Sufferer Pretty Confused About Everything

[walkadifferentstreet]

Hi,

I'm not really sure how to explain... I'm not even really sure what I am trying to explain. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2009 (related to trauma from when I was 4/5 until I was about 18) but had a pretty bad therapy experience (which ended up resulting in the psychiatrist going to prison) and have not really been engaged in therapy until around a year ago. My psychologist has more recently started talking about structural dissociation which is confusing the hell out of me. Basically I have the typical PTSD symptoms of intrusion, re-experiencing and avoidance, but I also dissociate. When I dissociate, sometimes I can semi-remember what has happened, but like I have been out of it, distant or in a fog, and not in control of myself. And sometimes I just don't remember anything that has happened.

What has been scaring me the last week is feeling like something inside my head is trying to kill me. I have previously self harmed without remembering/realising and I am pretty scared that I am going to do something drastic without meaning to. I told my psychologist and she says I need to try to be compassionate towards the more frantic and emotional parts of myself but I have no idea how to do that.

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, I guess I am just confused and hoping to learn something and feel less alone. At the moment I just feel completely insane. Sorry if this doesn't make sense...

 

[SophiaWisdom]

Great start! Welcome to the forums and glad you told us all this. You are brave for sharing.

 

[ladee]

Welcome. So this healing journey has been made even harder for you by those that should have helped.
Your courage to reach out to another T shows your determination to get well.
Sounds like you may need to ASK your T to get more specific about how to do calm down the part that is encoraging harm.
Not knowing how you self harm, but regardless, we need a roadmap of sorts, to navigate self care.
I understand your fear.
Very glad you are here.
Others will come on and have suggestions.
Sending gentle hugs If you accept.

 

[walkadifferentstreet]

Welcome. So this healing journey has been made even harder for you by those that should have helped.
Your...

Thanks for your reply. We're not sure yet which part it is that is trying to self harm/hurt me, so it's hard to know how to calm it down. My psychologist thinks my parts are the ANP then EPs (5/6 years old, 8/9 years old, 11 years old, 13 years old & 15/16 years old). I think it's one of the older two that is dominant in trying to self harm at the moment because the things I've been finding myself doing are more 'sophisticated' self harm than I think the younger parts would be capable of. Unfortunately my psychologist is now away for two weeks so I have to try to figure out how to get through until I see her in a couple of weeks. Thanks again.

 

[ladee]

What are you doing now that helps?

 

[walkadifferentstreet]

What are you doing now that helps?

I'm trying to learn to recognise the triggers to dissociation more (flashbacks, being at home alone, showers, driving certain places, certain topics of conversation/tv/media, contact with particular people) and my warning signs (feeling sick, shaking, can't focus eyes, can't feel hands) and act on doing something grounding as soon as I notice those things. The things I've found so far that help with grounding: holding ice packs, or putting them under my armpits, wrapping up in a blanket, playing with my cats, doing something with my hands (weaving, drawing, painting, knitting), calling my psychologist... that's about it so far. Sometimes they work and delay the dissociation or make it less severe, sometimes it makes no difference. We've only been working on the dissociation for about a month - I refused to speak about it until recently. I feel completely insane though. I'm also keeping a journal tracking dissociative episodes and the last thing I remember before dissociating in the hopes it will help us learn more about the patterns and triggers.... mostly it just makes me feel pretty crap to have to acknowledge how often it is happening. I write a lot in my journal too which helps me feel like things are outside of my head a bit, and it helps me to think through and (try to) make sense of things that are otherwise just jumbled up in my mind.

 

[ladee]

Sounds like you are on top of it! I can imagine how distraught you must feel. Needing things to settle down, somehow, someway.
It took a lot of courage for you to reach out and share.
Just know that you are so much stronger and braver than you think you are.
You are going to make progress. Because you are fighting so hard!
Just keep sharing and know we are hearing you.
Setting quietly with you supporting you.

 

[Teamwork]

Have same thing so the thing that works is the statement that no one no matter what can harm the body unless the anp or main says so. Send the message inside. For compassion similar is to send reassurance inside and say I know you're feeling upset and want to relieve it the way you think is best but if you wait and let me work on getting us help and better ways it will feel better soon, or something along the lines of what you would say to a friend or young teen going through it.