Posers And Apologists

[Justmehere]

I'm guessing my reply on one of Bill's threads where I wrote "I'm sorry..." in reply to his post where he said he was venting is part of what prompted this thread. Am I right Bill?

It's ok with me that you don't want that "Hallmark card" kind of greeting. I am glad you are speaking your mind, processing through what you want and don't want, making it be known - and I hope you continue express your druthers, your preferences, more directly when posting here and also with your mother too.

I'm guessing it's hard, even stressful for you to say no to things you don't want and to sort of take charge of your own life, maybe out of not wanting to hurt anyone? Maybe I'm totally off?

Either way, I'm glad you posted this thread. Now I know that you don't want that kind of support - and that is good to know! Others, like me, sometimes appreciate that kind of support in addition to being challenged and etc. While I won't be offering that kind of support to you and others who direcfly and clearly state they don't want it (I am not going to mind read either), I will continue to offer it to others still. They can state they want it or not - and they can take it or leave it too.

I see it as a matter of owning what we want and don't want - and being ok with the fact that it can be very different than what others want - and that is very ok. It's a process to learn how to have the internal and external boundaries to own what we want and don't want, and be ok with expressing and owning what is ours, and not owning what isn't ours... I don't know how to explain what I mean very well.... Bill, I'm glad you are finally saying no, in a way, to something you don't want, and beginning to own what it is you do want!

And if this feels like another Hallmark card type of response to you - well, then you can just leav it and take in the responses that are more helpful to you.

 

[anthony]

So in other words... looking after your elderly mother who is sucking all your monies away for your future, as you help her with her end in life, is basically frustrating the shit out of you and you need solutions? The problem though, if the case, is that monetary solutions are not simple. Like you said Bill... anyone got a spare $100k.

No, it isn't selfish to think of yourself, because as I just expressed, you're caring for her at the end of her life, her money runs out, and you're using your money, and like you say, caring for her end will break your future, basically, putting you in the back of your pickup to live. I guess this is why some people endup resorting to placing parents in elderly care public facilities and such... there is only so much you can do.

I see this as no different from helping a depressed person, in that you have to do so without compromising your own life. You must implement a balance, otherwise you endup here, extremely frustrated, angry possibly, about your future going down the toilet, caring for your mothers end.

 

[anthony]

Society changes... I think is also the answer to your question. People evolve with age and experience, and society ages and gains experience with each generation. So maybe the responses merely reflect those changes, and maybe are a little hard for you to interpret and read as such, due to all your current pent up frustration?

I would be frustrated if I was watching my future go down the toilet due to caring for an elderly parent. Me personally, if I couldn't do it in a balanced approach, my parent would be in a public elderly care facility / retirement home.

 

[Lucycat]

I can tell you now, I will not be looking after elderly parents. They have their own savings to take them into care homes if they need it. Once that is run out the state will pay. I will not and can not have them here. It would finish me and I would be institutionalized - so pretty unhelpful really.

 

[Notsowild]

I loved the thread "Scared to post" by @Go Hungry. Many of us are scared to post for fear of saying the wrong things. I would think this would be a place where people understand we have PTSD too and are not always that clear headed. Makes me not want to post!

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Justmehere your assuming ...don't

Some of the responses were not even to me. I was beginning to suspect someone had set up automated responses.

I can understand some people's need to say they are sorry. Like FridayJones said about sympathy it makes my teeth itch.

It's like giving me aspirin for the pain in a phantom limb.

 

[anthony]

The opening for something to be done is growing smaller all the time.

Please explain?

 

[scout86]

You must be a young person (I could be wrong) who doesn't have to take care of their parent. I am stuck there by choice.

I don't think you have ever tried to deal with an 83 year old stuck in their ways. Ever tried to push a truck that is stuck in the mud up to both axles.

I guess it depends on your definition of "young". I'm old enough that I kind of like the idea of being "young".

My mother is older than yours and never really seemed to think I was much of a contribution to the species. As a result, I don't have to deal with her much. She doesn't think I've got much to offer. I moved out of the house first chance I got and we've each lived out own lives ever since. And, honestly, that's probably a bit of a blind spot, when I try to put myself in your place. I can't imagine being "stuck". Oh, I remember feeling trapped all right. I got out of those traps and I've been avoiding them ever since. That's what you do when you're stuck, in my reality, you get unstuck.If you're "stuck there by choice" you're not stuck, it's a choice. If it's not working, make a different choice. That's why it's called "a choice".

A truck that's stuck in the mud up to both axles? What's that got to do with anything? I'm actually pretty good at avoiding those kinds of situations. Again, it's about choices. Chose a different route. Chose a different driving technique. If all else fails, chose to go find someone with a tractor big enough to pull you out.

 

[shell]

If it is building up so much resentment in you, it would most likely be kinder to place her in a facility where you can visit and be more of the son you would like to be, rather than bitter and angry that the situation is sucking the life out of you, and what you perceive to be any possiblilities for your future.

I am not really sure what sort of aged care facilities are available where you are, but the sad reality is there is a reason they have aged care facilities, because they are necessary. It doesn't mean you don't care about her, it just means caring for her in a different way.

A friend at work placed her dying mother in a public aged care facility and her mother loved it, she was there with people that had similar interests, had a lot more interaction with others, whereas she had been living like a hermit for years. Aged care facilities are not all bad. Her mother had so many friends and relatives that went to see her in the aged care home, that she had lost contact with.

My husband had the same experience with his own mother dying from dementia, and many of her old friends visited her there, whereas at home she had stopped seeing people. She joined in the activities and had much more opportunities not available to her while being cared at home.

It was a positive experience for everyone concerned, and meant they could relate to their parents with more caring and compassion, because they weren't so drained by nursing a sick parent.

I can understand you are angry, but rather than focusing on what you can't do, try focusing on what you can do, and maybe you will find a solution to your problem.

 

[Tanishq]

Hello Bill,

I think people do have trouble speaking up. Why? They are abused in a different way, shut up by people many times. So obviously they will feel little more difficult when they are given full freedom to speak on this site. Just in this thread, you are seeing replies, they all vary, don't they? They are trying to respond you.

I remember when I came here, when I was receiving kindness here. I would check it many times, is this real kindness? Really? I am receiving kindness? I took my time.

Some people have trouble creating threads. Some people have trouble replying to them. I have trouble creating threads, even in real life I can't verbalize my issue properly. I am learning.

For new members, I would say they are taking their time to get adjusted.

So here people are learning again. I listen your frustration. Take your time to find the right direction. I think this might help you: First listen and then seek to be understood.

 

[joeylittle]

I dunno. I generally write like a book, because I think like that. I like facts, and I think it's very practical to be able to understand and talk about the disorder using the same words the doctors do - no matter if it's a broken leg or PTSD.

But that doesn't make me a poser. Its just the way I choose to relate to my symptoms.

I prefer hearing "that's tough", instead of "I'm sorry". I think people mostly want validation when they are writing about how shitty things are, not pity. But for whatever reason "I'm sorry" is some kind of default response. Hearing "I'm sorry" makes me uncomfortable because I then think I'm responsible for having caused someone else to feel sad, or apologetic, over something that has nothing to do with them.

 

[Ed Norton]

I think that you're difficulties are beyond the scope of this message board.