of mutual contribution. Relationships are a PITA because they are so liable to cause dysregulation, and they have to have some kind of payoff. I'm sure that sounds awful but it's hard to just enjoy people.

I've lived avoidantly. Independence leads to avoidance for me. It makes me feel better but doesn't help me heal. Learning to deal with my dependency needs is going to help me heal, but I need some outside help because they are running away from me at times. And certainly, I need to center myself as the provider of my own needs and stop feeding this dynamic where he gets to feel needed and superior. I need to find a way to honor the dependency being triggered while remembering I'm a grown up now.

My husband's ADHD prevents him from walking his talk to a level that would avoid triggering me. And my parts keep me from walking my talk as well as I would like to, but it's something I am trying to work on.
I offer another....similar option to your thinking. Interdependence doesn't work if you can't feel and have a fair handle "independence" and know where your boundaries are for just you. I was raised dependent, didn't know what independence was, and so I went into all relationships "comfortable" being taken care of.....then ultimately abused in my case. I was happy doing less....because it was what I had learned. But learning to be independent in a relationship is like one of the supports on a three legged bridge. Here's a visual: Your independence self is the left support on the bridge, your feelings and willingness to need and supporting each other are the middle support, and your husband's total independent self is the right support. In good times, all three supports will keep the bridge from falling over and it will be safe. If for some tragic reason, one of you gets ill and MUST be dependent on the other.....the other two supports will hold up the bridge until you are back on your feet and independent. This is how I think healthy interdependence should work...but it's just my opinion.

That doesn't mean you have to leave the relationship to find your own independence, but it does mean that you need your own, outside interests, hobbies, exercise program, or whatever floats your boat for YOU personally to be a happy-you can't be happy in a relationship when you aren't happy with yourself. If you are a homemaker (that would be your job calling in the moment), then figure out your job responsibilities within the house, what you feel constitutes that job, what you do to bring pleasure to the relationship each day, and do your best at that with a smile on your face. That's just one aspect of your "interdependence" that you talk about. I think quality interdependence is acquired, when a person is comfortable with themself, knows what they like and don't like, and can pursue their own hobbies, interests, and passions within the relationship independently and their partner is supportive of more than being their for them....they are encouraging growth and self-awareness........It is what we bring to the relationship that creates interdependence..... willing to share those interests and our day outside the relationship with our partner. Your husband ideally should have his own friends, interests, hobbies, and job.....apart from you. Having someone other than our spouse to communicate with is really essential for a healthy relationship. Common interests, finances, child rearing, a cooperative or agreed upon value system, giving and getting mutual support, decisions about kids and future, and spirituality are typically those things that are shared....or where there is interdependence. So I envision knowing the self, and strengthing the self in order to have a healthy relationship with a spouse. So, it's my thought that we need to know, understand, and practice independence, putside the relationship with healthy others in order to bring the best of us to the relationship. Finally, I've learned that I need to know in my marriage what I want as myself as an individual, and only then can I know what I'll accept with another person in a relationship. I made the mistake of believing in my marriage "we" were and should be a harmonious "one" and everything is "we" and our.....but we can't lose the me, mine, and my in the relationship....I can stand alone at times and disagree or provide a different approach or solution.........In my case, I lost my identity or maybe I never really had a firm grip on it...... that way....believing in the 1st person plural. All the happy couples with marriage longevity that I know seem to have one thing in common, they have a firm hold on what they expect from their partner, and they outside interests that their partner may or may not share, outside longterm and shortterm friendships, and interests that are unique to them for their own personal enjoyment.

Secondly, ADHD is the new age explanation for many things, and it's real, but it's overuse and too many people are misdiagnosed with ADHD. ADHD doesn't prevent anyone from walking their talk-that is a choice. It's also a choice if you're disorganized, to learn organizational strategies. If you're forgetful, to learn memory strategies and make lists and use them, to make reminders on the phone daily, and set alarms for grounding in time. If you're hyperactive, to take meds, exercise daily, avoid caffeine and sugar if you can't focus. If "shooting one's mouth off is the excuse....then a trip to the therapist is that person's responsiblity. Most people I know, don't do everything they can do to minimize the impact when they are diagnosed with ADHD.....All of that is on him.....and it's his responsibility to seek help and cope with it. (JMHO) ADHD shouldn't be used as an excuse.....or a free pass as I call it no more than the PTSD label.

