Post-abuse Anxiety - Divorce-related

[VintageGeek]

I'm new here, and my story is long but I'll make it brief: for 10 years I was married to a man who emotionally, physically, and sexually abused me. After I discovered that he was beginning to do the same things to our children, I left him. I have since been diagnosed with PTSD and have experienced many of the symptoms of it, but I have been unable to continue meaningful psychotherapy due to its cost.

The divorce is taking a very long time - he is a very intelligent man with a very intelligent lawyer and they have been able to find ways to delay, delay, delay.

We are currently sharing custody of the children, and now that school is over we will need to meet in a neutral location four times a week to "hand them off."

I am able to function in almost every aspect of my life. I occasionally have nightmares, but for the most part I am becoming extremely well adjusted. My fears about what will happen in the divorce have left me because he has behaved so abhorrently that there is no question about how things will turn out - once they're finally over.

However, when I have to see him, I wake up that morning with absolutely crippling anxiety. I can't eat or rest or think about anything other than how much I do not want to see him. He no longer has control over me, and when I think about it objectively I have even been able to conjure up something like pity for him, and I logically know that he can't - and probably won't - do anything to me in the moment that we are in the same room. But everything in my body screams at me to run away. The drive to the meeting place is torture. I am on the brink of tears the whole time because of how badly I do not want to be in a room with him.

Next week we are having another hearing - thinking about that at all, in any way, makes me want to vomit and run screaming the other way. Even though I know things are going to be okay and reasonably nothing bad is going to happen, I have yet to figure out how to control these very physical reactions.

Does anybody have any thoughts or ideas or techniques that they have been able to use to stop these anxiety attacks from occurring?

 

[Loveneverfails]

Your story sounds so similar to mine. I wish I had better advice for you or some trick to make it easier. But the best thing I can say is to endure.

It doesn't end, even after the divorce is finalized, they will always find some way to get at us the best way they know how. Sad thing is that means our children suffer and it's hard to understand how they can rationalize that doesn't matter. But in time it gets easier.

It's been almost 3 years for me now since we separated, 1 year since the divorce was finally over and done. It's getting better and I'm sure it will be the same eventually for you. It's going to get worse the closer to the end it gets, but you have to stay strong and hold your head up high. You know you're doing what is right and what is best for your family.

No matter what he does, remember that you deserve to live without fear and this is the only way to eventually get it.

 

[EddieP]

I sincerely apologize for "butting in" on this conversation, but you are almost exactly describing what my fiancee is going through and I thought I might ask a couple of questions, if you don't mind. We are also dealing with custody issues and continued abuse of the children. Lawyers can be scum! I still don't understand how a judge can send small children back into abusive environments. How do they sleep at night??

Sorry I digress;

So, my question is HOW can I be supportive of my fiancee without causing more problems and setting off her triggers? I am constantly on eggshells around her because I think my mere presence IS one of the triggers. I cannot imagine the horror and pain that she has suffered living with such evil. But she shuts me out when I try to help. And when she has one of her attacks it seems I can do NOTHING to help. If you could direct a supporter who is willing to do ANYTHING to help, what would you tell me to do to help you?

I see her break down completely when the time comes to take her daughter back to him. She is lost for hours after "phone visitation" whether he allows it or not. And I know it is tearing her up inside to think of her daughter still in that house. All I want to do is help, but I am powerless to "fix" the custody/ex issue....and I feel powerless to even comfort her.

 

[mamachick]

Sorry I am butting in too. I have no good advice. I admire you for getting to the business of divorce and closure. My children have grown from 13 and 15 to 23 and 25, and just now getting to the divorce after 10 yrs of seperation. He refused to let me sell the home as he wanted our children to have the stability of the family home. (so he said) That was a huge lie and he has occassionally tried to re-unite the entire time. It has been draining but the kids are now through college. Unfortunately, it has hurt them in ways that are to long to explain. He rarely visited them, didnt want any regular visitation. That made me 24/7/365. I have concluded that no matter what we do, it is not easy on us or more importantly, the kids.

If this causes anxiety, do you have a relative that could do the exchanges. That would be great. I know I still suffer anxiety from seeing the bastard. He has been so inept as a father and caused tension between myself and kids, as they often lash out at the person who is safest. Its very hurtful.