Russell-Luna
New Here
Hi I go by Luna. I was always a really happy person and up until I turned 29...
Shit hit the fan!
Within a few months since my birthday, memories have been coming to me. AWFUL memories.
I am fresh. In the midst of re-living the trauma, and I do not know what is the best way to heal, but I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT! So, like I said, Trigger warning. Ive gone through it all!
This is what haunts me:
ONE
When I was little about ages 5 to 10, I was molested by my 3 older cousins... almost weekly.
I liked it, and when I re-tell the stories, which sound like remembering sexy kinky fantasy to me, my friends have told me "Hey, you were molested" which I would reply to with "No way! I was having fun." However it set the tone of what was normal for the rest of my life, and lived in emotional pain and anxiety, obsessed with sex, addicted to say the least.
TWO
When I was about 11, I touched my brother inappropriately once. I perpetuated sexual abuse, and I feel like a monster. We never played again. But because he was younger than me, I feared to have molested him...Even though he was only a year younger.
THREE
When I was 18, I was given alcohol and coerced to huff poppers. I was raped that night by a man in his 40 or 50s and maybe there were more people there. I blacked out and when I came to, he was forcing himself inside me. I screamed and ran away. I always thought it was my fault. And the meaning of it was that I was bad at sex because I couldn't take it and please him. Thats what I took from that experience, but never interpreted it as "I got raped, and Im suffering for it STILL"
FOUR
Around 20 years old. Another older man forced a rock of meth in to my rectum. This huge rock of meth made me high for days. I had no idea what meth was, or that I was high. All I knew was that the world disappeared along with my cognitive function. I became an animal being stimulated and used sexually by strangers. For three days I did not sleep, eat, or drink any water. I was being f*cked and raped by random people in some weird dark hotel room. I thought I was going to die.
FIVE
Ages 23 to 28. I got in to a 5 year long abusive relationship with "the love of my life." Yeah right. He was my first boyfriend and was a narcissist, and I a caring emphatic loving soul. Among the few who would put up with him and forgive his faults. I did this for 5 years. I took care of him while he used me for narcissistic supply. Meaning, he fed from my suffering. He abused me verbally, physically - he even stabbed me once, and sexually. I never knew to call it abuse. I was a devoted victim. 5 YEARS!!! And im still dreaming of him and having sexual fantasies of him. I get off to thoughts of him, and then I feel dead... or want to die.
SIX
The time I was with my ex I also began escorting. Prostituting my body. For about 5 years. I cant even start to get into this. Lets just say I did a thousand things I didnt want to do with old men, and didnt say a thing... I just did my duty and got payed. Left their room and forgot about the whole thing. Each time...It's f*cked me up
SEVEN
Im now 29... and just when Im remembering the sexual abuse and rape, and re-framing relationships as abusive... in other words as im in the midst of acknowledging my, lets call it "victimhood." Something violating to my soul happens one more time. Last night, a man pointed a gun in between my eyes, and with the help of two more kicked me to the ground and stole my phone, wallet and school backpack.
WTF
WTF
WTF
whats happening in this world?
Im only 29 but I now look like im a hundred years old... my eyes have sagged to the floor from sadness and my energy... i walk as if i need a cane and the noise of cars and phones scare me... I cant stop flinching and getting random tremors. All I want is to leave Oakland and let the war between classes and races consume everyone. Where do happy people belong? Where is paradise? I will fight to find paradise till I die.
Shit hit the fan!
Within a few months since my birthday, memories have been coming to me. AWFUL memories.
I am fresh. In the midst of re-living the trauma, and I do not know what is the best way to heal, but I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT! So, like I said, Trigger warning. Ive gone through it all!
This is what haunts me:
ONE
When I was little about ages 5 to 10, I was molested by my 3 older cousins... almost weekly.
I liked it, and when I re-tell the stories, which sound like remembering sexy kinky fantasy to me, my friends have told me "Hey, you were molested" which I would reply to with "No way! I was having fun." However it set the tone of what was normal for the rest of my life, and lived in emotional pain and anxiety, obsessed with sex, addicted to say the least.
TWO
When I was about 11, I touched my brother inappropriately once. I perpetuated sexual abuse, and I feel like a monster. We never played again. But because he was younger than me, I feared to have molested him...Even though he was only a year younger.
THREE
When I was 18, I was given alcohol and coerced to huff poppers. I was raped that night by a man in his 40 or 50s and maybe there were more people there. I blacked out and when I came to, he was forcing himself inside me. I screamed and ran away. I always thought it was my fault. And the meaning of it was that I was bad at sex because I couldn't take it and please him. Thats what I took from that experience, but never interpreted it as "I got raped, and Im suffering for it STILL"
FOUR
Around 20 years old. Another older man forced a rock of meth in to my rectum. This huge rock of meth made me high for days. I had no idea what meth was, or that I was high. All I knew was that the world disappeared along with my cognitive function. I became an animal being stimulated and used sexually by strangers. For three days I did not sleep, eat, or drink any water. I was being f*cked and raped by random people in some weird dark hotel room. I thought I was going to die.
FIVE
Ages 23 to 28. I got in to a 5 year long abusive relationship with "the love of my life." Yeah right. He was my first boyfriend and was a narcissist, and I a caring emphatic loving soul. Among the few who would put up with him and forgive his faults. I did this for 5 years. I took care of him while he used me for narcissistic supply. Meaning, he fed from my suffering. He abused me verbally, physically - he even stabbed me once, and sexually. I never knew to call it abuse. I was a devoted victim. 5 YEARS!!! And im still dreaming of him and having sexual fantasies of him. I get off to thoughts of him, and then I feel dead... or want to die.
SIX
The time I was with my ex I also began escorting. Prostituting my body. For about 5 years. I cant even start to get into this. Lets just say I did a thousand things I didnt want to do with old men, and didnt say a thing... I just did my duty and got payed. Left their room and forgot about the whole thing. Each time...It's f*cked me up
SEVEN
Im now 29... and just when Im remembering the sexual abuse and rape, and re-framing relationships as abusive... in other words as im in the midst of acknowledging my, lets call it "victimhood." Something violating to my soul happens one more time. Last night, a man pointed a gun in between my eyes, and with the help of two more kicked me to the ground and stole my phone, wallet and school backpack.
WTF
WTF
WTF
whats happening in this world?
Im only 29 but I now look like im a hundred years old... my eyes have sagged to the floor from sadness and my energy... i walk as if i need a cane and the noise of cars and phones scare me... I cant stop flinching and getting random tremors. All I want is to leave Oakland and let the war between classes and races consume everyone. Where do happy people belong? Where is paradise? I will fight to find paradise till I die.
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