Supporter Please Help, I'm Now Homeless Due To My Wife's Ptsd; We Also Have 2 Young Kids.

[Abstract]

Hi Mwhptsd,

Thank you for answering. That does make sense. I guess an employer could loose patience eventually and its possible your type of work is not well protected.

To understand hypervigilence think of the type of response your body and mind would go into if someone was threatening your life right now. All your senses would be heightened. You would be scanning everything for danger. You would feel jumpy. Looking for where the next threat was coming from. When someone has PTSD they tend to get stuck in this way of functioning. Thats because the body and mind are trapped in the trauma. Therefore everything tends to look dangerous.

If someone has not done much work on healing and hasn't got much insight then they can find it difficult to look past these feelings and reactions and see them for what they are - about the past and not the present. They can believe their reactions and think there is real threat rather than looking at the logical information to the contrary. In other words they can see danger and believe it when there isn't any.

How is she with the children? Is she a reliable mother? Is there anyone else stable that has regular contact with them?

I think your first step needs to be to find a job and place to live. If you are independent of her then you will be much less vulnerable and can take the next step forwards. I wonder if it might be possible to approach your previous employer if you get some stability. I would assure him you are not moving back, that you are no longer in danger of repeatedly loosing somewhere to live and that are committed to being reliable. You need to first be able to demonstrate some proof though.

 

[MyWifeHasPTSD]

In reply to Abstract (post #37): Thanks for the info on hypervigilence; I think she's (and my kids & I) suffering from that as well, which may trigger the fight or flight response.

A to Q #1: She's an ok mom; however, she's not doing much of anything else (ie, cooking meals; maintaining a decent living environment; or picking up & washing clothes in a washing machine, which we have in our home). I found out about 2 weeks ago when i picked up some of my belongings-- the house was messier than usual, which is pretty darn messy/dirty. I'm not saying these tasks are a mom's job, however, she needs to show our kids some basic cleanliness & responsibility, now that she's the only parent in our home.

A to Q #2: She visits w/ a couple people from church (and older female, & a recent widow; & a same age female, who's married w/ a few slightly older kids); I know them both & they're pretty stable/ normal.

Fortunately, I do have a strong possibility of getting employment (thank God) in another line of work.

My kids & I have been through a lot of years of bizarre & destructive behavior from her (and yes, I've participated in more than a few loud arguments), & I've decided that I won't return to her/ our home, as she needs to address & take responsibility for her (long over-due) untreated PTSD. And I could end up in jail (simply by living w/ her), due to her penchant for calling the police, then greatly exaggerating the truth, during one of her many PTSD episodes.

If she TRULY loves our kids & me, now's the time for her to take advantage of the multitude of free resources she's been blessed w/ from being 100% medically-retired from the Navy. Thanks a lot for caring, I really appreciate your desire to help : )

 

[ms spock]

Your wife may not be able to take advantage of the resources available to her, free or not. If your wife is stuck in hyper-vigilance she might stay there for some time, particularly given that she has been stuck there for 14 years.

I have been stuck in the PTSD for along time and I working hard to get out of it. I haven't meant to hurt people around me but I know I have and gradually I am apologising to people for this.

The main focus, I humbly suggest, needs to be you. You need a home and a job. You need therapy to work through all your frustration and pain from the years. This will clear the way for you being there for your children as they grow up. And trust me they are going to need to have you present and clear to get through the next ten years.

My father was a sadist who is a Vietnam Vet who has PTSD. My mother matched him for cruelty. It does seem unfair that I have to do all this work to clear their baggage out of my life. No one can do it for me. I have to do it for myself. I am really trying hard and I am struggling at the moment. Somedays I despair of getting through it but I keep it going. I am pretty committed to changing my life. Perhaps your wife will never change, sad as it might be to say that I would prepare for the worst, safeguard your heart and mind, have a home and a job and start to build your own life. Even being so committed to change I am slipping and sliding some days.

You have baggage because of living with an untreated PTSD, and it is not fair what happened to you but you are the one who has to go to therapy and deal with all the issues, which is not fair, otherwise your children will have pretty much two emotionally unavailable parents.

You need to set goals for yourself as well as rewards.

You are brave to reach out for help. You are brave for telling your truth.

Now you have to get your life sorted so that you always have a home, for yourself and for your kids.

I am so glad you have a possibility for having a job, which will mean you channel your energy and intelligence in a constructive manner.

Most of what I have written won't be that helpful as I am sure you have worked out by now that your wife most likely won't change, unless she really wants to change, even then it is an uphill battle.

You need to take good care of yourself, learn to self sooth, change your focus to as much positive stuff as you can, have some hobbies, do some exercise and look after yourself. When you have a place and a job a physical might be a good thing to get up to date with any outstanding health issues you might have.

I wish you well in your journey.

If anything I wrote was not on the money or helpful please take it as it is intended a little bit of solace and support for you during this difficult time.

 

[ms spock]

If she TRULY loves our kids & me, now's the time for her to take advantage of the multitude of free resources she's been blessed w/ from being 100% medically-retired from the Navy. Thanks a lot for caring, I really appreciate your desire to help : )

If she doesn't get well it doesn't mean she doesn't love your or the kids. It just means she is unable to deal with her PTSD. Don't put conditions like that on her because it will only make you miserable when she is unable to live up to your expectations.

I am not saying your expectations are unreasonable or anything like that.

Some people do not heal and it is not a reflection of the people around them. It is just they way they are.

You need to be kind and gentle with yourself and not take it so personally that she is so stuck in her PTSD stuff.

As much as we don't want to face it we can't fix the people in our lives, and trust me as a recovering rescuer I have struggled long and hard with that and felt much survivor guilt about my siblings.