S
Shrat
Hey everyone,
I've been dealing with a lot of sadness lately. A little about myself. I'm a therapist/crisis counselor, married for 17 years with two children. I'm at a breaking point with my wife due to possible trauma bonding, but I'm so close to it, I am constantly questioning myself and whether it is me who is at fault. This is a pattern throughout my life. I am a people pleaser. I grew up not knowing my bio-dad, step-dad took over at the age of two, told me he was step-dad when he adopted when I was in 3rd grade. He worked hard, but was generally uninvolved, stressed, depressed etc. I loved him, but he was a stern man we had to walk on eggshells around. My mom on the other hand, was a saint. A kind, Godly women who loved my father despite his grumpy nature. She would not typically get angry, but when she did, it was a scene and completely out of character. Still, I had a pretty normal childhood, or at least I felt like I did.
Dated a girl in and out of high school for 2 years. The last year she began attending a cultish church that I got kicked out of for whispering to her that I thought the pastor was a bit controlling. She told him, and eventually, well, a fun meeting for me happened where I was voted out as if I wanted to come back anyway. Eventually became a youth pastor myself at 19 and did that for 18 years. Met my wife at a youth ministry in another town. She was quiet and gentle natured. She was a doer, a servent, liked to do things for others. This seemingly humble nature appealed to me a great deal. Throughout our marriage, however, she has exhibited control issues and judgment. I've never felt like I can be fully myself with her, and as time as gone on, I've only lessened aspects of my personality to avoid conflict. She has always had social issues, felt awkward, doesn't know how to talk to people. I'm a talker, make friends quick, people like me. It's my only gift. I'm empathetic and this is what has led me to become a therapist.
I've come to realize that my wife may have no capability to have empathy, at least not for me. She is not an apologizer, never has been. It is incredibly difficult for her to admit a wrong, and when she does say she is sorry, it is usually in an angry way and I'm supposed to accept it as genuine and feel good about it. I don't, but again, I've learned to avoid conflict. Over the years I've felt quite lonely. I developed an anxiety issue as a youth pastor because I would take everyone's problems home and forgot that I could not fix anyone. Through CBT, running, and meds, that eventually smoothed out, but it was miserable and I realized I had been anxious most of my life and just thought it was how everyone felt. My wife has a hard time sitting down and having a productive discussion if it involves conflict with us where any compromise on her behalf would have to be made. She won't let me finish a sentence, assumes what I'm going to say, then believes that meaning no matter what. Over the years, this has led to escalations due to my frustration on having to always carry the blame and, along with my already self-critical nature, the panic it has induced. I have had a few panic attacks during arguments. Once I lied down on the kitchen floor because I was dizzy and out of breath. She stepped over my body and just went out to the car. My 6 y/o son at the time came over with a tissue and wiped my nose. She came back in, scooped him up, and left. I could have been having a heart attack for all she knew, but no consideration. Another time, she told me to go to the hospital, so I went out to the car and sat for 15 minutes until it passed, came in the house and went directly to bed. No questions or thoughts toward my well-being. I'm not perfect myself by any means. Last November I broke. I was working for a family based therapy company and I resigned. I had been working with a family, including a Grandmother who was incredibly anxious, was not sleeping, and needed a Cpap machine. My job was as a MST therapist, so I worked with the whole system to help lessen the juvenile's behaviors. If we could get Grandma her machine, she could get better sleep, agitation levels would be down, helping to create a more relaxed atmosphere in the home, perhaps helping the juvenile be less reactive. That was the idea here anyway, we'd try many different things. When I resigned, the company just closed the case w/o assigning another therapist. Grandma still had not gotten her machine and her anxiety prevented her from making the phone calls necessary to make the appointments etc.. I decided to go to the home two additional times after resignation to help her manage this. Yes, in the therapeutic world, this would be unethical, other therapists jaws hit the floor and they act like you just committed murder, trust me, it's a fun time if you accidentally let it slip that you did something so scandalous. But I am who I am and I felt it was the moral thing to do, so I did it. I couldn't not do it. Well I came home and my wife spent two hours arguing with me about how unethical I was (news to me that she would have ever felt this way), quoting scripture about submitting to authority (out of context btw) and making me feel like I was an absolute heel. This is the person I love, that I believed to love me, that I would have thought might say, if she'd say anything, "Honey, that was nice that you helped that old lady", but I didn't even expect that. At the end of the 2 hours, she then says, "I change my mind, I agree". I ask what changed her mind. "I don't know, I just changed it". No explanation. Never an explanation. No apology for making me feel like the core of who I am and my principles are rotten.
