Relationship (please Help Me) I Tried Loving A Beautiful Ptsd

[inlovewithaptsdgirl]

I don't think I need to explain much since all of you guys know PTSD so well, but I just found out the person I was in love with has it and I have been trying to get help from a psychologist, books and friends to be able to deal with the details of this relationship. I need your thoughts on this, please, anything...

1. From the outside this girl is absolutely beautiful, the kind of woman that walks into a room and everyone talks about her, super personality, super smart and incredibly perfect body
2. From the inside she was highly abused verbally by her dad and school teachers as a kid and then suffered a divorce of her parents that led her to develop a highly strong PTSD that she gets treated to by her doctors
3. She is obsessive compulsive about many small things and has all the normal PTSD symptoms of lack of sleep, explosions, super highs and super lows, abandonment issues and more. Everything I read about here, she has.

I was set to marry this girl, have kids with her and start my life with her, then I started living with her and noticed she drank a lot. And by a lot I mean she would drink until she collapsed. Some nights she would scream at me and then not remember what she said in the morning. Same thing when we went out with friends. On a good night it meant we had tons of fun and crazy times and amazing sex, but on most nights it meant she would lose it on me. I left her because I was so scared. Then we tried again. And it happened again. And I left her again. And then she claimed she could not be loved and that she had abandonment issues and the cycle repeated itself like 8 times. Everytime she would drink like crazy and put me in a situation that would make it impossible to stay.

In the end I started reading about PTSD and understanding a little more about what was going on. I I absolutely completely have always loved her and I needed to find a way to make it work.

The last time I tried, we were getting back together and the day before she had taken sleeping pills during the day and was completely out of it. We would talk 10 minutes about something and then she would forget our conversation 20 minutes later. It was scary. Top that with more drinking. The next day I brought up the fact that I thought she had a drinking problem, that she was self-medicating her PTSD.

The outcome? She ended the relationship forever. She said she'll never be with me ever again. The funny thing is that we work together and she decided to not drink again at a company events. So she admitted her problem but sent our relationship to hell even though I made it clear that day that I wanted to stand by her since it was alcohol that was causing us to break apart. Now she is getting back at me by making it clear she is going to start other relationships and that I am not to control her life in any way whatesover.

Every single person I know has told me this is an impossible situation. That a PTSD person with an alcohol problem on top of that just cannot work out. I think I am convinced that is the case. That this girl can only be by herself. There's zero chance she will stop drinking altogether, and since PTSD doesn't go away I don't really see how this can work.

The problem I have is understanding that such an apparent absolutely beautiful person can be so broken inside.

I don't want to hear that it will all be fine, but I do want to hear the truth from you. Something to help me get out of this and stop hurting myself from trying to save something that just won't. It's not her fault she has PTSD. But neither it's mine.

 

[Cheshire]

The problem I have is understanding that such an apparent absolutely beautiful person can be so broken inside

Sadly, beauty - whether inside or outside - does not shield a person from the bad things in the world. This is reality, and it won't change for anyone.

I think it's admirable and wonderful that you love her and you've tried so hard with her, but as far as I can tell from what you've said, she's decided that a relationship at this stage isn't viable for her.

Now she is getting back at me by making it clear she is going to start other relationships and that I am not to control her life in any way whatesover.

Obviously I can't say this with any certainty, not knowing the situation like you do or like she does, but I don't really think that she's trying to get back at you in any conscious, vindictive way. It could be that she's deliberately trying to push you away by doing things you won't like, thus saving you - and her - the obvious heartache that the relationship causes you both. Or, especially regarding the second part, "not control her life in any way", she's trying to regain her own feelings of control, in her own way, without having anyone dictate to her how she should or shouldn't be living. I'm not saying her current way of living isn't destructive - it really is. But if she's been in a position where her father has taken away her feelings of self control, and then that lack of control over your own life that seems to come from the divorce of your parents, and the abandonment issues... it just seems to me like she's trying to get back the feeling of being in control of her own destiny, and trying to not feel like someone else is making the rules. I really don't think it's something she would deliberately be doing to "get back" at you.

So I guess what I mean is that if she's stopped drinking at work functions, that's great, but she needs to feel like she's doing it for her self, not for you, which is why she's saying she'll never be with you again. If she's doing that while she's with you, it'll feel like she's doing it for someone else, and that brings issues of potentially disappointing someone.. which leads to even scarier issues of if she fails, will you leave her?

