Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Posted something recently in the diary for @somerandomguy about oxytocin and found a paper about oxytocin and PTSD. Sharing on my own diary because I don't want to just barge into someone else's space posting links to articles. SRG, thought you might appreciate it as a research minded person.

Bonding and PTSD article

 

[somerandomguy]

Whoa, I just took a glance at it but it looks great! I look forward to really diving I to this. Thanks @HealingMama!

 

[HealingMama]

Just saw a social media post by a friend with herself, her mother and her daughter. I have several friends who have genuine warmth and love towards their mothers. Life would be so different if I could have that too. Instead my mother is immature, demanding, and manipulative. My poor sister is primarily responsible for her medical care now as she moved to be closer to that side of the family. My sister is on a lot more meds than I am and had to retire early because of her mental health. She's older than me and got even worse treatment.

Low contact works for the most part. I tend to have meltdowns after seeing her in person. I hate it.

How am I supposed to learn how to bond with people when the models I have are so messed up.

Sitting in a hospital bed this morning getting iv drugs for my own medical issues. Husband texted he was sorry he missed me leaving for my appointment and that he wanted a hug.

He worked a double yesterday and the break between shifts was spent bickering because I try to manage logistics conversations and he disappears in the middle of them, and I get frustrated but he thinks I'm picking a fight because I'm applying normal conversation expectations to the situation.

I said to him don't put landmines down if you don't want me to step on them.

If you're sitting down with your phone it would be nice to be able to text back and forth and not have you doing other things on your phone for ten minutes before you get back to the conversation. I spend my whole life waiting on him, reorienting him and repeating myself. It makes me feel so devalued and invisible. And like he thinks his time is more important.

This is who he is. I'm sure it is even harder on him for his life to be one big record skip where he doesn't gel with linear time and doesn't even know how much time passes before he gets back to something.

We love each other but I'm not sure how either of us can live our best life under these circumstances.

I don't know how to accept the level of contact and effort he wants to make and have. Everything is basically fine between us if I don't express unmet needs. So then he feels better but my whole experience of the relationship is so hollow that way. As soon as I try to get more of what I need everything falls apart.

I spent a lot of time last night thinking that it would be better for everyone to end the relationship so that we can both rest and recover, but I feel trapped because I have these medical problems that require time to participate in treatments. And he's a more patient father.

I yelled at the dog in the backyard last night because she kept wanting to wander off into the shared path and i couldn't handle both the toddler and dealing with neighbors potentially getting irritated about the dog. I can't handle situations like that and he's so blase like whatever I can charm the neighbors if I have to.

So then I was thinking he could take the dog and I would keep the kid, but even that isn't great because the kid loves the dog.

I have some bad control issues. But I don't know how to get past them. If I'm not in a relationship then there won't be opportunities for disappointments. I won't have the hope of closeness messed up if I don't have anyone there in the first place.

I really don't blame him for being over things, worn out, etc. I am too. But he said a couple nights ago that things will get better on that front. They haven't. After several months they haven't. The relationship has stressed me to the point of suicidal thinking twice in recent months, because he doesn't fight for the connection anymore, so there is just rupture without repair.

I wish he had regular work hours. That would solve so many problems here. I wish I didn't need a close, loving relationship, if I'm going to have one at all. I wish I could settle. I wish I could accept that he won't text, he won't do phone calls, I'm supposed to wait to talk in person, but in person he wants to be on his phone, or he wants to read while he is eating instead of communicate.

If I didn't need conversation and presence this would be easier. No matter what, if one person is getting what they need the other isn't.

How does this relate to where I started. I want warmth and love, and want to be warm and loving, but I was raised in an environment where I didn't receive that or learn how to be that. I didn't see one partner choosing their battles. I didn't see how adults navigate conflicting needs and interests. I don't know how to be in a relationship.

The last two times we tried to have a relationship not just a roommate thing, everything exploded. I'm tired. I know he is tired too. I don't think I can stay very much longer if this is making me suicidal and he says it will get better but it hasn't gotten better. I'm just too scared to acceot single parenting with chronic illness. But the longer we wait, the worse it will be for the child. If I had a guarantee that backing off altogether would get all my needs met I could but history shows that i am left totally unfulfilled. There's just less stress, he cleans better, but there's no vitality between us. No passion.

I know he knows the kind of things I need for the emotional connection because when things hit a crisis point he does deliver. It's just so hard to get those things normally. Why be so damn stingy with the things that would create the glue that makes the other stuff not so annoying.

By the time he gets around to doing something I've needed, I either don't need it anymore or I've grieved not getting it. Why did I choose a partner so much slower than me. I don't want to be in a toxic relationship anymore.

 

[HealingMama]

I also want to talk about perfectionism. My perfectionism is eating me alive and hurting my family. My son wants me to play and I'm too busy cleaning. My perfectionism says if there is only one night that relationship is feasible then it has to be everything for both of us, and those expectations create pressure that causes problems.

