Piecing things together

[Jade-]

ETA I know that you are a therapist, but do you think maybe working with a trauma T could help you identify and resolve some of these issues more effectively?

I have to agree with what Sideways said. I know your response was last time you did you decompensated but I do think it's something you should consider.

I don't come here often but when I do I always read your posts. When I read your last one my first thought was there she goes, latching onto something she read and is running with it again.

It just seems like you're running in circles trying this and that with no changes really. And it seems you will try anything except facing and working through your traumas and maybe that's what you really need?

Sure,trauma therapy is extremely hard and many people get worse before they get better but it might have positive,lasting effects in the long run.

All this self analysis and self diagnosing doesn't seem to be working well for you. I hope you can one day cease being your own therapist and allow a trauma T to help you.

 

[HealingMama]

I have to agree with what Sideways said. I know your response was last time you did you decompensated but I do think it's something you should consider.

I don't come here often but when I do I always read your posts. When I read your last one my first thought was there she goes, latching onto something she read and is running with it again.

It just seems like you're running in circles trying this and that with no changes really. And it seems you will try anything except facing and working through your traumas and maybe that's what you really need?

Sure,trauma therapy is extremely hard and many people get worse before they get better but it might have positive,lasting effects in the long run.

All this self analysis and self diagnosing doesn't seem to be working well for you. I hope you can one day cease being your own therapist and allow a trauma T to help you.

Thank you.

I did have a consult with a new therapist to address trauma. He suggested using CPT.

You're right that I am running in circles.

 

[Ronin]

Any things in childhood are bad enough & able to bring on dissociation et all et worse... just because kids can't handle that hurt & shouldn't have to / too small, still learning the world, hell anything in the world, and all.

So any and all abuse IS bad enough.

 

[HealingMama]

Just had my second trauma therapy visit. I like this guy. We spent most of it going over my relationship history because it is a source of big stress and he needs to know how stable my life is to determine how quickly or deeply to go with trauma stuff.

I'm also very excited because he said next time he is hoping to learn more about my internal landscape. He also called it a system. It is very new to me to conceptualize things this way. I have a friend online who calls herself "multiple" and have been talking with her, describing some of the things I do or have done that lead me to wonder about parts, and she keeps saying that all sounds familiar to her.

I told my new therapist I'm glad he wants to learn more about my inner parts because I don't know how much of my relationship instability is from that. He said, exactly.

I feel like there's parts inside that are mostly excited that I am trying to address this angle, because I have never done that before.

I have also been horribly depressed lately. It's a nice change from being anxious, but it makes it hard to function this way.

My therapist also rightly called out that I am taking more than my fair share of responsibility for my relationship problems.

Homework: journal what I want for my relationship if I'm the only one who gets to have an opinion, self care stuff, get a couples counseling appointment.

I have been trying to get my husband's buy in for separating. I think that there are many reasons it is a good choice, but I've not been able to pursue it because it's so hard to tolerate his negative emotion at the idea. I hope he will see that it is in everyone's best interest so we can do it amicably and kindly. I don't think either of us wants to hurt the other.

 

[HealingMama]

Thinking of everyone with this global pandemic. I hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy.

 

[HealingMama]

Last night I started feeling restless and like I was going to dissociate. I'm the only one at home this week and I started fearing being alone. I distracted myself and eventually went to sleep. I woke up with this tormented overlay on my emotional self. I think it's a part that u don't usually interact with. I'm not sure what to do though because there's no verbal communication so I'm just sitting with the pain instead of running from it.

Of course then I think I'm making all this up ? and I'm just having a medical issue that is making me dehydrated so I feel bad. Except you know I hear some whispering when I think that way.

I have no idea what I'm doing with myself here.

 

[HealingMama]

So, it seems that some of my parts like my husband and some don't. Some see him as awesome and some see him as dangerous. I suppose my ambivalence is making more sense now.

It's hard because my sense of what is right is so pinned to the moment and apparently also based on which parts are out. I've spent the last several weeks thinking about needing to separate for a variety of different reasons but this new part out today is making it hard to remain consistent with that.

I guess when it comes to major life decisions you can always choose to do nothing and reassess later. We can't afford separate places right now anyway. But it is really exhausting to be in this much inner conflict.

 

[HealingMama]

That part left after I did some journaling last night. Now I just feel like me. It left rather suddenly too. My new T suggested coloring activities to support her. I guess he assumed it was a child part. I don't know that it was.