I could be reading WAY too much into this, but.. this is where my thoughts led me on reading your post. I have no real advice for you.. I'm sorry for that. I wish I could help.

 

[amethist]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

None of this is your fault at all. Please except this reply as the honest truth, not a criticism of you or the girl you love.

Everyone who knows anything about PTSD understands, or should know, that un managed PTSD and un controlled drinking don't mix. Its like pouring petrol on a fire, its just going to burn more.

The only way she is going to put a stop to her drinking in excess is when she wants to, not when you or anyone else says she should.

If you took the PTSD out of all this, would you stay with her then, probably not.

I am a carer and saw my husband go from a proud man to an alcoholic in 4 months, drinking 24/7. he sought help and did detox and now only drinks when he gets his crazy head on, as he knows he cannot drink anymore. Last time was about 6 weeks ago, half an hour to drink about 3 pints 4 days to get over the effect.

My honest opinion, for your own sake and possibly your sanity too, walk away while you can. She is showing no signs of respect for you at the moment, what's to say this will change for the better further down the road.

No one on here will or should say anything about you walking away, you have tried and it keeps getting thrown back at you. Why keep putting yourself in the firing line, I know I wouldn't.

Put yourself on the outside looking into this, then tell yourself what you truthfully see. As if it were you looking at another couple going through exactly the same.

Take care of yourself now, you have not failed if you walk away.

Amethist

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't want to hear that it will all be fine, but I do want to hear the truth from you.

Believe me, in my experience, all is rarely fine, but it gets better. I will give you whichever of my truths I can offer.

Something to help me get out of this and stop hurting myself from trying to save something that just won't. It's not her fault she has PTSD. But neither it's mine.

It sounds like you are upset because you are in love with a girl who dumped you and want support from a PTSD website when you are blaming problems surrounding PTSD for your failed relationship, but you seem to want help getting out of your feelings for her? I am confused. You want to stop hurting yourself from trying to save something that won't be saved. Do you want to be told you've done all you can, so give up? I can tell you that the snap break-up is familiar to me and typical in my opinion. I used to either randomly ignore a boyfriend or talk to them extensively about how I felt trapped and felt compelled to end the relationship for no other reason than those feelings. Also, if I think that someone is likely to leave, I'll end it. I have never been rejected or broken up with simply because I have taken extreme measures to avoid those situations.

But it sounds like you feel obligated somehow, and I don't understand what is the matter. I want to help you, but I don't understand what it is you want helped. Do you want help feeling like it is not your responsibility? It is not your responsibility. That is a choice you make. If you are making the decision to continue to be supportive, than really, all the advice I can offer is to be open and see if she is just going through something that she will later be open to you supporting you through, that you want to support her through, or if she really doesn't want this relationship. Just because I tossed out those relationships doesn't mean I regret all of those decisions.

1. From the outside this girl is absolutely beautiful, the kind of woman that walks into a room and everyone talks about her, super personality, super smart and incredibly perfect body

You are setting up a binary here that makes me uncomfortable, between outward beauty and inward turmoil. I am often seen as more beautiful the more horrible I feel inside. I have starved myself through many periods of thick depression and received nothing but the highest aesthetic praise. I've read many texts that say anorexic women receive compliments sometimes even as they are about to be stuck with an IV for nutrients. Outer beauty often doesn't reflect what individuals are suffering, but this binary worries me because I am wondering if you are thinking that she is pretty outside but ugly inside? I over think a lot, though, so this feeling could be a byproduct of my over analyzing the sequence of ideas here.

The outcome? She ended the relationship forever. She said she'll never be with me ever again. ... Now she is getting back at me by making it clear she is going to start other relationships and that I am not to control her life in any way whatesover.

Proving that you can't control her may be important to her autonomy. I often do extreme things to prove that others can't influence me. I'm incredibly contrary. Last night my fiance gave me a considerably smaller bowl of strawberries and whipped cream than he had, so I went and filled it up excessively with whipped cream and strawberries, because I'm very defensive about other people deciding what is good and what is not for me. Even though I started to feel sick after eating just what he would have given me to begin with, I ate the whole bowl I had served myself because I was being stubborn and proving a point. Another example, even though I am generally a typical vegetarian, I insist that those around me not neglect to offer me meat options or not to automatically assume I will not be eating meat at any random moment, because the idea of being limited and that limit being assumed by others makes me insane. All this behavior surfaced after I had started breaking the control my abuser had over me. At the time, I was still living with my abuser, so all of my rebellion came in the form of petty things, but they were important for me in terms of beginning to define personal boundaries. I just think I need to stop being as defensive now that I am not in a position where I am constantly confronted by my abuser, who deserved that sort of petty stubbornness.

