Childhood Post Abuse Taboo Sexual Behaviours

[clouds]

here's something I never really spoke to anyone about as it seems very weird.

1. when I was little (not sure of time during sexual abuse at age of 5ish or afterwards) I remember I used to AS A CHILD sit on an open door from a cupboard or whatever because it gave me pleasure and one time mom caught me and spanked me and said not to do it so I did it secretly from then not knowing why its bad.
2. Another thing is I used to stand on a balcony even at moms friends house and show my vagina to people, no idea why it was kinda exciting I suppose.
3. Another time I was alone with this neighbour boy whos about 4 years younger so I must have been about 9? "show ne yours and ill show you mine" also we got caught and shouted at which I knew was wrong just didn't get why.
4. one other time about that time frame I used to take my top off eith this other guy a couple years younger and we used to touch bellies secretly. to our knowledge i guess it was kinda like having sex? idk

as a teenager who hit puberty at age of 11 I was obviously sexually curious and lost my virginity at 14 to a 19 yr old, and after a week I got dumped because he didn't want people to find out and I was too young. (LOL)

I had a couple adult boyfriends and sexual encounters with men. I felt like It gave me something, some sort of validation and it felt good to be wanted and admired by all these men and looking back now they all have taken advantage of my naivness which I got so used to and its how everyone trated me so it's normal.
im now 20 and have slept with about 25 people in 6 years. like guys my age and some older have f*cked a 14/15 year old thats kinda messed up but what ever I guess.

I really have had a massive struggle with saying NO and even at times when I really wanted to.
I was seeing this guy few months ago who turned out to only want sex and was inviting me over I didn't wanna go but I didn't say no. he asked me "do you not care what happens to you?" I said "of course I do" but it got to me that I didn't which I guess was an apiphany.

also the mentality of i let him once, twice might as well f*ck him. (friends boyfriend's case)

I struggle with self worth, self esteem, self inage and I guess just being me. f*cking people pleaser. kinda hate myself as do a few girls who consider me a massive whore slut horrible bitch, but im working on that

it seems impossible to set boundaries with men who always think of alone time as a chance to get laid when im actually just looking for a friend and they come onto me and I cant say no.

I was once in a three some with two men at age 14/15 because of this and let me tell you, it wasn't pleasurable what so ever. and I wasn't even drunk.

*anxiety kicks right in*

-I'm gonna skip the rest of the river of this fabilous life story-

I guess thats how child sexual abuse makes you promiscuous?

also I wanted to ask ladies reading this, basically I never had an orgasm with any of my partners, I can kinda do it by myself but I cant with someone no matter how strong the connection is or hoe good the partner. which is f*cking annoying because it disappoints the lover and asks "did u come"? I don't lie but I feel shit about it ha! Being the people pleaser that I am.

also I don't know if this is linked that's why im asking but I get that pulse jn my lady bits from some very weird things like even disgusting things?

and whenever I see kids pics kn Internet I always think I bet theres a pedo wanking over these and get a little paranoid also naked kids make me feel rather uncomfortable.

so here's my wall of shame! (sorry for typos)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

when I was little (not sure of time during sexual abuse at age of 5ish or afterwards) I remember I used to AS A CHILD sit on an open door from a cupboard or whatever because it gave me pleasure

Did it from as young as I remember until about 12 when i was kept busy with sex.

show ne yours and ill show you mine"

Normal childhood behavior but id be all promiscious with kids all of the time and molested a 10 month old baby when i was 14. Hate myself for that.

so here's my wall of shame!

Id stop calling it that as it shouldnt be shameful that you were acting out sexually because you were abused. Most kids do.

I didnt read your entire post, just the bullet points but still, id try to reframe that as wall of what i did due to what was done to me or something similar.

 

[Leisel]

I can relate to multiple of these things and just wanted you to know that I think it's really brave for you to write them out and post them. Kids are kids. Like if a child hears their parent swearing, they might start swearing. Kids take in and copy what is in their environment.
I'm sorry for what you experienced then and for how it affects you as an adult.
I have done similar things to what you listed, but I have never had sex as an adult because the thought of it almost always makes me feel nauseated and afraid. Childhood sexual abuse affects people in different ways and that's one way it affects me. So, it's not the exact same, but I'm sharing so you know that you aren't alone in still being affected as an adult.
I have heard from people who have gone through it, though, that if you do the work of recovery (working through it in therapy, etc.) it is possible to heal and to have a healthy sex life.
I wish you all the best.