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General Pretty depressed and venting

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southwest

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Feeling incredibly depressed my girlfriend or I guess now ex has ghosted me for 6 weeks now. The last things we said to each other was I love you. I texted her a few times and never heard anything. The only thing remotely close was she view my Facebook story.

It's ɓeen hard 4 months since she began to pull away and become distant. She told me that she began to feel triggered around me and that she needed space and wanted sex off the table. Things never got better even though we agreed to work on being more intimate. After some time of no work I asked her about her thoughts on starting it. All she could tell me is her sub conscious kept putting more space between us.

As the weeks wore on and we saw less of each other. I was becoming a very small part of her life she was planning trips and activities completely without me. I still tried to support her anyway I could and she just kept insisting I would be the same as her exs and her abusers. I never once did that to her. The closest I got to pushing her boundaries was asking her to communicate the problem after her being distant for weeks and only telling me "theirs a problem but I don't want to talk about it"

I feel very cheated by life I guess and frustrated with her. I love her and only want what is best for her.

I also feel like I was walking on eggshells this whole relationship and thier was no win for me since I'm just human and don't always act perfectly and have my own feelings.

I'm frustrated because she said I'm amazing and didn't want to lose me but still pulled away and ghosted me.
 
I'm frustrated because she said I'm amazing and didn't want to lose me but still pulled away and ghosted me.
Just because someone can’t afford to buy the Porsche they want doesn’t mean that the car itself isn’t amazing, nor that they wouldn’t looooove to be driving it. They simply can’t make it work in their lives right now.

It doesn’t matter how brilliant, kind, sexy, funny, strong, exciting, creative, amazing you are… when the person you want to be with? Can’t handle being in a relationship, they simply can’t make it work in their lives, right now.

That’s them. Even though it hurts you.
 
Friday is absolutely right. Read Friday's post again and let it sink in.

It's like a person with a sprained ankle at the basketball court. They want to be included and play with their friends and feel alive again, so they push themselves to get out there. They try to play through the pain, but they can't, and at some point they have to sit. Their teammates can be as supportive as possible, but support doesn't cure the ankle. They go sit alone and tell the others to play on. No use in other players missing out. No use to sit and talk about the ankle.

Every time she sees your name in her phone, it's a reminder that she can't play basketball. That in itself can be very painful and make people ghost.'

I once ghosted a boyfriend when he was in the hospital for a car accident. True story. Faced with the notion of checking on his recovery and sounding like I cared, that made my skin crawl. Then I felt like a bad person and decided he'd be better off without me.
 
Just because someone can’t afford to buy the Porsche they want doesn’t mean that the car itself isn’t amazing, nor that they wouldn’t looooove to be driving it. They simply can’t make it work in their lives right now.

It doesn’t matter how brilliant, kind, sexy, funny, strong, exciting, creative, amazing you are… when the person you want to be with? Can’t handle being in a relationship, they simply can’t make it work in their lives, right now.

That’s them. Even though it hurts you.
Thank you for the reply. It definitely helps to have it put into that respective.

I also after thinking more about it I'm not necessarily frustrated with her but more so the trauma or situation. I love her deeply and it was hard not only to lose her but also watch her struggle with this.

Friday is absolutely right. Read Friday's post again and let it sink in.

It's like a person with a sprained ankle at the basketball court. They want to be included and play with their friends and feel alive again, so they push themselves to get out there. They try to play through the pain, but they can't, and at some point they have to sit. Their teammates can be as supportive as possible, but support doesn't cure the ankle. They go sit alone and tell the others to play on. No use in other players missing out. No use to sit and talk about the ankle.

Every time she sees your name in her phone, it's a reminder that she can't play basketball. That in itself can be very painful and make people ghost.'

I once ghosted a boyfriend when he was in the hospital for a car accident. True story. Faced with the notion of checking on his recovery and sounding like I cared, that made my skin crawl. Then I felt like a bad person and decided he'd be better off without me.
Thank you for that reply and as I mentioned to Friday, after thinking more about it I'm not frustrated with her more so the situation and trauma.

I deeply love her and want what's best. It was not only hard to lose her but more importantly it was harder to watch her struggle with it and see in her eyes she wanted to be with me but the trauma was just not allowing it.

