I totally get what you are saying. While it in no way means PTSD, it does sound like your parents have caused you emotional difficulties. You are clearly in a lot of pain. I know you are searching for the source of your pain but there is plenty of information about other diagnoses such as attachment disorders and mood disorders.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Childhood Possible Trauma While Baby, Possible/worth Finding Out? Seems It Is Worth It, If It's Possible
- Post starter BoP
- Start date
- Status
Uh....the people here care about it actually. I suggest you look up what it means and not be quite so dismissive about not caring about it. You came to a ptsd forum with a self diagnosis and then chose to dismiss those who you ask for help. Perhaps you should get a diagnosis and find the proper site to attend.
As for your history, I think sometimes people spend a lot of time trying to find a reason why they feel shitty and looking for something to blame rather than looking inward and finding the results in the mirror.
Friday
Sponsor
Absolutely. Which is a big part of why proper diagnosis is important.
If you've got a bulging belly, sore breasts, & have missed your period? It's a lot easier to find books on pregnancy than it is to find books on "something that shares some of the symptoms of pregnancy". But if you're not pregnant? If you've got an endocrine cancer which has thrown your hormones completely out of whack? 10,000 books on pregnancy aren't going to help you. At best, all researching the wrong thing will do is delay the treatment of your cancer. At worst the cancer could be extremely reactive to folic acid, and taking prenatal vitamins could kill you. Same token, if you are pregnant? That's not a tumor that needs surgery & chemo. That's a baby. All the books on endocrine cancer in the world aren't going to help you. And none of the cancer treatments are going to be effective for you.
Same thing with psych & neurology. Treating the wrong thing? Can make things much worse. The best treatment for one disorder is often the worst treatment for another disorder. Even with the same symptoms.
It is 100% okay to not know exactly what is wrong, or why it's wrong, and seek professionals to help you figure that out. Just like going to the doctor when sick. You don't have to know what's making you sick, or the best way to treat it, to know you're ill. And you don't need to get a medical degree, or study 80 differentials, before ringing to make an appointment. Even with medical science, it often takes awhile to figure out the correct diagnosis. Psych/Neurology? Doesn't have lab work & scanners to help speed that process along (aside from doing a physical to rule out medical causes, which is always always always a part of a good/solid diagnosis!). So it can take a fair bit of time to really work out what's going on. Frustrating? Yep. But also expected & necessary. Just like waiting weeks for lab work, only to have them come back negative, and being sent to a specialist, who can't help, and then 2 or 3 more specialists until you find the right one is expected in medicine. Weeks and longer for medicine can take months and longer in psych.
NoWhereKnowWhere
Diamond Member
Yeah I know exactly what you mean. After I was diagnosed I was googling ninja and got so many answers. For years I thought I had GAD and depression and I didn't mention the rape or csa 1. Because it's hard to talk or think about and 2. Because I didn't think it was relevant. It probably caused me a lot more suffering and I didn't get diagnosed as soon as I should have.
I you live and you learn and if my experience can help save even a little bit of suffering for someone else it's worth sharing.
I'm sorry you're suffering right now. Take good care of yourself. Maybe have a google of gaslighting that really helped me to understand how I was being emotionally manipulated by a family member. It's horrible when someone you trust starts messing with your mind.
You're clearly struggling with your feelings, how you are in relationship with others and how you feel about yourself. I can understand the idea that a diagnosis makes it easier to work out a way forward and others have given good advice about the importance of the right diagnosis, if that's your thing.
You sound like you want a reason or a source for the difficulties you've experienced as an adult and keep coming back to childhood, and think it must have happened as a baby otherwise you'd remember it. I'm not sure that's necessarily the case, I had significant levels of trauma growing up and still newly remember things I had forgotten about completely both in terms of traumatic events and people's response to them.
It's possible something happened as an older child or even adult that you simply don't cognitively remember. Or you may have a different disorder, or no disorder at all - some people do just genuinely struggle in relationships with others. I wonder if rather than trying to find the "source" of the issues you're dealing with, you could focus on what is impacting most on your life just now - that may give enough safety and space to remember stuff that's been forgotten or it may highlight other issues that need attention. The searching is horrible and can really get in the way of you getting support.
The problem with a medical model of mental health is we expect diagnosis - treatment - cure and things are rarely that simple, even with a diagnosis, treatment is a trial and error thing, without any certainties. If I were in your shoes, I'd focus less on what's "wrong" with me and think about what's getting in the way of me living as I would want to. Look for support with that and see where it takes you.
You sound like you want a reason or a source for the difficulties you've experienced as an adult and keep coming back to childhood, and think it must have happened as a baby otherwise you'd remember it. I'm not sure that's necessarily the case, I had significant levels of trauma growing up and still newly remember things I had forgotten about completely both in terms of traumatic events and people's response to them.