So I broke. I felt empty, alone, unloved. I eventually made a bad choice and looked at pornography. I also logged into a dating website to attempt to connect through chat with someone to feel less alone and receive some sort of validation. I didn't, I felt too guilty. My wife found out. I didn't really hide it. I lied for a day out of shame, then admitted. She found a few more things I had looked up, I again lied for a day out of shame, then admitted. She knows everything, we've been in counseling. She still thinks I'm lying even though I've given her complete control of everything. She has all passwords, I have never owned a cell phone, web sites are blocked at work, and I told her she could shut the internet off if she wanted to when she went to bed, (plus she already has covenant eyes on it). Anyway, she keeps insisting I'm still lying, and she'll say things like I'm a gross man. I ignored for a few weeks, but then got incredibly desperate and panicked due to her accusations. What is she thinking I did? There is nothing else, I don't want her to think whatever gross thing she thinks. But when asked, she only kept saying, "you know and you have to repent on your own, I'm not going to tell you". This was for a couple of weeks. She kept being mad at me, and would not tell me what she thought I was lying about. I eventually sent her a facebook message where I pleaded and said, I just want to die. That's how I felt at that moment, completely overwhelmed. Her response: "The lies & manipulation are over the top If you really are thinking that way then you need to go to crisis; in another town if need be. I’m not equipped to deal with that on a normal day much less when you’re lying to me".
Keep in mind that 6 years ago I went to her and told her how alone I was feeling and I was worried about where this was headed. She only seems to have the capability to love me in the way she feels loved, acts of service. So her response is always just to do more, cook more, etc. She knows my love language is words of encouragement. She told our therapist that It is hard for her to encourage me, but she couldn't say why. I have only continued to be better over the years, speak her love language, be considerate. She will criticize what I talk about, so I will be considerate and not talk about those subjects anymore, and then she will say I don't talk as much as I used to. This is someone who never talks, and yet I feel guilty. She will run down of everything wrong with me in arguments and say absolute nonsense and I'll be convinced. She had me convinced once that all of my relationships with my family/siblings were poor and I needed to repair them. I had my shoes on, keys in hand, ready to drive an hour to show up at my brother's door to apologize for who knows what. I don't understand any of this. I am guilty of breaking her trust and understand her anger about the websites. I don't expect her forgiveness anytime soon, if at all. But it sure would be nice if there would be some indicator that she was at least capable of understanding context of what would bring someone to making out of character choices. I feel so depressed. Do you think this is possible trauma bonding? Signs of something else here? Is she a narcissist? Is it me and I have too high expectations? I feel like I am not allowed to be myself, but maybe I'm not allowing myself to be myself? Why do I stay? I'm not happy. But I love her. I don't like her.
I've been dealing with a lot of sadness lately. A little about myself. I'm a therapist/crisis counselor, married for 17 years with two children. I'm at a breaking point with my wife due to possible trauma bonding, but I'm so close to it, I am constantly questioning myself and whether it is me who is at fault. This is a pattern throughout my life. I am a people pleaser. I grew up not knowing my bio-dad, step-dad took over at the age of two, told me he was step-dad when he adopted when I was in 3rd grade. He worked hard, but was generally uninvolved, stressed, depressed etc. I loved him, but he was a stern man we had to walk on eggshells around. My mom on the other hand, was a saint. A kind, Godly women who loved my father despite his grumpy nature. She would not typically get angry, but when she did, it was a scene and completely out of character. Still, I had a pretty normal childhood, or at least I felt like I did.
Dated a girl in and out of high school for 2 years. The last year she began attending a cultish church that I got kicked out of for whispering to her that I thought the pastor was a bit controlling. She told him, and eventually, well, a fun meeting for me happened where I was voted out as if I wanted to come back anyway. Eventually became a youth pastor myself at 19 and did that for 18 years. Met my wife at a youth ministry in another town. She was quiet and gentle natured. She was a doer, a servent, liked to do things for others. This seemingly humble nature appealed to me a great deal. Throughout our marriage, however, she has exhibited control issues and judgment. I've never felt like I can be fully myself with her, and as time as gone on, I've only lessened aspects of my personality to avoid conflict. She has always had social issues, felt awkward, doesn't know how to talk to people. I'm a talker, make friends quick, people like me. It's my only gift. I'm empathetic and this is what has led me to become a therapist.
