Polyamory drama

[abbynormal1929]

HI everyone,

It's been a little while. I can't really remember where I left off the last time I posted. My wife is in love with a woman, though I guess her gender isn't that relevant to this post. She's said she wants to be polyamorus with this woman. I've gone along cause she says she still wants to have a relationship with me, and I have the freedom to meet other people too. Her girlfriend visited from Australia for most of the month of January. Now she's gone back to Australia for now. My wife still is on facetime with her constantly. She never talks to me. She said that she feels distant from me, that she got frustrated cause I wasn't doing enough around the house and didn't really push it till now. To be fair sometimes it's tough to get going with my depression and all. Never the less I've been doing as many chores as I could ever since she said that. This morning I just suggested that we have some time to talk with out her girlfriend being on facetime, just for an hour or so on days we both have off, and she hesitated. Made me feel like she didn't even want to be away from her girlfriend for even an hour to be with me. She has someone to talk to for emotional support now, and I don't. SHe started saying the same thing about chores, and other things, I just tried to point out that I've really been quiet, and just been lonely, and she's barely said anything since. She has all these plans for us to move to Australia part time, and here part time in the future. I start to think if she really just wants a relationship with her girlfriend, and just wants me involved so I won't stop her from moving to Australia with our kids. Or just wants me around to help with things. Meanwhile forming romantic relationships with others is kind of a tough sell if your married, and not even physically separated. I just feel like I'm on hold waiting to see if she really wants to try and fix us, because even though I've been doing everything I can to make her feel better she hasn't given me any kind of indication to me that we're making progress, and she seemed hesitant to even want to talk more. She's been abused by her x and her dad, I want her to be happy, I don't even really have a problem with her having a girlfriend, I'll admit that I haven't been the best with house work and I'm trying to change that. I jsut want some kind of sign that we're starting to move forward, and I want someone to talk to...

I feel lonely,

Jeff/Abby

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I totally suck at relationships so I have no advice to offer, but I hear you. It sounds like a bad position to be in.

 

[Mytime]

Sorry to hear your going through a hard time. You say your ok with your wife having a girlfriend, but also stating your needs aren’t being meet. A relationship is 50/50 and if your needs aren’t being meet there is something wrong in the relationship. Maybe it’s time to take a step back and really look at it. Relationship are hard to begin with, but adding someone else into a relationship that’s not really working isn’t going to fix anything.

 

[somerandomguy]

I wasn't doing enough around the house

Really? You work full time. And if I recall correctly she doesn't work at all. I wonder if she's just telling you that you're not pulling your weight in order to control you. You might want to think on that.

The polyamory bullshit is exactly what my abusive partner pulled with me, too - she decided she was polyamorous and that she was going to have another partner aside from me whether I liked it or not.

I didn't like it, and after a lot of emotional fallout she left me for the other guy. It was actually the best case scenario for me, although it took me years to figure that out.

I hope this turns into the best case scenario for you, too. Bottom line is polyamory is unacceptable unless all parties agree to it. And it sure doesn't sound like you've actively agreed to it.

 

[abbynormal1929]

I agreed, but I don't really think it would have stopped her if I didn't. I would have felt like the person keeping her from being happy. To address the work issue, she does work as much as I do. She told me it's been bothering her for years, only she didn't want to cause conflict by pushing it too much. She says it the relationship isn't equal because she was so resentful about me not doing enough around the house that she doesn't feel connected and close with me anymore, and she wants to start over with me and work up to that level of affection we used to have, and that she has with her girlfriend now. I'm exhausted, and I'm not even allowed to be hurt that she's affectionate with someone else right in front of me. I'm never allowed to be hurt or angry cause it makes others uncomfortable or hurt. I'm so tired and my mind is going down a bad road right now. I also feel a little ganged up on. The girlfriend is a professional nanny, and she's been picking apart the parrenting she saw in all of two days, and now it's 2 against one on parrenting stuff. 2 because my wife always takes the girlfriends side on things now. Sry. Tired and rambling.

Jeff/abby

 

[Freida]

I guess I'm not understanding the poly thing because what you are describing was called cheating on your spouse in the old days. She gets the best of both worlds. New flame to have a relationship with - while current spouse does the chores and keeps the household going.

What kind of life is that for you? I'm not judging - I truly don't understand the concept of your spouse having a life with someone else and you being ok with it.

agreed, but I don't really think it would have stopped her if I didn't. I would have felt like the person keeping her from being hap

So.....you agreed to your wife having an affair because if you didn't agree she would have done it anyway. Really? And you think of that as agreeing? Cause it sounds to me like you didn't have a choice.

 

[somerandomguy]

Why does she get to be the only one to be happy?

 

[Ronin]

You know what makes polyamory a thing? Right in the name: Multiple people feel *loved* and respected.

What she is doing to you is not that.

But abusing you and your wee ones. Still.

You are not a failure parent, never was, never will be, this new chick isn't a better parent for her nannying experience, she will never be a parent to your kids, and your wife needs to stop the disgusting way she is uprooting your life and messing with your head.