He is responsible for organizing and following through, and if he can do it at work and be a professional, he's learned how to cope with it and can transfer those skills to a home setting.

I, myself, now never use my medical labels as an excuse for not doing right by others. You shouldn't "excuse him because of his ADHD" and he shouldn't excuse you because of your "trigers"....it's up to both of you to deal with your own issues, know your own boundaries, and focus on becoming the best version of yourselv. I really get where you are, and dependence can be a tough situation to turn around, but focus on yourself.....your dreams....capitalize on your skills and abilities.....look for the positive.....be the person you want to become....by keeping the focus on you. There are many things to do now that the weather is warming up, and you can get out and roam the parks or take drives with your child to the park....enjoy your youngin' while they are young....they grow up so quickly! Take it easy......hoping you have a great week!
 
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HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
I offer another....similar option to your thinking. Interdependence doesn't work if you can't feel and have a fair handle "independence" and know where your boundaries are for just you. I was raised dependent, didn't know what independence was, and so I went into all relationships "comfortable" being taken care of.....then ultimately abused in my case. I was happy doing less....because it was what I had learned. But learning to be independent in a relationship is like one of the supports on a three legged bridge. Here's a visual: Your independence self is the left support on the bridge, your feelings and willingness to need and supporting each other are the middle support, and your husband's total independent self is the right support. In good times, all three supports will keep the bridge from falling over and it will be safe. If for some tragic reason, one of you gets ill and MUST be dependent on the other.....the other two supports will hold up the bridge until you are back on your feet and independent. This is how I think healthy interdependence should work...but it's just my opinion.
I think that what you are saying makes a lot of sense. I was raised independent. My mother wasn't there for me emotionally so I mostly dealt with stuff on my own. I had good self-management from a pretty early age. I had my own hobbies and interests. In a relationship I tend to also absorb some amount of my partner's hobby interest vicariously, but I maintain separate interests also. I have wondered if I had BPD but I have never related to the way someone with BPD doesn't have their own identity and shifts based on the group they are in. I have identity issues but that's not how it looks for me at all.

I like what you are saying about the 3 prongs. I think practically my husband is very dependent on me and that is part of why I feel... entitled, to be frank... about receiving some of what I want for my own dependency needs. I take care of him in many ways and want to be taken care of back. We talk about what he'd do if he had no safety nets as he's unemployed and has had executive functioning issues about it, and he readily admits he'd probably be homeless if others were not helping him do what he needs to do. If ADHD were routinely accepted for disability benefits I think he would qualify as he has the most severe case I have ever seen (as a MH professional) and 3 of the treating psychiatrists have told him the same thing.

But generally I agree with you how independence should be part of the picture and then two fully functioning people meet in the middle. Unfortunately that's not entirely a thing either of us can say for ourselves, that we are fully functioning at all (most) times. I am in many ways not all. And same for him.

That doesn't mean you have to leave the relationship to find your own independence, but it does mean that you need your own, outside interests, hobbies, exercise program, or whatever floats your boat for YOU personally to be a happy-you can't be happy in a relationship when you aren't happy with yourself. If you are a homemaker (that would be your job calling in the moment), then figure out your job responsibilities within the house, what you feel constitutes that job, what you do to bring pleasure to the relationship each day, and do your best at that with a smile on your face. That's just one aspect of your "interdependence" that you talk about. I think quality interdependence is acquired, when a person is comfortable with themself, knows what they like and don't like, and can pursue their own hobbies, interests, and passions within the relationship independently and their partner is supportive of more than being their for them....they are encouraging growth and self-awareness........It is what we bring to the relationship that creates interdependence..... willing to share those interests and our day outside the relationship with our partner. Your husband ideally should have his own friends, interests, hobbies, and job.....apart from you. Having someone other than our spouse to communicate with is really essential for a healthy relationship. Common interests, finances, child rearing, a cooperative or agreed upon value system, giving and getting mutual support, decisions about kids and future, and spirituality are typically those things that are shared....or where there is interdependence. So I envision knowing the self, and strengthing the self in order to have a healthy relationship with a spouse. So, it's my thought that we need to know, understand, and practice independence, putside the relationship with healthy others in order to bring the best of us to the relationship. Finally, I've learned that I need to know in my marriage what I want as myself as an individual, and only then can I know what I'll accept with another person in a relationship. I made the mistake of believing in my marriage "we" were and should be a harmonious "one" and everything is "we" and our.....but we can't lose the me, mine, and my in the relationship....I can stand alone at times and disagree or provide a different approach or solution.........In my case, I lost my identity or maybe I never really had a firm grip on it...... that way....believing in the 1st person plural. All the happy couples with marriage longevity that I know seem to have one thing in common, they have a firm hold on what they expect from their partner, and they outside interests that their partner may or may not share, outside longterm and shortterm friendships, and interests that are unique to them for their own personal enjoyment.
So, I definitely have my own interests that aren't part of my relationship and he's kind enough to handle childcare and such so I can pursue them. I accept that he has a weekly virtual gathering with his friends and I support that too. So we do have these touch points outside the relationship. But it's specifically attachment/emotional needs that I want met within the relationship, and most of what I want is reasonable to want from a partner, but not all of it is.