Here is a quote from the author of my complex PTSD workbook: Dead Link Removed

Furthermore, shame is often hidden underneath perfectionism. As a child, you may have internalized the belief that you had to act perfect because your parents couldn’t handle your authentic feelings. Or perhaps you believed acting “good” would stop the bad things from happening. In either situation, you may have had to hide your true feelings to avoid rocking the boat. Perfectionism is maintained by critical self-talk that attempts to push down painful feelings. When the inner critic berates you for being lazy, stupid, or useless, you are again confronted with shame.

Ah the many faces of shame that I wear.

I wasn't ever going to have children because I felt too defective. I didn't want to put my issues on a tiny human. I think I've actually done an incredible job at containing my bullish to protect my son but he's also easy right now.

I have shame for not being the stereotypical bubbly cheerful woman that society expects me to be.

I have shame about being human and having limits and needing to take breaks and rest.

I have shame at choosing a partner that is bad for me.

I have shame at allowing my issues to perpetrate cruelty against my partner.

I have shame at getting so upset when there are last minute changes, deviations, or when I get information that is impactful without enough time to emotionally adjust to it before I would need to act on it.

I have shame in social settings with my friends. I'm afraid to participate in our conversations at times.

It was really hard to invite them to a birthday dinner for myself because what if nobody wants to go. What if I'm valued very little by them just like my husband's actions make me feel like I'm not valued.

Apparently when you are married to someone with ADHD it is common to feel unimportant, invisible, neglected and devalued. Like you're not good enough. And I came into the relationship already feeling that. I'm not good enough and I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to live. And he just confirms that feeling on a daily basis. I'm not good enough and I'm also "too much."

But I'm not too much. I just have a backlog of needs that didn't get met. I try to do too much at once but I'm not too much just because my partner copes by trying to avoid feeling emotions. I'm reminding him of what he tries to suppress in himself. I'm open about my attachment needs and he tries to pretend he doesn't have any. I am not too much, but his mother taught him he was too much so he is just acting out what he knows.

I want to get to a place where I can feel good enough even when my husband doesn't care if I even exist. I hate how he feels comfortable just being in the same room. As usual, if i cater to his needs there is not as much fighting but where do I get a space for my emotional needs to be met if I have to cater to him.

My perfectionism makes me obsessive. I wish I could just relax and enjoy my life.

 

[HealingMama]

I want what I want when I want it. I want comfort, reassurance or connection, and if I don't get it then I shut down and resist getting it later.

It's so hard to be open to it in the first place that I don't know how to tolerate just *staying open indefinitely* until someone gets around to meeting those needs.

My husband's trying to bring kid to visit me in the hospital and I want none of it.

Always have to be in control. Rolling eyes at myself today.

 

[HealingMama]

From the Complex PTSD Workbook by Arielle Schwartz:

Importantly, both the dorsal vagal complex and the ventralnvagal complex have parasympathetic actions that exert inhibition on the sympathetic nervous system. The DVC inhibits in a negative way (dissociation, helplessness and despair). Conversely, the VVC [aka social nervous system] is associated with increases in health and emotional well-being as it allows you to rest, digest and relax into feelings of safety and connection.

...What if a child cries [upon separation from caregiver] without any caring response or reconnection? Perhaps the child will develop the capacity to self-soothe, but if that doesn't happen the distress continues and the child may collapse into helplessness.

This explains exactly what happens when there is an attachment rupture in my marriage. I protest, and my protest goes on without restoring any soothing or effort at reconnection, until I fall into despair and suicidal or self harm thinking.

I'm supposed to exercise the VVC with a therapist but my abuser was a therapist, so that's probably one reason I came to my previous T for support and felt dissociative so much.

If I could reach out with someone who is consistently supportive, I would be past this mess.

Instead I picked someone who is only human and has their own stuff, but the way they manage their stuff is pushing me into despair.

My mind is trying to heal itself just as the book describes. I just made a mistake in who I could trust to be with me in that process.

I'm probably posting too much direct material from Dr. Schwartz. I will refrain from posting more direct quotes

In other news, he wanted to bring me lunch but it was 11:45 when he talked about it. I'm not going to sit around right until lunchtime not knowing.how im.going to eat. So I had solved the problem myself by the time he thought about it. That happens a lot. He doesn't plan ahead and by the time he thinks of a thing he could do to help create safety, trust and stability, it is too little too late. Then he gets discouraged and tries even less. I definitely could handle this better.

He said he's sorry he said anything about bringing lunch. How about be sorry that your hypervigilent partner cant wait until the last minute, be sorry that you expect to suddenly show up all of a sudden with no pattern of reliability and have a positive impact. Be sorry that I never know when I can count on you and when I can't. I didn't text about lunch because I never know when he's going to check his phone. I didn't call because he isn't consistent about answering. Don't be butthurt when you don't create an environment of reliability.

 

[HealingMama]

It occurs to me that my relationship cannot help me fix this. I have decided to pull back and keep things light. If I don't have any expectations I can't get hurt. If I don't put my needs out there I won't go through the devastation at not getting what I need in a way that it does something for me.