There's zero chance she will stop drinking altogether, and since PTSD doesn't go away I don't really see how this can work.

PTSD stays, but the problems it causes can be managed like any other disorder. So far as I know, people who are dyslexic are always dyslexic, but I tutor a lot of great writers whose dyslexia is never apparent in their literacy, even writing by hand on the spot. This is a journey. I do not suggest that you tell her that there is no chance she will stop drinking; this is disempowering, negative, superlative, spells self-fulfilling prophecy, is another way of assuming control or authority over her actions (you know what she is and is not capable of), and this kind of attitude will be harmful to her healing. You can think whatever you want about her issues, but please never voice such pessimistic hyperbole to someone who has potential like everybody else to change.

The problem I have is understanding that such an apparently absolutely beautiful person can be so broken inside.

Though I have sometimes clung to this word, the idea of brokenness has ultimately been incredibly unhelpful to me. It makes me feel irreparably defective. I think it is a narrow view to take on a complicated and workable problem (PTSD). Also, again the comparison to beauty and inner tumult. Why is this binary significant? You say earlier that she is smart, sociable. What about these qualities? Where do they fit? Is that just part of external appeal for you, or don't you see these as qualities that can be praised, nurtured, and referred to for encouragement rather than saying, "She's so pretty but so f*cked up."

In the end, I still don't get what kind of support you have come here for. This is a site filled with people committed to healing, yet you seem to reiterate that this is impossible for the woman you love, and your preoccupation seems to be with this lack of potential rather than in the interest of fostering the potential for growth.

 

[inlovewithaptsdgirl]

Wow, that was a lot of feedback. Thank you so much. I read all your posts about three times. I don't mean to imply that it is impossible to be with someone with PTSD, but that it is impossibly hard. Meaning that this girl wants love, but she also wants complete and utter independence. She has a massive problem that requires love and attention and the support of a loved one, but she doesn't want anyone to get too close.

For someone without PTSD it is ming boggling, it feels like a game. Now when I go out with non-PTSD people I realize just how scared I was of saying or doing things that might trigger an attack. It could have been opening a door or bringing a glass of water when I wasn't asked to.

I am not coming here to be let go of the guilt. I have done my best, I've bought PTSD books, I've spent hours and weekends reading everything about it, and even gone to see a psychologist to find out how to deal with this relationship. I haven't just 'quit' because it is hard.

I just have to work with this girl from now on, someone I love, someone whom has something that appears to be unfixable, unsolvable, and controllable only by her and it is very hard to accept. Usually when your loved one is suffering you support them and here it seems that support is letting this person go. So essentially I have to let the woman I love go in more destructive relationships and in big alcoholic bings. It just hurts.

 

[Kintsugi]

Now when I go out with non-PTSD people I realize just how scared I was of saying or doing things that might trigger an attack. It could have been opening a door or bringing a glass of water when I wasn't asked to.

This is pretty extreme behavior for anybody. I think that half of the problem with this disorder is that, at least for me, boundaries in any context and in any direction are often just hard for me to establish. Sometimes I let people walk all over me because I feel like that's what I need to do to be around them, even if they probably don't want that. Sometimes when I know somebody will let me walk all over them and not leave me, I do everything possible to be difficult. It's very impulsive. I concentrate really hard on not doing either of these, but I often fail, sometimes just circumstantially, sometimes throughout the entire relationship until it ends. It sounds like she was being very unreasonable. Maybe this is not the time for a relationship for her, and that's a good thing?

I am not coming here to be let go of the guilt. I have done my best, I've bought PTSD books, I've spent hours and weekends reading everything about it, and even gone to see a psychologist to find out how to deal with this relationship.

Your efforts are admirable (you should coach my BF), but it will certainly take the both of you to heal, and you can't make her want that. I know you know that. I'm sorry to say it's the truth. She needs to take the same steps if she wants to improve. You can only help her from there.

I have to let the woman I love go in more destructive relationships and in big alcoholic bings. It just hurts.