All of that said, because my husband can function so poorly, it's very hard to stay clear about what's my stuff, what's his, etc. so there's blurred boundaries for sure, but maybe not in the way you are describing.
Secondly, ADHD is the new age explanation for many things, and it's real, but it's overuse and too many people are misdiagnosed with ADHD. ADHD doesn't prevent anyone from walking their talk-that is a choice. It's also a choice if you're disorganized, to learn organizational strategies. If you're forgetful, to learn memory strategies and make lists and use them, to make reminders on the phone daily, and set alarms for grounding in time. If you're hyperactive, to take meds, exercise daily, avoid caffeine and sugar if you can't focus. If "shooting one's mouth off is the excuse....then a trip to the therapist is that person's responsiblity. Most people I know, don't do everything they can do to minimize the impact when they are diagnosed with ADHD.....All of that is on him.....and it's his responsibility to seek help and cope with it. (JMHO) ADHD shouldn't be used as an excuse.....or a free pass as I call it no more than the PTSD label.

He is responsible for organizing and following through, and if he can do it at work and be a professional, he's learned how to cope with it and can transfer those skills to a home setting.

I, myself, now never use my medical labels as an excuse for not doing right by others. You shouldn't "excuse him because of his ADHD" and he shouldn't excuse you because of your "trigers"....it's up to both of you to deal with your own issues, know your own boundaries, and focus on becoming the best version of yourselv. I really get where you are, and dependence can be a tough situation to turn around, but focus on yourself.....your dreams....capitalize on your skills and abilities.....look for the positive.....be the person you want to become....by keeping the focus on you. There are many things to do now that the weather is warming up, and you can get out and roam the parks or take drives with your child to the park....enjoy your youngin' while they are young....they grow up so quickly! Take it easy......hoping you have a great week!
He doesn't function at a job. He's regularly been written up for how the ADHD affects work. He is unemployed right now and qualifies for rehabilitation because his issues are so severe that he struggles to even complete the process of finding work. I hear you and agree it should not be used as an excuse and he's responsible for treating it as best he can. Problem is he is treating it, doing almost everything he should except for the exercise, and he's just still very impaired.

So I think that you are right that I need to focus on myself, but I also just want to hold in mind the idea that some level of emotional reliance on a spouse is normal and healthy, and where he probably invited too much of it, and I allowed myself to engage in that, it's not a problem in itself to want to have safety, trust, emotional intimacy, be able to have jokes, etc. TO have a level of comfort and be able to ask for what we need.

But I do want to still pull back and manage more of my own emotional affairs, partly because of what you are saying but also because he's just not doing things that satisfy those needs right now.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I think that what you are saying makes a lot of sense. I was raised independent. My mother wasn't there for me emotionally so I mostly dealt with stuff on my own. I had good self-management from a pretty early age. I had my own hobbies and interests. In a relationship I tend to also absorb some amount of my partner's hobby interest vicariously, but I maintain separate interests also. I have wondered if I had BPD but I have never related to the way someone with BPD doesn't have their own identity and shifts based on the group they are in. I have identity issues but that's not how it looks for me at all.

