Please believe me

[Still Standing]

Ok, I would still take these statements that you have made, write them out, and give them to your therapist. One reason is that it reinforces your attempt at communicating this issue with your T. Second, it shows him how intense and ongoing your thoughts are with you...not that he does not know, but reiterating will strengthen his understanding your level of frustration, on the matter, is. The other thing that I have to ask is, "When you are struggling with these thoughts, do you stop and go through your grounding techniques and utilize your distractions to help to calm the thoughts? It takes practice to begin to get hold of the thoughts that sabotage your mind. I understand the attacking thoughts. I have them, too, including suicidal ideations. Where are you in therapy? Are you going CBT, EMDR, or other methods of treatment? Maybe it would be worthwhile to change the format. What do you think? All I know is that threatening self-harm just to prove a point just muddies the water.

 

[Sideways]

feel like I've tried being honest in therapy about what's going on

You keep trying. Because you may feel that you’ve been honest in therapy, but you’ve also explained that you backtrack, and put your happy face on. And putting your happy face on? Isn’t the honest you. So when you catch yourself doing that? You take a few breaths, remove the happy face, and start again.

Unfortunately, just telling him about how you’re feeling? Isn’t an instant fix. You won’t walk away from that appointment and suddenly not be depressed. That takes time. Telling him how you’re feeling will help him to help you start to change how you’re feeling, it won’t fix the problem just because you’ve told him. It takes time, try and be patient.

Communicating with your T is essential, and you’ll get better at it. You will. Keep practicing.

Making an attempt to “show him” how you feel? Isn’t communicating. It isn’t working as a team. It’s pure manipulation, because if you make an attempt, you force his hand to respond in a particular way (hospitalisation). Hat may be what you feel you need short term. But if it is what you feel you need? That’s what you tell him, and then you tell him why.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

everyone who loves you will wonder why you didn't reach out.

they need not wonder so hard bc when i have reached out, the response i have gotten has been disappointing proving that they will never understand....
you just need to love yourself more and you'll be fine...
you just need to pray to god..
you just need to move out..
you just need to find boyfriend..
you just need to get married

give me a BREAK!

 

[Still Standing]

Yeah, those are stupid responses but the intent behind them is not. They are offering advice dependent on their very limited understanding on how to support you. Perhaps, they need some information of what it is that you are dealing with. For those who are closest to you, one person is fine, two would be better, are you able to give them a print out on the character of the mental challenges you are dealing with...information also on how to support someone? I know we don't understand the full story here. But we can only respond to what you have shared. With that in mind, it seems that you are putting so much energy into finding fault and excuses to why you cannot move forward. How can anyone help you if whatever they do is seen as unhelpful...including your therapist? Your disappointment in how someone responds to you, in good faith, does not prove they are never going to able to understand. That is you, pushing them away, which you then interpret to being a fulfillment of you own judgment against them. They need tools in which to understand your need so they can better help you, just like you need to practice the tools given to you in therapy in how to control and cope with your anxiety and mistrust. Why not try again, to talk with your therapist and then consider asking someone, who is close to you, to team with you and learn how they can help you, so that you will have a support system outside of counseling? Is this all easy? No? Is it worth the try? Yes. Don't let the frustration overwhelm you. You give the impression that you have the spunk to fight on. You can do this. If all else seems to fail and you can get not further with your therapist, maybe it is time to change, letting a new personality enter into your life, who might have a different approach in your care. There are always options...

 

[shimmerz]

How believable is it to tell someone you feel hopeless and at your breaking point when u are smiling...

If he is a good therapist he will know exactly what is happening.

What I don't like about all of this is that you defend your choices to take the manipulative way around things. Perhaps because you don't think you are going to be heard. Sounds like you think you will be judged. Sounds like there is a part of you that wants to show people (through your actions) that you mean business. Unfortunately, the only person who is going to get hurt if you follow that course of action is you.

Threatening to commit suicide because of another person's actions is coercive. People don't like that much. It is drama and it is manipulative. My thought is that you want better for yourself and that is why you are with a therapist. So help them do their jobs and speak to/write/scratch or scribble what is happening with you. It is serious.