I've come to realize that my wife may have no capability to have empathy, at least not for me. She is not an apologizer, never has been. It is incredibly difficult for her to admit a wrong, and when she does say she is sorry, it is usually in an angry way and I'm supposed to accept it as genuine and feel good about it. I don't, but again, I've learned to avoid conflict. Over the years I've felt quite lonely. I developed an anxiety issue as a youth pastor because I would take everyone's problems home and forgot that I could not fix anyone. Through CBT, running, and meds, that eventually smoothed out, but it was miserable and I realized I had been anxious most of my life and just thought it was how everyone felt. My wife has a hard time sitting down and having a productive discussion if it involves conflict with us where any compromise on her behalf would have to be made. She won't let me finish a sentence, assumes what I'm going to say, then believes that meaning no matter what. Over the years, this has led to escalations due to my frustration on having to always carry the blame and, along with my already self-critical nature, the panic it has induced. I have had a few panic attacks during arguments. Once I lied down on the kitchen floor because I was dizzy and out of breath. She stepped over my body and just went out to the car. My 6 y/o son at the time came over with a tissue and wiped my nose. She came back in, scooped him up, and left. I could have been having a heart attack for all she knew, but no consideration. Another time, she told me to go to the hospital, so I went out to the car and sat for 15 minutes until it passed, came in the house and went directly to bed. No questions or thoughts toward my well-being. I'm not perfect myself by any means. Last November I broke. I was working for a family based therapy company and I resigned. I had been working with a family, including a Grandmother who was incredibly anxious, was not sleeping, and needed a Cpap machine. My job was as a MST therapist, so I worked with the whole system to help lessen the juvenile's behaviors. If we could get Grandma her machine, she could get better sleep, agitation levels would be down, helping to create a more relaxed atmosphere in the home, perhaps helping the juvenile be less reactive. That was the idea here anyway, we'd try many different things. When I resigned, the company just closed the case w/o assigning another therapist. Grandma still had not gotten her machine and her anxiety prevented her from making the phone calls necessary to make the appointments etc.. I decided to go to the home two additional times after resignation to help her manage this. Yes, in the therapeutic world, this would be unethical, other therapists jaws hit the floor and they act like you just committed murder, trust me, it's a fun time if you accidentally let it slip that you did something so scandalous. But I am who I am and I felt it was the moral thing to do, so I did it. I couldn't not do it. Well I came home and my wife spent two hours arguing with me about how unethical I was (news to me that she would have ever felt this way), quoting scripture about submitting to authority (out of context btw) and making me feel like I was an absolute heel. This is the person I love, that I believed to love me, that I would have thought might say, if she'd say anything, "Honey, that was nice that you helped that old lady", but I didn't even expect that. At the end of the 2 hours, she then says, "I change my mind, I agree". I ask what changed her mind. "I don't know, I just changed it". No explanation. Never an explanation. No apology for making me feel like the core of who I am and my principles are rotten.
So I broke. I felt empty, alone, unloved. I eventually made a bad choice and looked at pornography. I also logged into a dating website to attempt to connect through chat with someone to feel less alone and receive some sort of validation. I didn't, I felt too guilty. My wife found out. I didn't really hide it. I lied for a day out of shame, then admitted. She found a few more things I had looked up, I again lied for a day out of shame, then admitted. She knows everything, we've been in counseling. She still thinks I'm lying even though I've given her complete control of everything. She has all passwords, I have never owned a cell phone, web sites are blocked at work, and I told her she could shut the internet off if she wanted to when she went to bed, (plus she already has covenant eyes on it). Anyway, she keeps insisting I'm still lying, and she'll say things like I'm a gross man. I ignored for a few weeks, but then got incredibly desperate and panicked due to her accusations. What is she thinking I did? There is nothing else, I don't want her to think whatever gross thing she thinks. But when asked, she only kept saying, "you know and you have to repent on your own, I'm not going to tell you". This was for a couple of weeks. She kept being mad at me, and would not tell me what she thought I was lying about. I eventually sent her a facebook message where I pleaded and said, I just want to die. That's how I felt at that moment, completely overwhelmed. Her response: "The lies & manipulation are over the top If you really are thinking that way then you need to go to crisis; in another town if need be. I’m not equipped to deal with that on a normal day much less when you’re lying to me".
Keep in mind that 6 years ago I went to her and told her how alone I was feeling and I was worried about where this was headed. She only seems to have the capability to love me in the way she feels loved, acts of service. So her response is always just to do more, cook more, etc. She knows my love language is words of encouragement. She told our therapist that It is hard for her to encourage me, but she couldn't say why. I have only continued to be better over the years, speak her love language, be considerate. She will criticize what I talk about, so I will be considerate and not talk about those subjects anymore, and then she will say I don't talk as much as I used to. This is someone who never talks, and yet I feel guilty. She will run down of everything wrong with me in arguments and say absolute nonsense and I'll be convinced. She had me convinced once that all of my relationships with my family/siblings were poor and I needed to repair them. I had my shoes on, keys in hand, ready to drive an hour to show up at my brother's door to apologize for who knows what. I don't understand any of this. I am guilty of breaking her trust and understand her anger about the websites. I don't expect her forgiveness anytime soon, if at all. But it sure would be nice if there would be some indicator that she was at least capable of understanding context of what would bring someone to making out of character choices. I feel so depressed. Do you think this is possible trauma bonding? Signs of something else here? Is she a narcissist? Is it me and I have too high expectations? I feel like I am not allowed to be myself, but maybe I'm not allowing myself to be myself? Why do I stay? I'm not happy. But I love her. I don't like her.