I like what you are saying about the 3 prongs. I think practically my husband is very dependent on me and that is part of why I feel... entitled, to be frank... about receiving some of what I want for my own dependency needs. I take care of him in many ways and want to be taken care of back. We talk about what he'd do if he had no safety nets as he's unemployed and has had executive functioning issues about it, and he readily admits he'd probably be homeless if others were not helping him do what he needs to do. If ADHD were routinely accepted for disability benefits I think he would qualify as he has the most severe case I have ever seen (as a MH professional) and 3 of the treating psychiatrists have told him the same thing.

But generally I agree with you how independence should be part of the picture and then two fully functioning people meet in the middle. Unfortunately that's not entirely a thing either of us can say for ourselves, that we are fully functioning at all (most) times. I am in many ways not all. And same for him.


So, I definitely have my own interests that aren't part of my relationship and he's kind enough to handle childcare and such so I can pursue them. I accept that he has a weekly virtual gathering with his friends and I support that too. So we do have these touch points outside the relationship. But it's specifically attachment/emotional needs that I want met within the relationship, and most of what I want is reasonable to want from a partner, but not all of it is.

All of that said, because my husband can function so poorly, it's very hard to stay clear about what's my stuff, what's his, etc. so there's blurred boundaries for sure, but maybe not in the way you are describing.

He doesn't function at a job. He's regularly been written up for how the ADHD affects work. He is unemployed right now and qualifies for rehabilitation because his issues are so severe that he struggles to even complete the process of finding work. I hear you and agree it should not be used as an excuse and he's responsible for treating it as best he can. Problem is he is treating it, doing almost everything he should except for the exercise, and he's just still very impaired.

So I think that you are right that I need to focus on myself, but I also just want to hold in mind the idea that some level of emotional reliance on a spouse is normal and healthy, and where he probably invited too much of it, and I allowed myself to engage in that, it's not a problem in itself to want to have safety, trust, emotional intimacy, be able to have jokes, etc. TO have a level of comfort and be able to ask for what we need.

But I do want to still pull back and manage more of my own emotional affairs, partly because of what you are saying but also because he's just not doing things that satisfy those needs right now.
Your needs are important.....and marriage is for the long term. I met a man, long ago, who I intended to marry. I really loved him and he took care of me in a way no one did...we had a wonderful time together. I would have said yes to marrying him, and we had discussed it. Then he got ill. I had been with X husband 1 and been abused every which way but Sunday. I held out hope with heart transplant #1. The medications for heart transplant are high dose, and they have a tendency to change the transplanted person's personality. I watched a young, attractive, kind person change into a needy, dependent, non-functional human being. I stuck it out 4 years, and thought he would die. I stayed because I cared about him, but the rest of me knew I didn't want to take on a burden like this.....and my daughter was very young. I was looking for stability......and that's not how it ended up. He got heart transplant # 2, and all was hopeful again, but his health didn't last and after 3 years, he was taken a downward turn. He asked me to marry him. I hung on another year, and finally told him that I didn't want to marry him for his benefits....and that his sister wanted him to move nearby and take care of him, and get his son adjusted to the area.....before his time came. I got the guts up to talk with him, and tell him that I loved him, but where we were wasn't enough for the long term. In my heart, I'd never want to leave anyone in this situation but I realized staying because I felt guilty wasn't right either. He lived several more years, and died young.....and he was angry....it wasn't supposed to be like that.....and I stayed because of guilt and then I was angry....because it wasn't supposed to be like that. Leaving was hard......but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do. That's the only story I have that kinda compares in the relationship department.

