I’m new here and I don’t even know if I’m posting in the right section but I had a few questions that I hoped you could help me with. I’m sorry if this is a long post…
My girlfriend and I had been dating for a little under a year when, without warning she broke it off and shut down on me and shut me out completely. She won’t accept any of my calls or texts. I am wondering, based on what she’s told me, that she has PTSD. I don’t know whether she does or not but I know that she has been treated for severe anxiety disorder before we met. Let me give some background information on our relationship and on her.
Before we agreed to start dating we had a period of truth where all of our history was out in the open so that we could make an informed decision on whether dating would work. During this period of time she told me that she was in an abusive marriage for a number of years that a close female friend of hers helped her get out of. That was 7 years ago. She developed an attachment to her female friend and they ended up in a relationship which I understand is common for people that have been abused. 5 years ago this year her former partner developed a debilitating illness. My now ex was the healthcare proxy for her partner and had to fight for every bit of treatment that her partner received. She lost her partner November of 2008 and, as healthcare proxy to her, had to make the decision to turn off life support.
Now about our relationship…We enjoyed each other’s company to the point where we were inseparable almost with the exception of the nights she had her kids. That started to change a few months into it when we both realized what we had in each other and decided to merge our lives together a little at a time. She would send me songs that reminded me of her and to quote her (she said this to a friend of mine) “he treats me like gold. Like me he is genuine and honest and it really is easy to make him happy. I’m very happy too”. That was around early August last year. I found out that her former partner’s birthday was August 19th and from that point on her demeanor changed a little. It is still really hard for her and I know she misses her partner more than anything but she started taking things in smaller chunks whereas before we were making plans. She kept saying things like “I just want to be this happy on my birthday” which was a little over a month away. She talked about her partner and I listened but around mid October (after her birthday) she went cold on me completely and tried to turn her back on me despite telling me that what she felt for me was close to what she felt for her partner. We talked and managed to make it through. We even made it through the date that her partner died, November 19th, and I could see how hard it was for her because she was having visual anxiety attacks. Anyway…she told me more and more times that she wants to give all of herself but can’t and it’s killing her as to why. She even sang Christine Perri’s “Arms” to me; you’ll have to read the lyrics if you don’t know that song and yes I’m a sap!!
That was the first time that I had ever seen her naked, without any walls and completely vulnerable!!
We got through Christmas without any issues, we went bowling with 30 members of her family on new years eve (first time I'd met any of them) and we had a lot of fun. We went to see Jeff Dunham together on Jan 15th and on Jan 29th (the day after my sons birthday) she came by with her kids to give him his gift. Up until this point there was no indication that there was a problem at all other than the fact that she was a little quieter than usual but I thought that was down to the fact that she had a lot of paperwork to complete for school (she’s a teacher).
February 2nd she told me that it was over. Apparently she has been having stress dreams about her partner and has had at least one dream of us getting married and her saying no despite everyone telling her it’s the right thing to do. The reason she told me it was over is because these dreams about her partner are making her question her sexual identity and she needs to figure it out. I personally believe that, while that may be a small part of it, is not all of it. The reason being is that is the dreams were about the lifestyle I can understand it but they were about her partner.
I have been trying to support her and talk to her about this but she constantly shut me down every time and has now shut me out completely because she knows they are trauma reactions and that she can’t be rational and it’s killing me. I KNOW she is try to protect herself because her feelings for me come really close to those of her former partner and I KNOW that she has a morbid fear of losing me (she has said so many times) and, putting 2 and 2 together, I have come to the conclusion that she can’t deal with her feelings because it reminds her of what she had with her former partner and she can’t risk going down that road again for fear of losing someone that she would give everything for (I think that’s also why she can’t give completely); either that or she feels she is betraying her partners memory.
I love her to death, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her but she is determined that we untangle our lives and heal. Something I am finding really hard to do. I can see through her walls, I can see she’s hurting and how much but she has built this impenetrable tower around herself and is very cold.
I’ve been talking to a psych nurse friend of mine who suggested that maybe she has PTSD because of the 2 trauma’s she’s had in her life. The reason I am posting it here is because I really want to know if this sounds like PTSD and how I would go about helping her see it (which I think she does subconsciously since she talks about trauma reactions), accept it and seek help for it.
