Relationship Praying for a miracle

[C mom]

God help me, I don't want this divorce. ... I keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare, but it just keeps going... the tears just keep coming... How do you say goodbye to your soulmate? actually, how do you accept that your soulmate doesn't want you anymore? Every day he goes on denying that there is anything wrong with him. Meanwhile, my heart is shattered into a million pieces. Every. Single. Day.

I've loved you since we were teenagers. Now, I'm left with no answers, I've lost my best friend, and 14 years of marriage will end with us not even being friends. In fact, I'm actually afraid of you. you look at me with eyes cold as ice and you are a stranger to me. 4 years ago I experienced the worst day of my life with you. Although our experiences were completely different, and I was devastated at losing Daddy, I was grateful that you survived - I still had you. I had no idea that my husband actually died that night too. THAT man would have killed anyone that has spoken to me and treated me the way you have in the last 4 months. watching you turn your back and walk away from me and our son without the slightest bit of regret, remorse, or any emotion other than anger has left me completely devastated. The rational part of me knows that this is all part of the illness, but damn it, my feelings are just so overwhelming at times. Please, please, please, go back to treatment.

I'll Always Love You.

 

[Freida]

I'm so sorry......

 

[Snowflakes]

@C mom Your post brings tears to my eyes and heart. I am sorry you are hurting.

 

[TwilightDream]

I am new, but not really "new" here. Your post touched me this morning. I so get it. May somehow knowing that other's understand, and share in your grief, bring you some level of solace.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

God help me, I don't want this divorce. ... I keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare, but it just kee...

My heart goes out to you @C mom. Your story is somewhat related to mine. I’m also suffering through a heart break due to personality and ptsd. My bf and I started dating this time last year and I just knew that I had found the love of my life. I notice along the way that there were certain red flags that I ignored due to not really being aware of the dynamics of ptsd. I found that no matter how hard you try, the ptsd battle is a battle that’s hard to win. My bf has recently (somewhere around Thanksgiving) decided to move on with no contact which I’ve known to be ptsd-driven, however, it’s happened in the past but only for a couple of days, then he would return with no questions asked. This time there were other influences that continued what he started. His ex contacted me with several reasons why I shouldn’t be with him, ie, he was seeing me and you at the same time, he likes to run around with others while with you, he’s just using you, he told me some of your private business. Right or wrong, I reacted, and I attacked him with a email explaining what I learned and how I felt. It’s hard not to take things personally sometimes because your heart is involved; if your heart weren’t involved then it would be easy to not care. I haven’t heard from him since right after Thanksgiving and it’s been heart-wrenching; I know it may be ptsd, but it also may be who he is as a person. Who can fall in love with someone and years as your husband did, or a year for me and then become such a stranger? I know that ptsd calls for emotional numbness

 

[C mom]

thank you so much everyone for your kind words. It doesn't fix everything, but there is so much comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one out there struggling like this. I am so happy to have found this safe place, because it's hard not to feel so alone sometimes...

 

[TwilightDream]

@C mom , how are you doing? Just checking to see how things are working out for you?

 

[C mom]

the roller coaster just continues... We finally had a night where he let me talk and cry and actually have my own emotions without shutting down, leaving, or lashing out at me for it. I was completely shocked that I was finally getting a chance to say everything that I've wanted to say since this all began *
(For me) at the beginning of this summer. At the end of it, he agreed when I said that there was nothing left to lose by at least trying marriage counseling. So, we had our first session last night. I honestly don't know what to think. He was an active participant and even confirmed that he is planning on resuming his EMDR treatment. I'm afraid to be hopeful though. All day today I've been wondering to myself, am I just really pathetic for wanting to save my marriage? At this point marriage counseling feels like I'm just trying to convince my husband that he loves me enough to Stay With Me. I do love him so very much and this whole thing really hurts, but I'm completely confused and still very heartbroken. Thank you so much for checking in on me. How is your journey going right now?

 

[Buttercup]

No, you are not pathetic

 

[C mom]

No, you are not pathetic

Thank you. It's just hard reflecting back on the person I've become since my marriage has started to unravel. I used to feel so secure, but having everything ripped away from me so quickly has made me question everything about myself. I have days where I feel ok, like I'm strong enough and confident enough to start down this new path raising my son by myself. Then, I have days where I just want to curl up and cry all day, mourning the loss of the life that I had as well as the loss of the life that I still had to live, growing old with my husband. I want my husband back, but I don't want to be with the person that he's become.

 

[Supervixn]

Give him space to heal. If he loves you he will eventually come back. Sounds cliche but its true. But don't rest your hat on his return. It's not fair to you.

Focus on becoming a stronger person... you may indeed end up alone. But if he doesn't love you there's no hope in the marriage. Him going to couples counciling is a good sign. However, pushing for his love and begging for his return will ultimately push him away anyway. Just focus on you. You gotta be strong for your child and for yourself. It's hard to hear but it's true. Just allow yourself to grieve and feel, without hanging it over him. You can't guilt someone into loving you... not saying you are, but I'd feel pretty guilty if I were him. Let him heal. Focus on healing yourself and prepare for the possibility of having a new life. What else can you really do?

You're definitely not alone. You are never, ever alone. But the focus has to be on finding your own strength. Because if you don't, and he DOES return, you're vulnerable to this whole roller coaster ride once again, if he should happen to want to leave another time. You gotta be there for yourself first. You can do this. With or without him. It's as true as the sky is blue. You got this. You got to know it.

 

[C mom]

Give him space to heal. If he loves you he will eventually come back. Sounds cliche but its true. B...

My goodness. I wish I could like your post a thousand times. I think your words are exactly what I needed to hear right now. It's taken me some time, but I'm realizing that I lost myself somewhere along the way... I truly truly love this site. Thank you so much for taking the time to post what you did, when you don't even know me. Actually, thank you to everyone who has posted or liked somewhere on this thread. It's wonderful finally having a voice and being heard.