But relationships are hard.....and we do what we decide is right in the moment....and for me, years passed and staying was the right decision at the time. Sounds like you are really thinking things through and are making progress sorting things out. Keep up the good work.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Your needs are important.....and marriage is for the long term. I met a man, long ago, who I intended to marry. I really loved him and he took care of me in a way no one did...we had a wonderful time together. I would have said yes to marrying him, and we had discussed it. Then he got ill. I had been with X husband 1 and been abused every which way but Sunday. I held out hope with heart transplant #1. The medications for heart transplant are high dose, and they have a tendency to change the transplanted person's personality. I watched a young, attractive, kind person change into a needy, dependent, non-functional human being. I stuck it out 4 years, and thought he would die. I stayed because I cared about him, but the rest of me knew I didn't want to take on a burden like this.....and my daughter was very young. I was looking for stability......and that's not how it ended up. He got heart transplant # 2, and all was hopeful again, but his health didn't last and after 3 years, he was taken a downward turn. He asked me to marry him. I hung on another year, and finally told him that I didn't want to marry him for his benefits....and that his sister wanted him to move nearby and take care of him, and get his son adjusted to the area.....before his time came. I got the guts up to talk with him, and tell him that I loved him, but where we were wasn't enough for the long term. In my heart, I'd never want to leave anyone in this situation but I realized staying because I felt guilty wasn't right either. He lived several more years, and died young.....and he was angry....it wasn't supposed to be like that.....and I stayed because of guilt and then I was angry....because it wasn't supposed to be like that. Leaving was hard......but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do. That's the only story I have that kinda compares in the relationship department.

But relationships are hard.....and we do what we decide is right in the moment....and for me, years passed and staying was the right decision at the time. Sounds like you are really thinking things through and are making progress sorting things out. Keep up the good work.
Hi, thanks. You went through a lot in that relationship. It is very hard to leave someone that we care about even if it is ultimately for the right reasons. Staying out of guilt shouldn't be the main reason to stay with someone.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Random thoughts:

Therapy today. Slept very poorly. My son was also fretful, waking about four times crying but didn't know why. Husband and I had a reparative conversation last night so I assume it wasn't overhearing us. He also at some point got into bed with me. I was already going to be getting 4 hours max, but add that and it was probably less than 3 hours. I'm exhausted.

Hope I don't mess up the therapy intake from being tired. I broke down and took my acute anxiety med bc I wasn't able to sleep otherwise.

Related to the above, I took a slightly higher dose of my ADHD meds yesterday afternoon as I'm still working out the dosage after not taking them for years. This higher dose made my dysregulation from yesterday *disappear.* Now I am more confused than ever about what is adhd and what is ptsd. I feel that the ptsd gets triggered and the ADHD makes it harder to get out of the trigger because I hyperfocus on it and get "stuck."

There's symptom overlap between the two, but I believe I actually have both. It isn't normal for amphetamine to make someone more regulated. My cursory search of pubmed suggests the opposite.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Triggers/symptoms that feel more like classic PTSD
1. People moving a lot behind me
2. Crowds in general
3. People leaving the room without explanation
4. Sudden mood changes in people close to me that are not easily understood or explained proactively
5. Unexpectedly unable to reach partner by phone
6. Sex is... complicated.
7. Times when I need more space
8. Basic dissociation, depersonalization
9. Mood swings
10. Perfectionism, rigidity, difficulty with schedule/plan changes and unpredictability
11. Emotional numbness as a default for all the years before first experience of EMDR

Triggers/sx that are something else maybe
1. Overly sensitive to abandonment (except this matches one of my criterion A events per DSM IV)
2. Sudden shifts in my felt sense that is almost like becoming another person or a very different version of myself, which is beyond having a different mood, and beyond the "different aspects" of self that everyone has
3. Experience of co-consciousness with these different parts when I'm really trying to explore and think about that stuff
4. Some elements of the "favorite person" dynamic with husband despite never experiencing that with other people
5. Disorganized attachment, more common in CPTSD and BPD than single incident or adult onset PTSD
6. Feel the self-deprecation common with CPTSD with intense rejection sensitivity that seems less common in CPTSD
7. Amphetamine reduces dysregulation
8. Per husband, I deny or cannot remember things he says I did in certain frames of mind 1/3 of the time
9. Sometimes my state shift is so pronounced it is jarring AF, where all the emotions, thoughts and sensations just - poof - disappear, and I feel like my normal self - despite doing nothing to actively calm myself down (wonder if this is a parts thing). Also vice versa sometimes when upset I start as normal me but upset then poof become this other version of me that has a very distinctive felt sense and I assume is a protector part.
 

HealingMama

MyPTSD Pro
Addendum. Just read a thread on another website about how many people with CPTSD are triggered by downvotes due to rejection sensitivity so cancel that comment above about it not being a trauma thing.
 
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