Sufferer Please Help Me - Riding Accident

[pyrrhic]

I am reaching the end of my tether.

I had a horse riding accident in 2008 when I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter. I was an accomplished rider and got on a friend's horse as a favour. The horse, for seemingly no reason, launched itself up into the air and flipped itself over and on top of me. As the horse got up it double barrelled me with both back legs.

I know I was extremely lucky in that my unborn daughter was fine and is now a healthy bouncing toddler. I however, was not fine. I broke my back (and heard it break) and paralysed myself from the waist down. I also had spinal compression, internal bleeding and bruising to my liver and kidneys. Still, I am lucky to be alive.

I spent awhile in hospital and gradually feeling came back into my legs. The doctors told me I had spinal shock. Apparently my body had shut down in order to heal itself so I wouldn't do more damage. I was in agony, everyday and I couldn't even lift my arms up. I had to have nurses bathe me, brush my hair, brush my teeth. Everyday I was vomiting from the pain and the amount of morphine I was on, having to be rolled onto my side to stop myself choking on my own vomit.

I cannot adequately describe how much pain I was in, but luckily I slowly got better.

I know have full use of my legs again and the only physical evidence I have is low grade back pain on a daily basis. Mentally though I haven't got off so lightly.

Horses are my passion and I soon found I had developed a phobia of them. Even seeing one was enough to send me into a panic attack and I worked with a confidence coach to help me get over as much as I could.

I have now moved to the States and I am ending things so much worse. I guess the big upheaval of a move has brought everything to the surface.

This is how I'm feeling...

• I am struggling to sleep and am lucky to get a few hours a night.
• I have had about one panic attack a week in the last month
• I typed a thread up on an equestrian forum about my confidence issues and afterwards needed to go out to the store. I drove the wrong way down the road, left my back door and garage door open, forgot my purse and got lost on the way home (you can see my house from the store)
• I've been having horrendous Night Terrors since the accident but not about the accident.
• I can't stop thinking about the accident and at the same time I am so angry at myself.
• I feel like I'm on high alert all the time and something bad is going to happen to me. I sleep with knife nearby and have my doors locked at all times during the day.

I am at the point now where I feel like I am going insane and I just want it all to stop. I cannot cope with this level of anxiety and stress everyday.

I am desperate to ride again (strange as that may sound) because horses are my passion and I am so angry with myself that I can't 'get over it.'

Please help me. I can't do this anymore. I haven't been to a doctor. I'm in the military(reserves), as is my husband and I don't want to waste anyones time when the doctors here have soldiers coming back from the Middle East with PTSD. Does this even sound like PTSD?

 

[anni]

Hi Pyrrhic,

I should first say that it all sounds incredibly horrific for you, I'm so sorry. I think Christopher Reeves accident really did highlight for the world that riding can be something which can truly have some major consequences. They're such big animals with such teeny brains, and animals, bottom line. SO much bigger and stronger than us, with only those 2 bits of leather between us and distaster if one of them is really unsafe or someone is unevenly matched with their horse.

It really is impossible to diagnose PTSD on-line, or even say to someone in answer to your question 'Could this be PTSD?' There's an article here saying pretty much that which might be helpful, as well as a really comprehensive 'library' of articles on PTSD. These are incredibly helpful with facts etc. but only a professional can correctly diagnose someone really.

You do sound as if you have huge stress and a major trauma, of course. If you can, it would be the best, kindest thing you can do for yourself to find a good therapist who can diagnose you properly with whatever it is that is so debilitating for you. It really is an awful way to have to live. Your primary care doc might have some suggestions as to who would be good, or word of mouth if you have some friends in your area. Once you have a diagnosis the T can help you plan a healing path. Just having that will make things a little brighter one day at a time, to be sure!

Take care,

Anni

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Eleanor]

Hello Pyrrhic, As one horse person to another (who also had a terrible wreck, tho not as bad as yours by any stretch) I am all sympathy about not being able to ride. I still can't canter without tensing up (ten years...)
I agree with anni - you need to find a trauma therapist. Whether it is PTSD or not - you need some help with this - having a toddler is enough stress without all the other on top. If your area has a trauma team that works with survivors of disaster that is usually a good place to find somebody who knows what they are doing. Welcome to the forum, read all the stuff - it is incredibly useful. You might also (for fun too) read Mark Rashid's book "Whole Heart, Whole Horse" which has some very nice stuff on human and horse trauma too.

Wishing you peace and healing.

 

[KP the nut]

Hello Pyrrhic, welcome to the forum.

What a horrific experience to have to go through? As has been said above, we can't diagnose online. I do recommend you seeing a doctor for an accurate diagnosis. I hear what you say about returning soldiers, however IMHO your trauma (PTSD?) has just as much right to be treated.

Traumas here are all so different, but it is the symptoms which affect us which make the forum work, again IMHO.

I wish you well and if you can, please keep us informed.

Wishing you healing and peace
KP

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Pyrrhic- welcome to the forum. I hope you find healing, comfort and peace.

 

[pyrrhic]

Thank you so much for the posts, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply to me.

I took the plunge and phoned a therapist who specialises in trauma and anxiety. I found it really difficult to talk to someone 'in real life' on the phone about the accident and was crying by the end of the call. I scheduled to see him on Thursday. I am now feeling very anxious and my chest is feeling tight so I'm desperately trying to stay busy to stop myself having a panic attack.

I feel psychically sick at the thought of having to go to this appointment, not only because I will have to talk about things with him but even what should be simple things like getting in the car and driving to his office, finding the right place, speaking to the receptionist, etc.

I am desperate to get better as this is just taking over my life now. I just want to be 'normal' and be able to do normal things without the anxiety and panic.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Pyrrhic))), just take it one day at a time, or even hour by hour or minute by minute. It is a big step you are taking and it is natural to be scared, apprehensive and anxious.

If you have difficulty with your words, why not try writing it down or even showing him what you wrote in your introduction.

I will be thinking of you
KP

 

[Eleanor]

Hi pyrrhic - well done calling the therapist and setting up an appointment! A good quarter of the battle is won - although I'm sure it doesn't feel like this. Small reality check - therapists don't usually get into really rough stuff the first session or even the second. You need to get to know him a bit first I suspect.

KP is exactly right - take it one minute at a time if you need to. Just get yourself into the present moment and notice what is wrong/needs doing Right Now. Breathe. I think bringing your post is a brilliant idea too.

I read your post and thought about my friend Pam, who came late to horses, and had this very lovely and sweet fat arabian mare (a little thing, just barely not a pony). Anyway Pam was taking lessons with the resident trainer Jerry - and she was SCARED. Scared of ... well everything. So Jerry was trying to help her get onto the horse, and one day he just asked her what she was scared of, and she just POURED out this whole big thing about going too fast and falling off and I don't know what all else (this from someone who had never ridden before, mind you) and he just Laughed Out Loud. She looked shocked, and said "what are you laughing at?" and he said, "I'm sorry, but it is just so funny, you are all preoccupied with falling off the horse, and you are not even ON the horse yet!" And after a moment SHE burst out laughing at the absurdity of it :roflmao: It still took her a bit to get on the horse, but it did seem to take the edge off. :O_o: This is probably not good theraputic technique.

Not sure the above story has anything much to do with your situation - but it was pretty funny!

Hang in there - you can do this!

 

[Ron]

Nice to meet you, and yes, it sounds like you need to see a doctor who can refer you to a pychiatrist who can shed light on your symptoms. And it doesn't sound odd at at all to me what you are experiencing. You endured a traumatic event where you and your unborn baby could have easily been killed.