Please help me understand

[Suzetig]

I had a legitimate reason for attempting to contact her at the time

I know in your mind they were legitimate, but they weren't. You found ways to insert yourself into her life and kept on going.

Her lack of boundaries doesn't excuse yours, doesn't justify your behaviour or make it ok. She got things very wrong and will hopefully learn from that but you really need to let it rest.

It may be worth considering whether challenging the no contact order is just another way of reminding her of your existence, trying to make some kind of "legitimate" contact - because she will be told you're challenging it. I'm not saying it's a conscious thought on your part but it's something to consider. Let it go, leave her be and get on with your own healing.

 

[shimmerz]

if my actions were consistent with the tone she set and her own actions and I had a legitimate reason for attempting to contact her at the time

No. If she didn't actually invite you to her house then you had no reason to be there. Period. That is absolutely a breach of boundaries.

You may be following the rules now, but you were not then. Owning your role in that part of the dysfunction is what will allow you to move forward with your healing.

 

[Ariadne]

just to follow up....I discussed the issue with my new T and she agrees with me; I was not stalking nor harassing.

But thanks anyway. Turning over my feelings on the matter to the new t has helped me immensely to let go and start moving on.