It's possible something happened as an older child or even adult that you simply don't cognitively remember. Or you may have a different disorder, or no disorder at all - some people do just genuinely struggle in relationships with others. I wonder if rather than trying to find the "source" of the issues you're dealing with, you could focus on what is impacting most on your life just now - that may give enough safety and space to remember stuff that's been forgotten or it may highlight other issues that need attention. The searching is horrible and can really get in the way of you getting support.
The problem with a medical model of mental health is we expect diagnosis - treatment - cure and things are rarely that simple, even with a diagnosis, treatment is a trial and error thing, without any certainties. If I were in your shoes, I'd focus less on what's "wrong" with me and think about what's getting in the way of me living as I would want to. Look for support with that and see where it takes you.
joeylittle
Sponsor
I'm going to ask a super-obvious question...if they are still alive, have you asked them?
I say that like it's easy, and I know it's not. But if you were to organize the sketchy memories you have into a chronology, and just ask - it might fill in some gaps.
You strike me as pretty determined to get to the bottom of what's going on with you; and so, you may be able to see this as having nothing to lose by asking. You know?
I would echo @joeylittle on the suggestion of asking your parents. Even if they don't give you a direct answer, you might be able to tell something by their reactions.
I would also stress again how dangerous it is to go searching for repressed memories when you already believe someone is "colluding" against you. That's pretty much a sure-fire way to uncover false memories.
I'm not saying they didn't do something, or there wasn't some trauma, but when you go searching for it and already believe something happened (and that your parents did something bad), you're really opening up a can of worms.
Did your therapist say she/he believed you could uncover memories from when you were a baby? If so, I'd find a new therapist. Your brain wouldn't even have been fully formed when you were a baby, and incapable of fully processing/interpreting the world around you. If you want to start trying to recover memories, it'd make more sense to start with more recent times.
I would also stress again how dangerous it is to go searching for repressed memories when you already believe someone is "colluding" against you. That's pretty much a sure-fire way to uncover false memories.
I'm not saying they didn't do something, or there wasn't some trauma, but when you go searching for it and already believe something happened (and that your parents did something bad), you're really opening up a can of worms.
Did your therapist say she/he believed you could uncover memories from when you were a baby? If so, I'd find a new therapist. Your brain wouldn't even have been fully formed when you were a baby, and incapable of fully processing/interpreting the world around you. If you want to start trying to recover memories, it'd make more sense to start with more recent times.
- Post starter
- #20
> Respectfully, the passages you have quoted do not relate to your situation as you have described it. The first passage is not referring to a single incident as an infant but a chronic situation during different stages of childhood development.
The first passage related, the post has been edited and they’ve been deleted now for some reason, described emotional flashbacks, and that description is one possible explanation of my bad experiences at my first proper job at the age of about 20. Then further experiences. I think that was the first passage. Knowing why things went so wrong in that job (and after) would be useful, and emotional flashbacks is a possibility. I didn’t know about them until I read that bit.
The second passage, I think, said neglect can cause PTSD, which was news to me. Plus it pointed out the heightened negative impact collusion has.
> My personal non professional opinion, as I am not one, is that you are trying very had to make a diagnosis fit that doesn't.
But to a good extent it boils down to: did I suffer neglect and/or witness of violent event then further until now, cover up etc. or not? If so, then me having problems because of those thing is at least a possibility, if not likely. If not, the no, obviously I’m not suffering from something that didn’t happen.
If those things did happen, therefore there’s a big chance they’re the reason I’ve had and am having problems, it doesn’t matter if my problems qualifies as official PTSD. What’s important is, to me, if I’d been neglected for long periods of time and if I experienced a violent event and much cover up ever since, then that’d be a pretty darn likely reason I’ve had problems. And PTSD related stuff would be a source of usefulness, seeing as it’s about problems experienced now from earlier bad experience.
> but in order to get the proper treatment you need the correct diagnosis.
Unfortunately I don’t think that’s what I’ll be getting really. It’ll be a case of relationship therapy because that’s what they have to offer and it’s one of the problems I now have.
I’m going to stop this now. It's starting to get a bit much. Thanks for the replies. Oh except, this is a good question/point for sure:
> I'm going to ask a super-obvious question...if they are still alive, have you asked them? […] and so, you may be able to see this as having nothing to lose by asking. You know?
No I haven’t. But I do have things to lose. I live with them. I don’t have a job. They meddle, control are disparaging, put down, about anything I do. There’s a definite catch-22 double-bind aspect to this… There’s more to say here but I won’t.
