Hi Tolan
It’s a tough situation to be in, even when your job is to carry a gun and the fact you may have to use it does not lessen your anxiety knowing that the next apparent innocent vehicle stop or domestic call out may harbour a lunatic with a gun who will use it, so unless you walk around with your weapon out first and ask questions later your good scene of judgment is the only thing keeping you safe.
The trouble with trauma is it can take a long time to come to the surface and when it does you have all sorts of learnt behaviour that will take time to unravel, however you have made the best move to date by seeking help.
From my experience lack of sleep is a major contributor to symptoms, the mind needs to rest to heal and your lack of sleep is most properly causing you to second-guess which, as you know is not a desirable habit in your line of work.
I take it you take pride and enjoy your work but the trauma has made to look at your own mortality, which is normal, especially when you have loved ones relying on you, not to mention the public and your fellow officers.
I don’t know if you feel guilty that you have survived death or injury, but you must remember it was not your destiny to suffer these things. We all make mistakes in life but if you keep second guessing your valuable experience that you have gained may be lost, being scared of a situation is not being a coward, it sharpens the scenes which if drawn upon properly can work for you, and should you be feeling survivors guilt then this is a misplaced emotion to have and needs to be kicked into touch.
Many years ago before I had my vehicle accident and diagnosed with PTSD I had an accident in my heavy vehicle involving a young girl on a motorbike, she was caught in the rear wheels of the truck and I had to get in and move the truck to get her free. I was taken to court and even though it was not my fault, it was a small town and I thought it would go against me, her being a local girl and me a out of town truck driver, the magistrate saw scene and I was found innocent but I still felt guilty because I kept going over in my mind if only I did something a different way, the result was that for a long time the second guessing was making me a useless foot on the brake driver with loss of confidence in my ability, I soon realized that this learnt behaviour was more likely to cause me another accident, and when I realised this things started to sort themselves out and my driving became relaxed again. One thing I have learnt about the bad things that have happened to me is if it can happen to someone it surly will, but that does not necessarily mean it will happen to me again.
I hope the above is of some value to you; it sure is to me because it reaffirms the thought process that I need to keep me going each day.
Good luck on the road to recovery,
Steve
A foot note the girl made a full recovery.