Here you have gotten a ton of responses. They are good responses and wise responses. Now you have a bunch of support. Now it's your turn. Talk to your supports and your T. Otherwise you will spinning around on this merry-go-round for life. I don't recommend that, personally.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Ok, I would still take these statements that you have made, write them out, and give them to you...

ok i will write them out and give it to my t after my next session.
when i have the repetitive thoughts i call someone and go through them..they make me realize they are not reasonable. 2 minutes later they are back in my head and have to repeat the process or find a distraction.
my t does sensorimotor and AEDP. Id like to try other formats but the thought of losing my t makes me quite sad.

 

[Sideways]

2 minutes later they are back in my head and have to repeat the process or find a distraction.

For me, I use Thought Diffusion to combat my repetitive suicidal thoughts. It’s a skill that is part of ACT, but you can probably learn it from your T.

It takes practice. It takes committment even when it seems like it’s not working. For me? It’s my go to skill for repetitive thoughts that I know are unhelpful.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Yeah, those are stupid responses but the intent behind them is not. They are offering advice d...

thanks for your support..

i can clearly SEE my twisted pattern of behavior..but i cannot STOP it. it is full blown push and pull. I try to prove to everyone including myself that my T isn't trustworthy...when i give up and tell myself fine then go find someone else, i'm like nooo but I can't possibly stop seeing him, he is the only one..he is amazing. it's a terrible cycle that happens on a level i can't stop. i have gone through more than 20 Ts...this current one is the one who gets me the most and i am trying so hard to stick with him but it feels unbearable.

i feel hopeless because i feel like i have a problem that doesnt have an easy solution. i tell my T that i need him to come close but when he does come close i punish him for it. it's crazy making I know but it's not easy for me either..it's torture...this is all at a very deep survival level that i have little control over.

maybe ill give this to my T because it's the best description ive been able to give of what's happening with me..

 

[Sideways]

but i cannot STOP it. it is full blown push and pull.

You can change your behaviours. That’s exactly what you’re doing here: identifying the issues, planning out ways to change...all that’s left in that process? Is practice and patience.

You got this:)

 

[Still Standing]

maybe ill give this to my T because it's the best description ive been able to give of what's happening with me..

Yup, sounds like a good idea to me. And, just a thought to consider, and we are all in the same boat as you. YOU are the only one who can change your thought patterns. I am the only one who can change my SI and distrusting thought patterns. Is it hard, yes. But, with the support of a therapist who can gently push me forward toward overcoming my destructive and unhealthy thoughts and actions, I have an encouraging partner in my recovery. I CAN begin to counter my own, "I can't's". You CAN, too. It starts with trying, and as Freida has encouraged me when I get overwhelmed, "take baby steps". Baby steps will get you to where you need to go faster than trying to jump the mighty gorge that spreads out before you. I think you get in a tizzy over your thoughts and simply give up. It is easier to let them override your better judgment than to counter them. To overcome does not happen quickly. I struggle on a daily basis, with some days being better than other, with my thoughts. Yesterday, heck, most of last week, had me treading water. Today, not so much. You can tackle this. You know why I know this? Because you articulate yourself very well, which tells me you are an intelligent, reasoning human being. You have your faculties about you. Use them to your best ability. You CAN go forward and see bits of improvement...and when you do, accept them. They are yours and something to be proud of.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I was suicidal every day for over 4 years. I know it's hard to fight, and I know that I thought my therapist didn't understand how deep it went. I had many serious attempts because I wanted to die, not to prove a point. My brother who also had PTSD also had attempts. He succeeded. Every day I cry because I might have been able to stop it. Every day. I know what it does to family and friends. If you don't want my advice, don't listen, but believe me, it was the end. It continues to cause me grief. I understand his pain was more than he could bear, and it was horrible finding his body.

Also, my therapy was a lot like yours in the beginning. I wouldn't look at him, or allow him to call me by my first name. It was a long time before I worked things out enough to believe he really did see how I felt, and was trying to help. I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I was suicidal every day for over 4 years. I know it's hard to fight, and I know that I thought my t...

Sorry about your brother.. I can't imagine what you go through daily...so sad :(

I wouldn't look at him, or allow him to call me by my first name.

Why do u think it was hard like that? Like why didn't u want him to call u by your first? And how did you work it out?