Thanks in advance for any comments/suggestions you may have.
Darren
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My girlfriend and I had been dating for a little under a year when, without warning she broke it off and shut down on me and shut me out completely. She won’t accept any of my calls or texts. I am wondering, based on what she’s told me, that she has PTSD. I don’t know whether she does or not but I know that she has been treated for severe anxiety disorder before we met. Let me give some background information on our relationship and on her.
Before we agreed to start dating we had a period of truth where all of our history was out in the open so that we could make an informed decision on whether dating would work. During this period of time she told me that she was in an abusive marriage for a number of years that a close female friend of hers helped her get out of. That was 7 years ago. She developed an attachment to her female friend and they ended up in a relationship which I understand is common for people that have been abused. 5 years ago this year her former partner developed a debilitating illness. My now ex was the healthcare proxy for her partner and had to fight for every bit of treatment that her partner received. She lost her partner November of 2008 and, as healthcare proxy to her, had to make the decision to turn off life support.
Now about our relationship…We enjoyed each other’s company to the point where we were inseparable almost with the exception of the nights she had her kids. That started to change a few months into it when we both realized what we had in each other and decided to merge our lives together a little at a time. She would send me songs that reminded me of her and to quote her (she said this to a friend of mine) “he treats me like gold. Like me he is genuine and honest and it really is easy to make him happy. I’m very happy too”. That was around early August last year. I found out that her former partner’s birthday was August 19th and from that point on her demeanor changed a little. It is still really hard for her and I know she misses her partner more than anything but she started taking things in smaller chunks whereas before we were making plans. She kept saying things like “I just want to be this happy on my birthday” which was a little over a month away. She talked about her partner and I listened but around mid October (after her birthday) she went cold on me completely and tried to turn her back on me despite telling me that what she felt for me was close to what she felt for her partner. We talked and managed to make it through. We even made it through the date that her partner died, November 19th, and I could see how hard it was for her because she was having visual anxiety attacks. Anyway…she told me more and more times that she wants to give all of herself but can’t and it’s killing her as to why. She even sang Christine Perri’s “Arms” to me; you’ll have to read the lyrics if you don’t know that song and yes I’m a sap!!
That was the first time that I had ever seen her naked, without any walls and completely vulnerable!!
We got through Christmas without any issues, we went bowling with 30 members of her family on new years eve (first time I'd met any of them) and we had a lot of fun. We went to see Jeff Dunham together on Jan 15th and on Jan 29th (the day after my sons birthday) she came by with her kids to give him his gift. Up until this point there was no indication that there was a problem at all other than the fact that she was a little quieter than usual but I thought that was down to the fact that she had a lot of paperwork to complete for school (she’s a teacher).
February 2nd she told me that it was over. Apparently she has been having stress dreams about her partner and has had at least one dream of us getting married and her saying no despite everyone telling her it’s the right thing to do. The reason she told me it was over is because these dreams about her partner are making her question her sexual identity and she needs to figure it out. I personally believe that, while that may be a small part of it, is not all of it. The reason being is that is the dreams were about the lifestyle I can understand it but they were about her partner.
I have been trying to support her and talk to her about this but she constantly shut me down every time and has now shut me out completely because she knows they are trauma reactions and that she can’t be rational and it’s killing me. I KNOW she is try to protect herself because her feelings for me come really close to those of her former partner and I KNOW that she has a morbid fear of losing me (she has said so many times) and, putting 2 and 2 together, I have come to the conclusion that she can’t deal with her feelings because it reminds her of what she had with her former partner and she can’t risk going down that road again for fear of losing someone that she would give everything for (I think that’s also why she can’t give completely); either that or she feels she is betraying her partners memory.
I love her to death, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her but she is determined that we untangle our lives and heal. Something I am finding really hard to do. I can see through her walls, I can see she’s hurting and how much but she has built this impenetrable tower around herself and is very cold.
I’ve been talking to a psych nurse friend of mine who suggested that maybe she has PTSD because of the 2 trauma’s she’s had in her life. The reason I am posting it here is because I really want to know if this sounds like PTSD and how I would go about helping her see it (which I think she does subconsciously since she talks about trauma reactions), accept it and seek help for it.
Thanks in advance for any comments/suggestions you may have.
Darren
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