None of that is your fault.
Or yours to fix. Hers.

From a poly & multi non-cishet identities guy.

 

[Mytime]

Hi @abbynormal1929 , I’ve read some of your other post so I hope I’m up to date. I’m a supporter and hope I’m not over stepping. I’ve read some of your story and it breaks my heart to see you living in an emotionally, mentally abusive relationship. Your wife is sucking your energy, she’s doing everything she can to keep you in your depression. I have been in counselling for many years and also marriage counselling. From what I understand your in therapy right now, yes? I’m going to guess your therapist has told you, your in a abusive relationship and has probably tried to give you skills and advice on how damaging this relationship is for you. If I’m wrong and your not seeing a therapist, then I’m going to tell you, “ you are living in a emotionally abusive relationship. Your wife is manipulating you to be submissive to her and her needs.

Bottom line is polyamory is unacceptable unless all parties agree to it.

This^^^ a polyamorus relationship is about EVERYONE agreeing. It’s open and honest, no one has all the power, there’s no manipulating, EVERYONE’S needs are meet. You don’t have any of that in your relationship, correct?

I would have felt like the person keeping her from being happy.

Your wife is an adult, she’s in control of her happiness. If she wants to be happy in her marriage, she needs to work on her marriage.
She is not doing that. Your an adult, your in control of your happiness, which if your being 100% honest with yourself, your not doing what you need to do to be happy.

She says it the relationship isn't equal because she was so resentful about me not doing enough around the house that she doesn't feel connected and close with me anymore,

This isn’t how a healthy relationship works, if she didn’t communicate her frustration about the house and she became resentful. That’s on her, because SHE didn’t communicate about her needs. Your not a mind reader. So her being resentful is on her.

she wants to start over with me and work up to that level of affection we used to have, and that she has with her girlfriend now.

From what you have written, I don’t see her working on anything that has to do with you.
What I do see is someone sucking the energy from you and also sucking the energy, you get from the beginning of a new relationship.

I'm exhausted, and I'm not even allowed to be hurt that she's affectionate with someone else right in front of me. I'm never allowed to be hurt or angry cause it makes others uncomfortable or hurt.

Yes you are allowed to be hurt and angry. As long as you are expressing your feelings in a healthy way. If people are uncomfortable because you express your feelings, that’s on them to work out.

The girlfriend is a professional nanny, and she's been picking apart the parrenting

now it's 2 against one on parrenting stuff. 2 because my wife always takes the girlfriends side on things now.

Doesn’t matter if she’s a professional nanny, she’s not the parent of your children. You and your wife are. I’m pretty sure the professional nanny would not tell her bosses they are parenting wrong, right? she has no right to say anything to you.
Two against one isn’t a healthy poly relationship, and the gf has no place in the parenting to begin with.

I understand your tired and depressed. When the self starts to wake up and see it’s in an abusive relationship, depression comes with it, because you are grieving the loss of a relationship. The truth is, you do have the strength, to do what’s best for you and your son.
I truly hope you put your energy towards making yourself happy, and moving forward for you and your son happiness. This polyamory your in will not work, there are components that need to be in place.

Components:

1. Relationship needs to be
Solid and stable. = NOPE

2. Rules set by both parties. =. NOPE

3. Honesty, respect, boundaries.= NOPE

4. Great communication.= Nope

5. coerce, or manipulation = Yep, from wife

6. Everyone’s needs are meant= NOPE, just the
Wife’s and gf
7. Security =. Yep, just for your wife

8. Power=. Yep, just for your wife

9. Emotional support.=. Yep, just for your wife

Doesn’t look very good for you? Relationships are stressful, they add to your stress cup. Your adding another person to your relationship, which adds to your stress cup. It’s time for you to focus on your happiness. Because your wife is 100% looking after hers.

5. coerce, or manipulation = Yep, from wife

**** Sorry it should be , “ there’s no coerce or manipulation.

 

[abbynormal1929]

My therapist doesn't really know what to do with me. I'm looking for another who has a little more experience in LGBT counseling. My wife's same sex relationship aside I'm also gender non-binary. I appreciate everyone's support. I'll have to read MyTime's post more in depth tomorrow. I have a degree in counseling. Never been able to work in the field yes cause of self esteem issues. Specialization in music therapy...

 

[Ronin]

Have you tried this site for the help with the search?

Saved the page a while back as looked they might have contacts, nationwide.

 

[Butterfly64]

Really? You work full time. And if I recall correctly she doesn't work at all. I wonder if she's just telling you that you're not pulling your weight in order to control you. You might want to think on that.

The polyamory bullshit is exactly what my abusive partner pulled with me, too - she decided she was polyamorous and that she was going to have another partner aside from me whether I liked it or not.

I didn't like it, and after a lot of emotional fallout she left me for the other guy. It was actually the best case scenario for me, although it took me years to figure that out.

I hope this turns into the best case scenario for you, too. Bottom line is polyamory is unacceptable unless all parties agree to it. And it sure doesn't sound like you've actively agreed to it.

I could never share my man with another woman OR man....I totally understand why you didn’t like it