It's definitely hard and feel a bit of jealous feelings arise around the idea of bad timing for us and that if we had met at a different time things might have been different. But unfortunately more than likely her mind will always have a dark cloud associated around me.
 
@southwest I share similar experiences with you. It's not easy and I am still learning how to move on while I still love him deeply. But just know you aren't alone.

and sorry to interrupt your post - I have a question that I would like to ask @RachelBigby, my ex has ghosted me when I was in hospital, may I ask why it made you feel difficult to face the situation?
 
@D-sweet it was the thought of being called upon to show emotional support. I was 23 back then, and emotional situations were awkward. I just didn't care about other people's problems. I avoided him for a few days, then I felt bad about that, so I just didn't call again.
 
It's like a person with a sprained ankle at the basketball court. They want to be included and play with their friends and feel alive again, so they push themselves to get out there. They try to play through the pain, but they can't, and at some point they have to sit. Their teammates can be as supportive as possible, but support doesn't cure the ankle. They go sit alone and tell the others to play on. No use in other players missing out. No use to sit and talk about the ankle.
This is brilliant!!!!
And yep - describes how I feel a lot of the time
 
Did you ever feel the want to go back to any of these people later on and try again?
Nope.

There were times I wanted my whole LIFE back, that I’d walked away from, that’s when I learned to start taking vacations, instead of being done; but purely the fact that my being done included them? (Or worse, was because of them)? Disincluded my ever wanting to get back together with them. Because we’d tried that, and it didn’t work.

If my first instinct isn’t “Come with me”? I don’t view that person as a real partner, or potential partner. I can care for them, even love them, but when my instinct was to leave them behind, rather than take them with me? I trusted my instincts.

((The only time I ignored every instinct I had was with my exHusband, and that went so badly I’m disinclined to ever ignore my instincts, again.))
 
Speaking for myself... I harbor regret about cutting off siblings, but not friends. I tried once or twice to reconnect after a door slam, and it didn't work out. People move on with their lives. The vibe changes. Factors that pushed me away are still present. However, there was never a guy I really loved, so it never hurt too much. Your results may vary with your lady friend.

That boy I ghosted was 20 years ago, and I still don't actually feel bad about it.
 
Did you ever feel the want to go back to any of these people later on and try again?
I think it depends on why I ghosted.

If I was angry at them? nope - never crosses my mind because they are dead to me. Dead as in to recontact them would require actually digging up their grave (even if the graveyard is only in my mind) I may think of them here and there, and maybe make some excuses for their behavior, but contacting them again wouldn't even cross my mind. And by angry I'm not saying they did anything to deserve it. I mean that I am angry and I'm associating the emotion with the person.

If I was running because of my own issues? Ya, that's more complicated. (LOL and now I'm trying to figure out why!)
Embarrassment/shame? -- they got to see a side of me I try to hide so I wouldn't reach out
Forgot they exist in my world? Ya, that happens sometimes, when there is just a big emotional blank in my brain. I don't think about people I care about, because that attaches to an emotion and I forget the emotion. Ergo - I forget the person.
Easier to keep ghosting? Yep. that's a biggie. Doesn't matter if I care or not - what matters is the amount of energy I would have to expend trying to answer all the (totally natural) questions about what happened so I wouldn't reach out.

Ya, that last one is probably the one I run up against most often.
Sorry - I don't mean this to be discouraging but I think it's important to remember that many of us dont have the kind of emotions "normies" do. The ability to disconnect from emotions saved many of our lives, so it's second nature. A big part of my therapy has been trying to learn how to release them without automatically assuming it will get me killed. And I don't mean that euphemistically - It's what I believed for a long time. And that's been after YEARS of therapy.

If my first instinct isn’t “Come with me”? I don’t view that person as a real partner, or potential partner. I can care for them, even love them, but when my instinct was to leave them behind, rather than take them with me? I trusted my instincts.
omg I had never thought about it this way but YES! I even put our house up for sale without consulting hubby - because I assumed he was coming with me 😄

That boy I ghosted was 20 years ago, and I still don't actually feel bad about it.
ya -- this is the sad part. Even when I know it hurt them I don't regret it.
 
Easier to keep ghosting? Yep. that's a biggie. Doesn't matter if I care or not - what matters is the amount of energy I would have to expend trying to answer all the (totally natural) questions about what happened so I wouldn't reach out.

This. So much this.
 
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