So I am going to try that. Light, breezy, I'm sure the ADHD will cause issues still, but maybe if I stuff my neediness underground again I can at least experience some relief. I don't really know what else to do. Therapy is only a weekly thing. I don't expect a therapist to be available between sessions. I can't repattern my attachment and heal my inner child with once weekly therapy.

I explained all this to him. I showed him the passage from the book. He says he is all too aware of that pattern but tries to soothe me and I won't let him. Well, I don't really have any other ideas, and for now we work well as coparents. We both have complimentary strengths and weaknesses. There's wisdom to staying and just living life.

So I'm going to try to just not get any emotional needs met in my marriage since trying just a little makes this bottomless pit open up and swallow everyone.

Not sure how long it will last or what I'm doing to my child parts by gagging them this way but we all need a break.

I also told my protector to go away again and I think it's doing some good. I had to get a haircut and actually talked with the person instead of hiding in my phone.

 

[Sideways]

I had this page up as a reference for a completely different issue, but I thought it might be interesting (not new to you, so much as a hopefully timely reminder given where you’re at right now).

Schemas, maladaptive ones we develop in early childhood:The list

I personally (you may not at all!) find referring back to this lost of assessment a helpful reminder of how deeply entrenched these patterns are, how much they impact the way we interpret everything in our experience of the world around us.

There’s a couple that you keep referencing almost word for word. And while yes, relationships can be part of the way we heal our attachment issues, a lot of us need therapy to support that process. Because this stuff is so deeply entrenched.

And I know you’re a T, and that you know this stuff already. Doesn’t mean you need to work through this stuff alone. Healing this stuff is hard work.

Hoping for the beet outcome for you.

 

[HealingMama]

Thanks @Sideways

That is a great reminder at how things started long ago and I need to keep chipping away. Appreciate the share.

I feel like I need to try to chip away in a manner that doesn't involve others right now. I can't handle the stress it causes to pull back then my husband responds well and I forget the only reason he's responding well is because I've subjugated my emotional needs, and in that forgetting I bring them back out and all hell breaks loose.

What I'm trying to do isn't sustainable because I absolutely need the healing of someone looking at me as I fall apart and saying it's ok, you're not too much, I'm still here, what happened shouldn't have happened. From someone who is consistent and safe, so that my protector(s) trust them enough to let the other parts hear it in that moment.

But I can't get that under the current conditions and my nervous system needs a break. I don't know what else to do.

I am still in therapy but I don't feel like therapy is going to be able to help with my attachment stuff. I'm way too worried about being seen as BPD so I don't really reach out or have that expectation of my helpers. It's one hour a week then nothing until the next appointment. I actually reached out to my last T a couple of times between appointments and she didn't respond to any of my messages which just confirms that I shouldn't expect anything beyond the basic therapy hour.

Yeah, I'm a T, but T's self-heal the way doctors can be terrible patients. I can intellectualize myself in the wrong directions, carry a belief that I can somehow do this all by myself, I can spin my wheels in therapy in a way that they may not realize that is what I'm doing, or expect to teach my husband how to meet my attachment needs without any training on somatic psychotherapy or containing emotions for another person. It's kind of silly when you think about what I'm really expecting. My mistake is that I forget this understanding.

Thanks again for the share ?

 

[Sideways]

My mistake is that I forget this understanding.

Nah, your mistake is that you’re human.

Hubby isn’t a therapist, and even if he was, I don’t think you’d want him to fill both rolls. That wouldn’t be healthy for either of you.

Doesn’t seem to me that your current therapy is really digging in at the stuff you want to work at. Sometimes I do wish there were robot therapists where you could just input your issues and they’d regurgitate the most effective treatment and necessary support!

 

[HealingMama]

Nah, your mistake is that you’re human.

Hubby isn’t a therapist, and even if he was, I don’t think you’d want him to fill both rolls. That wouldn’t be healthy for either of you.

Doesn’t seem to me that your current therapy is really digging in at the stuff you want to work at. Sometimes I do wish there were robot therapists where you could just input your issues and they’d regurgitate the most effective treatment and necessary support!

I definitely don't want him to be a therapist. But I feel like it would be easier to heal this particular problem if he could respond in a soothing manner. He tries but it's like going through the motions trying.

Because of course it is. He's tired and doing the best he can.

Now I'm feeling selfish but this is also the dynamic that he offered me from the beginning. He enjoys being there for people.

Last night I actually looked into other therapy options. My problem is time. I don't have much time off at work, they make it complicated to take it, and traffic where I live is awful but I will have to figure something out.

 

[HealingMama]

So far containing my needs is helpful in generating stability at home. Not a practical long term solution but useful at the moment.

Thinking of taking a different job that offers more flexibility to attend medical appointments. This would make therapy for myself easier to manage.

My protector has made me abusive and I'm trying to make amends. I've encouraged husband to join me in the master bed this week since he has chronic pain and will be traveling. Two nights in a row he's come to bed at 2am and I've given him a back rub to help him be able to sleep. This circumstance would previously set me off to rage at him. I am trying to take responsibility for my own needs which means if he wakes me up and I'm going to struggle to sleep, I can leave the room. He deserves to get a decent night's sleep as much as I do.