You can support her by being positive, non-intrusive, and open, as well as by modeling appropriate boundaries--all in my own opinion. If she wants to be distant, she's going to be distant, and there's nothing you can do to change that or her other behaviors. What I have found helpful from the people who surround me is observing their healthy self-development and seeing the contrast between people who are self-loving and balanced and my own mess of a self. Sometimes I am spoiled by the people who care about me, and I abuse this by becoming unreasonable, losing sight of appropriateness. I get jarred back to reality and reason when I meet someone who is incredibly grounded themselves; it's a reality check for me.

I'm sorry if none of that is really all that helpful, and that you are suffering through her suffering, but amethist is right about her having to decide to take these steps on her own.

 

[inlovewithaptsdgirl]

You are very right about all these points. It's just extremely hard to be with someone who pushes away as much as they pull you. It takes a certain thick skin. I am very warm and open and impulsive, the complete opposite of what a PTSD person wants. When a problem arises I want to talk it to death and solve it right then, I want things to be rational. I really take my hat off to PTSD carers...having spent 7 months trying to become one, I really admire what they have to go through and how they put their love in front of their own needs.

 

[Cheshire]

I am very warm and open and impulsive, the complete opposite of what a PTSD person wants. When a problem arises I want to talk it to death and solve it right then, I want things to be rational.

Huge generalisations there. I suffer from PTSD and I want those things too - to talk things out thoroughly, immediately, and solve it right away. I hate things hanging over my head.

I think one of the first things you need to do is realise, despite the fact that you've done extensive reading etc, is that not every person with PTSD is the same. PTSD does not take over a person's personality or character completely. They're still in there and their other attributes aren't completely overshadowed by PTSD, no matter whether or not it seems that way. You seem to have your lady in two boxes - one, being that she's "beautiful", the other that she's "PTSD". Neither of those are mutually exclusive, they don't cause a separation between one another, they're both aspects of the same person, as a whole.

I don't know.. I'm sorry if my posts come across as.. well, anything bad, really. I'm just trying to see things from your point of view and hopefully offer different points of view on how she might be seeing things, or how it's not all as black and white as you seem to think it is.

 

[Amy Jo]

Sadly, beauty - whether inside or outside - does not shield a person from the bad things in the world. This is reality, and it won't change for anyone.

I think it's admirable and wonderful that you love her and you've tried so hard with her, but as far as I can tell from what you've said, she's decided that a relationship at this stage isn't viable for her.
I totally agree


Obviously I can't say this with any certainty, not knowing the situation like you do or like she does, but I don't really think that she's trying to get back at you in any conscious, vindictive way. It could be that she's deliberately trying to push you away by doing things you won't like, thus saving you - and her - the obvious heartache that the relationship causes you both. Or, especially regarding the second part, "not control her life in any way", she's trying to regain her own feelings of control, in her own way, without having anyone dictate to her how she should or shouldn't be living. I'm not saying her current way of living isn't destructive - it really is. But if she's been in a position where her father has taken away her feelings of self control, and then that lack of control over your own life that seems to come from the divorce of your parents, and the abandonment issues... it just seems to me like she's trying to get back the feeling of being in control of her own destiny, and trying to not feel like someone else is making the rules. I really don't think it's something she would deliberately be doing to "get back" at you.

So I guess what I mean is that if she's stopped drinking at work functions, that's great, but she needs to feel like she's doing it for her self, not for you, which is why she's saying she'll never be with you again. If she's doing that while she's with you, it'll feel like she's doing it for someone else, and that brings issues of potentially disappointing someone.. which leads to even scarier issues of if she fails, will you leave her?

I could be reading WAY too much into this, but.. this is where my thoughts led me on reading your post. I have no real advice for you.. I'm sorry for that. I wish I could help.

 

[Kintsugi]

Huge generalisations there. I suffer from PTSD and I want those things too - to talk things out thoroughly, immediately, and solve it right away. I hate things hanging over my head.

I'm with Cheshire. I want to talk the crap outta things.

You seem to have your lady in two boxes - one, being that she's "beautiful", the other that she's "PTSD". Neither of those are mutually exclusive, they don't cause a separation between one another, they're both aspects of the same person, as a whole.

Cheshire hit the nail on the head here in expressing much more accurately the binary I think I was seeing.

And there's definitely nothing in my experience that is intrinsically a bad personality type when paired with someone who has PTSD. Just lots of individuals.