Been reading about shell alters and protectors and how commonly protectors view the partner of an ANP (host) as a threat and react, often where the ANP doesn't remember it.

That would explain why I feel much less stable around my husband, being around him causes more switching. I've been thinking how I also have really struggled when my husband's kids are with us (all girls) and I feel like it's trauma responses at least in part. My husband has a beard like my dad did and is a "sensitive, kind, but not ambitious" guy like my dad was.

As much as I have dissociated during sex now I'm wondering if I have some sexual issues from the past and blocked it from conscious awareness. I'll have to discuss with my T.

In the meantime, Buspar continues to help with anxiety and hypervigilence.

 

[HealingMama]

I wish I didn't feel abandoned and betrayed every time I finally have a nice, connected experience with my husband then the next time I see him he's forlorn, distracted, complacent or for whatever reason not acting the same. It's hard to feel safe and trust when the thread doesn't stay the same tautness.

Made the mistake of trying to communicate with him and of course he cannot. He denies, blame shifts. Expects me to ignore his mood despite being raised abusively. I dared to bring that up, that I lose emotional safety when people inexplicably change moods without letting me know that they are aware of it and he belittled my needs around that. I'm so sick of this guy. More accurately, I'm so sick of trying to talk through things with someone that won't or can't do it. I brought up divorce and he rolled his eyes but what other option is there? I can't live my entire life with someone that it is impossible to really talk to. I was calm and mindful, didn't raise my voice, gave him plenty of chances to speak, and he said I was having a hissy fit.

No, I'm not, and I won't let him warp my self perception. He just doesn't want to acknowledge his difficulties around emotion management and communication. Be moody and acknowledge it, or something, but it's so f*cking jarring to have an experience of an attachment figure then bam they are in a totally different place. He will never just stay there with me for more than a day at a time.

No parts today, too busy full of adrenaline dealing with the pandemic.

I am worthy of a healthy relationship.
I am worthy of a relationship where people talk like adults.
I am worthy of a relationship with someone that takes responsibility for themselves instead of blame shifting.
I am worthy of safety and happiness.
I am worthy of consistency.
I am worthy of accountability.

 

[HealingMama]

We have the highest per capital COVID-19 infection rate in the United States apparently. A confirmed positive case where I work. My rheumatologist has written a letter asking my supervisor to allow telework out of an abundance of caution, and I am hesitating to turn it in being a new employee at this facility. They have absolutely no reason to need me there in person. But I don't want to be seen in a negative light. I think my employer should have sent everyone home that isn't involved in urgent or emergent medical care a week ago, as should most employers. Our supervisor asked us Friday if we had been fit tested for N95 masks. No, I'm not medical, why is leadership still trying to keep us on site?

If anyone reading has an opinion on turn in my letter and be seen maybe as special in a bad way by new leadership, or don't turn in letter but risk infection, please chime in. I'm supposed to telework anyway. My paperwork has just not been processed yet.

 

[somerandomguy]

Don't risk infection is my own advice, especially if you're supposed to be teleworking anyway!

 

[TruthSeeker]

Trying to work on more body awareness and awareness of when my perception or stage changes.

Tonight I was reading a bit about structural dissociation of the personality and for some reason was able to have a felt sense of grief.

I think the parts that hold my pain realize I'm trying to not be so avoidant about it.

Grief really hurts.

Also my experience of my husband is all over the place as usual. Is he safe or unsafe. I don't know. I do know he really hurt me today. He belittled my attachment issues. I told him leaving conflicts unresolved before we go to bed messes up my attachment and he says putting his socks on the wrong way messes up my attachment and "don't give [him] that shit." Such a crappy thing to say.

It's not the first time. Sometimes when we are disagreeing I'm able to link my behavior to the triggering of my father's death and he acts like I'm trying to manipulate him.

He wants to make me think he supports me but then he kicks me when I'm down. And then wants to pretend nothing happened.

Anyway. Back to the grief. Grief is so heavy. It makes me want to just sleep. I am proud of myself for being in my body better. I am used to floating a bit outside of my body.

I joined this forum in 2017 and have been absent for a long time. Avoidance sets in and I stop trying to do my work. Hope I can keep going this time.

My x husband did the same thing....kicked me when I was down...said nasty unsupportive things that put the blame back on me........his hurt was a little here....a little there........and grew into more obvious gaslighting when the time suited him.....I'd rather be alone and not get kicked by anyone but me than to never know when it would happen....but always know it would happen at some point to really upend my day. Sorry you are not trusting your husband....a hard place to be.