Perspective11
Bronze Member
I ended up taking all the prescription pills that my Dr recently prescribed me... two week's worth.
Background info:
Recently I had a panic attack after being around the area of where the last rape happened (3 weeks ago). I had called my counselor during a black out (don't remember dialing the number)... we had talked for a bit and I had told her that I picked up a prescription of 60 topomax (a medication mainly for seizures, headaches, and other things as well). I had pills at home as well and told her that I needed to get rid of them because if I didn't I was going to take them all. I don't remember the specific details of our conversation - I was too "out of it" by then with dissociating that all I was focused on was getting all the pills that I had at the time and leaving my apartment to take them to their office... just so I wouldn't have them here during that weekend... knowing how bad the black outs were and it was a matter of time of making that split decision to end up taking them without really realizing what I'm doing.
**when I dissociate I lose all sense of being - emotionally mentally physically not here anymore**
Fast forward to the last meeting with my Dr...
He had asked me if he could trust me with a months worth of pills to help me sleep... I was honest with him (*always* am - sometimes I hate that I am) and told him that with all the recent events that it wouldn't be a good idea... and a week's worth would be better... only for it to be changed to 2 week's worth.
As much as I don't want to, I know that I'll end up telling him about them being gone already... I got them on Tuesday. I meet with him this Thursday and I don't want him to know - apparently I'm ok (he hates when I say that I'm ok) - but it has been a concern about giving me medications when I have a tendency to black out and take them without realizing it....
And, I can't give them to my sister to "monitor" them because she's had 6-7 severe suicide attempts since the end of August... that ended with her in the hospital and not breathing the last couple of times.
Maybe I can just not mention it to him... ugh, I hate trusting him so much! I've come to realize that I'm "lucky" with the counselor and Dr that I have - a lot of people aren't able to find people like them... but sometimes I just wish I wasn't as honest with them as I have been about everything.
Background info:
Recently I had a panic attack after being around the area of where the last rape happened (3 weeks ago). I had called my counselor during a black out (don't remember dialing the number)... we had talked for a bit and I had told her that I picked up a prescription of 60 topomax (a medication mainly for seizures, headaches, and other things as well). I had pills at home as well and told her that I needed to get rid of them because if I didn't I was going to take them all. I don't remember the specific details of our conversation - I was too "out of it" by then with dissociating that all I was focused on was getting all the pills that I had at the time and leaving my apartment to take them to their office... just so I wouldn't have them here during that weekend... knowing how bad the black outs were and it was a matter of time of making that split decision to end up taking them without really realizing what I'm doing.
**when I dissociate I lose all sense of being - emotionally mentally physically not here anymore**
Fast forward to the last meeting with my Dr...
He had asked me if he could trust me with a months worth of pills to help me sleep... I was honest with him (*always* am - sometimes I hate that I am) and told him that with all the recent events that it wouldn't be a good idea... and a week's worth would be better... only for it to be changed to 2 week's worth.
As much as I don't want to, I know that I'll end up telling him about them being gone already... I got them on Tuesday. I meet with him this Thursday and I don't want him to know - apparently I'm ok (he hates when I say that I'm ok) - but it has been a concern about giving me medications when I have a tendency to black out and take them without realizing it....
And, I can't give them to my sister to "monitor" them because she's had 6-7 severe suicide attempts since the end of August... that ended with her in the hospital and not breathing the last couple of times.
Maybe I can just not mention it to him... ugh, I hate trusting him so much! I've come to realize that I'm "lucky" with the counselor and Dr that I have - a lot of people aren't able to find people like them... but sometimes I just wish I wasn't as honest with them as I have been about everything.