But about asking, one idea I had just last night: there’s a life long friend of my mother’s, I could ask her. Presumably she would have been in touch with my mother around the time of my birth (quite possibly not that much though unfortunately but I’m not sure), and in her recent part of her life she’s been involved professionally with counselling and domestic violence - so she knows about that sort of thing. If my suspicions are generally right (not just about things which might have happened but also the way my mother’s dealing with it), my mother would not have told this friend. But, people do give clues unintentionally. Maybe if I was to put it to her, it might trigger some thought/memory for her, especially since now she’s knowledgeable about that sort of thing - she wasn’t at the time. It’d be really hard to ask in a way that doesn’t make her report that back to my mother though.
Thanks all.
The first passage related, the post has been edited and they’ve been deleted now for some reason, described emotional flashbacks, and that description is one possible explanation of my bad experiences at my first proper job at the age of about 20. Then further experiences. I think that was the first passage. Knowing why things went so wrong in that job (and after) would be useful, and emotional flashbacks is a possibility. I didn’t know about them until I read that bit.
The second passage, I think, said neglect can cause PTSD, which was news to me. Plus it pointed out the heightened negative impact collusion has.
> My personal non professional opinion, as I am not one, is that you are trying very had to make a diagnosis fit that doesn't.
But to a good extent it boils down to: did I suffer neglect and/or witness of violent event then further until now, cover up etc. or not? If so, then me having problems because of those thing is at least a possibility, if not likely. If not, the no, obviously I’m not suffering from something that didn’t happen.
If those things did happen, therefore there’s a big chance they’re the reason I’ve had and am having problems, it doesn’t matter if my problems qualifies as official PTSD. What’s important is, to me, if I’d been neglected for long periods of time and if I experienced a violent event and much cover up ever since, then that’d be a pretty darn likely reason I’ve had problems. And PTSD related stuff would be a source of usefulness, seeing as it’s about problems experienced now from earlier bad experience.
> but in order to get the proper treatment you need the correct diagnosis.
Unfortunately I don’t think that’s what I’ll be getting really. It’ll be a case of relationship therapy because that’s what they have to offer and it’s one of the problems I now have.
I’m going to stop this now. It's starting to get a bit much. Thanks for the replies. Oh except, this is a good question/point for sure:
> I'm going to ask a super-obvious question...if they are still alive, have you asked them? […] and so, you may be able to see this as having nothing to lose by asking. You know?
No I haven’t. But I do have things to lose. I live with them. I don’t have a job. They meddle, control are disparaging, put down, about anything I do. There’s a definite catch-22 double-bind aspect to this… There’s more to say here but I won’t.
But about asking, one idea I had just last night: there’s a life long friend of my mother’s, I could ask her. Presumably she would have been in touch with my mother around the time of my birth (quite possibly not that much though unfortunately but I’m not sure), and in her recent part of her life she’s been involved professionally with counselling and domestic violence - so she knows about that sort of thing. If my suspicions are generally right (not just about things which might have happened but also the way my mother’s dealing with it), my mother would not have told this friend. But, people do give clues unintentionally. Maybe if I was to put it to her, it might trigger some thought/memory for her, especially since now she’s knowledgeable about that sort of thing - she wasn’t at the time. It’d be really hard to ask in a way that doesn’t make her report that back to my mother though.
Thanks all.
joeylittle
Sponsor
@BoP - I'd suggest that moving out be a first priority. Then, confronting/questioning your parents. Then seeking mental health support.
James McGregor
Silver Member
i honestly dont know if its even possible to "remember" anything as a baby, i dont think proper memories start to form until later, we just arent developed enough
BoP, a person can be traumatized at any point in their life, and that includes infancy. You are reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD, which I consider a very useful guide. A child can be traumatized by physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse and neglect. At the bottom of page 10 of his book, Walker states that Cptsd can be caused by emotional neglect alone, which he discusses at more length in chapter 5. Babies and children need to be loved, nurtured, interacted with, supported, and made to feel safe. If you sense that something in your infancy could have overwhelmed and traumatized you, you could be on to something, and it would not hurt to try to understand what may have happened. Even if it wasn't a traumatic event for you, it might be useful in understanding more about your own life.
I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD caused by physical and emotional abuse and extreme emotional neglect in my earliest years. As someone who managed to keep going by dissociating from my experiences, it has taken me years to connect the scattered memories into a coherent life narrative and to feel my way through and resolve the painful, bewildering events, which has led to a more integrated consciousness, an ability to care for my inner child, and a more comfortable life. I found that brief, recurring memories are worth delving into with guidance from a therapist and at one's own pace.
So I hope the relational therapy is helpful for you, but if you find you need to look deeper into possible PTSD, I hope you find a good, experienced ptsd therapist to help you through it.
Some psychologists are saying that they think many "mental disorders" could actually be PTSD, the result of childhood trauma.
Good luck in finding some resolution for these difficulties and a happier life ahead.
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
