Pity party vs grief

[Freida]

However, grief is about loss,(of a loved one, of self, of our childhood, of a limb, employment, health, etc) and is at the core of what happened to us. It is at our core, and may create that pity especially when we feel overwhelmed.

I love this -- the idea that it is at the core..rather than on the top waiting for people to notice

they have a problem for every solution.

Yea --- I'm keeping that quote! Because it really does make sense

If you stay stuck in your head debating whether or not you have a right to feel, you’re just delaying your healing. (This is what I have to tell myself, as well).

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This made me laugh because my T has been after me for so long to try to feel sorrow/grief/rage/whatever. But she never put it quite that way ---which really resonated

 

[NightSky]

@NightSky , what a beautiful and healing way to grieve. Little NightSky has been holdi...

Thank you, @ladee. Your words mean a lot to me. This process/journey feels like a lot of stumbling in the dark just hoping I’m heading in the right direction. I’m so grateful for people who understand.

 

[katz]

Yeah, so I did an exercise once that helped me a bit with the feeling sad thing. And because it was a...

Thank you so much for this idea! I have many, many years of journal writings that always talk about what happened in the 3rd person. I will definitely try this. I think that hearing myself saying it - about myself - will help me learn to feel and help me grieve.

 

[ladee]

I had an experience today that was a combo of self pity and grief. Telling the PA in Pain Doc's office I just wanted my body back, the one that didn't hurt all the time.. THAT was self pity, because that was a thought.... when the tears started falling, that was grief, because it was a feeling deep in my gut....Grieving that my body can not do what it could even a year ago.... But it has prompted me to do things differently too. So acceptance will come... and that part is grief..

 

[NightSky]

Saw this today in something I’m reading (“Cultivating Self-Compassion in Trauma Survivors” by Christopher Germer and Kristen Neff ) and it reminded me of this thread:
“Childhood trauma survivors may also equate self-compassion with self-pity or self-centeredness. They may have been told as children to “get over yourself” when they suffered and complained. It is important to under- stand that by entering into our emotional pain with kindness, we are less likely to wallow in self-pity. The reason is that self-compassion recognizes the shared nature of human suffering and avoids egocentrism. Sometimes only a few minutes is all that is needed to validate our pain and disentangle ourselves from it.”

 

[Deleted member 46276]

@Neverthesame: "Here's what gets me. Ptsd makes it difficult to move on.
So, how is it productive to focus on the grief?

It's just going to be stuck on replay forever and ever, forever more.
How is it not a pity party if I'll never "move on"?
I'm actually asking, not phrasing judgement as a question. This is something that has bothered me for a long time."

I think obsession versus being upset about something is similarly difficult. The thing won't stop replaying endlessly, so it's like an obsessive thought and like a pity party, but then it's also not. I think there is something lacking in common vernacular to explain, or maybe because some trauma is so entrenched it causes otherwise well adjusted person to behave more like an self-obsessed drama queen, even if that's not their natural tendencies.

 

[Freida]

“Childhood trauma survivors may also equate self-compassion with self-pity or self-centeredness. They may have been told as children to “get over yourself” when they suffered and complained. It is important to under- stand that by entering into our emotional pain with kindness, we are less likely to wallow in self-pity

wow --.... that's gonna take some time to wrap my mind around......

it causes otherwise well adjusted person to behave more like an self-obsessed drama queen, even if that's not their natural tendencies.

Yes!! this is my fear! If I give in to "it" I'm going to end up like some freaked out melodrama star wandering around all "whoa's me you must pay attention to my troubles ...."

 

[Tinyflame]

I think grief is like your heart gets ripped open, and self pity is like you stare at the needle and thread and curse it (or refuse any glue)?

“Childhood trauma survivors may also equate self-compassion with self-pity or self-centeredness.

Yes.

 

[Freida]

@Junebug I like that analogy!