Please Help...how To Start Discussing Trauma With T

[ghotiff]

I'm seeing my T today and I really want to do trauma work, but I know I'll derail my session again with trivial matters.

Just writing this thread makes my heart race, (I assume with fear).

Any thoughts? I've been with my T for over a year and she's great but I still struggle with bringing up my abuse. I don't know what to say to her. She knows it happened (obviously)...what else is there to say?

Please help.....

 

[KwanYingirl]

Oh @ghotiff i can relate completely . It is so hard to talk to therapist about my trauma. He says I have told him but only the tip of the iceberg. I think he knows that based on my fear of disclosing my story. I always went off on tangents during therapy it was the critic and the frightened and threatened little girl in me that just wouldn't budge. Then I heard this quote during a yoga class:
And the time came when the
Risk to remain tight in a bud
Was more painful than the
Risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin
I made up my mind that I would start talking. My silence on the matter was killing me. And I did a little at a time. He assures me he knows what I went through.
It's important to remember that you are safe now. The worst things are over and to share a burden lightens your load. Best wishes
Kyg

 

[oasis2003]

I just think it is avoidance strategies. I do it all the time. My heart races too and I am always afraid of therapy. I try to talk triviality but this T does not let me! She exposes me to my fears to try to build habituation to them I think. The more she gets to know how I tick the better she put s fear into me which makes me even more scared and apprehensive. I found it so difficult to begin with to tell any one about my traumas, in fact I could not verbalise to start with and wrote it down. I then read it to the T with difficulty. I don't know if any of this has helped but this is my experience of it. By the way the More I repeated telling the easier it became in fact you are supposed to get fed up of repeating it eventually I think. For me there are still areas where I cannot possibly go. Some of mine are body memories too.
I hope you manage to work on some hard issues and that it starts to make you accept them good wishes. :)

 

[oasis2003]

@KwanYingirl I like your bud - blossom quote and yes telling does lighten the load but it is really hard just a little at a time is best. May you be safe from harm.

 

[ghotiff]

Does one actually describe the sexual act that took place? That just seems so disgusting?

My T keeps saying it's the feelings that matter not what happened but I have the feelings (body memories) of how those acts felt. It fills me with disgust to think about telling someone.

I don't know if I'm not ready, or I'm just avoiding it. I think I'm just avoiding it.

And how does one start this conversation. "I want to tell you a disgusting story so you too feel gross"?

 

[ghotiff]

And then.....

I go through the process of listing all my emotional "tells" so that I can hide them (eg squirming).

If I don't hide them I feel like she'll think that I'm over exaggerating.

 

[oasis2003]

I know it is so disgusting and body memories are unbearable and pain full. I have told 3 therapists all of the gory details. I have discussed with them that I don't want to upset them by telling them such things. They have all assured me that they are used to it. To start with it was so hard but like I said I wrote mine down, even that was hard and it took me ages and several sessions of heart wrenching emotions. The T then asked me to read it to her. I could not read some parts. Even just writing this to you is triggering me. But I did read it eventually over several sessions. Because I could not read it she asked to read it her self. To start with I thought there is no way I want her to see this. I eventually let her read it. She just accepted it and discussed it with me like a shopping list!? Because I could not verbalise it any more I did several sessions of emdr. I still could not relive part of it I just cannot go there into all of the details it is still too much. I have improved though because I can write this to you. At the start of therapy there is no way I could have done this. Maybe you are not ready, or maybe just try a little at a time. The T told me to imagine that I was watching what happened like it was a movie and it could not hurt me. I hope you can open up I know it will help you. Just think of therapy as a nurse giving you treatment to hope fully make you better. During Emdr I was bent over in pain and one of my legs always kicked out at a certain part of the reliving. You have to think they are trying to help me and they are used to working daily with stuff like this.

 

[RavenGirl]

I too am going through the same things. Was abused by 2 brothers and a cousin starting at age 13 or 14 (I believe) and then one of the brothers continued the abuse until I was finally strong enough to stop him around age 17. I tried to tell my parents 3 different times and was told; STOP TATTLING, TOUGHEN UP, DEAL WITH IT! ! Of course I wasn't brave enough to come out and say they raped me (because I had been threatened many times) but I told about the mental, and other physical abuse I was suffering! ! I kept it hidden from everyone for over 30 years, thought I was doing fine until PTSD reared its ugly head this June. I'm shaking just writing this. .. it's so hard to open up but I am greatful my therapist is able to get me to talk. For me a female helps. I'm hoping as time goes on it will get easier.

 

[Milo's papa]

I'm seeing my T today and I really want to do trauma work, but I know I'll derail my session again with...

ghotiff, Sometimes I have the same problem,the best way I've found to broach the subject is to walk in and just start letting it all flow out of your mouth. I know that sounds crazy, but if I don't give myself a chance to think about what I'm saying it really helps.

 

[RavenGirl]

Definitely, if I think to much I won't say anything! I have been toying with the idea of finally telling my patents what happened all those years ago. I'm terrified about what they will think of me, sad right! I'm terrified they won't want anything to do with me, that they might think I'm lying, or that if they do believe me they'll blame me for breaking up the family not my evil narcissistic abusive brother. Our maybe they will act like nothing happened. I had a cousin who was abused, her parents told her it never happened! ! My mind won't shut off about the what ifs, so "just say it" before I think to much works wonders for me. What do we have to lose by talking? Fear, heartache, stress, pain, trauma? I say, "let's talk and gain strength, release, or power, self love! !" We are worth it! !

 

[Suzetig]

I've told some stuff but not other bits. At one point I did think I needed to go through everything that happened in detail but I started talking about the things that I felt had the biggest impact, not in great gory detail but enough so we both knew what I was talking about. I started by saying "there's things I need to talk about" and gave an over view of what I was dealing with.

I didn't go back and talk about any of it again for about 4 months but got to the place where I could unpick it bit by bit. There are some things I did talk about in a lot of detail, mainly physical and emotional abuse by my parents, and stuff I've talked about more generally eg roughly what happened eg sexual abuse.

Don't put yourself under pressure to tell in every detail, trust that you'll know how much you need to say and when. A skilled therapist will help you with it.

 

[barefoot]

I really want to do trauma work, but I know I'll derail my session again with trivial matters.

Oh, I so relate to this! I spent months and months getting really frustrated with myself about this - I'd go to every session determined to 'go there' and 'do the work' and sometimes even planning exactly what I wanted to say...and then I'd get in her room and chit chat about everything under the sun apart from the big important stuff! It's like something happens to me when I get in her room and all the things I've planned to talk about go completely out the window.

In the end, I emailed her to tell her how annoyed and frustrated I was with myself because I knew I was doing this and avoiding what I really needed to work on and I knew I was wasting sessions by not 'doing the work'.

So we ended up having a session talking about this - my frustration with myself and the way I behave in the therapy room. And that turned out to be a really good, useful session. We still haven't done the trauma stuff - I've told her the facts of what happened but the next step is to process the emotions around it and that's where I draw a blank at the moment. But I don't feel the same pressure any more. And she reassured me that we weren't just 'chatting' and I wasn't wasting time - because it was all providing useful context and laying foundations for when I was ready to move on to the next level of work. And that's early lessened my impatience and my frustration with myself.

Do you want to talk about trauma in today's session because there are things you actively really want to say/discuss? Or is it because you feel you 'should' be talking about it instead of 'wasting time' talking about trivial stuff? If it's the latter, I wonder if it might be worth you bringing this up with your therapist as opposed to trying to force the trauma conversation? I really found it a useful discussion and I think my therapist found it helpful too.