Sufferer Previous Depression, Mother Murdered, Can't Seem To Find Myself Anymore....

[~Cat75~]

Hi,

Well, the title is the short version, but it speaks volumes.

I have always battled with depression (father=jerk), which of course led to relationship problems and me spending many years (about 15) in a relationship with a bipolar alcoholic drug addict. My son's father. Total piece of crap, and I cannot believe I spent so much time trying to "fix" us.

Mother (not biological, but she is my mom. Raised me and loved me as her own since I was 5), convinced me to come home, opened her doors to me and my son until I could get back on my feet after moving home from 2 states away. Murdered almost 1 year to the day after I moved in with her. Murdered by her ex-boyfriend in a fit of jealous rage. Stabbed 35-40 times. Dead.

Me=lost. I have always struggled with depression and self esteem issues, but PTSD brings a whole new color to my world now. I overreact, am sabotaging what has the potential to be a lifelong beautiful relationship with a man I love dearly. I am edgy, pissed off, depressed (it affects me daily and is drastically effing with my quality of life), basically screaming inside. Trust issues (hah, no surprise), and I just am NOT who I used to be. I spent the whole year with my Mom putting myself back together. I had made progress emotionally with self esteem and depression, and became a much stronger person. Then, she was killed. And, here I am. No insurance, no money for a therapist, left to sort this out on my own.

I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I know I can overcome this, but I just hope I can before I lose/ruin/chase away/destroy the only few things that are good in my life.

But, besides the real reason why I am here, I am single mother to a 15 year old boy. My boyfriend and I live together and have been dating for almost 2 years. I work for his catering company and am attending college, knocking out pre-requisites/gen. ed. at the moment.

Nice to meet all of you. I hope we can all find peace.

CAT75

 

[LittleBear]

I have been on this forum about all of two days and already it has helped me more than a year of meds and several weeks of licensed therapy. It's nice to find out you're normal when you think you're nuts!:)

You, (third-person), can not know how a broken leg feels unless you have experienced it. Otherwise, most council is actually conjecture. Many people here have had those broken legs and some several times so they have a very personal concept of a fellow forum member's concerns and yes...confusion.

The nice thing is that you can express your concerns 24/7 and many folks understand not only from compassion but having been through near mirror image events.

I send understanding...best wishes and peace.

LittleBear

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Cat75,

I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I am glad you have some good things in your life. I know for me, what is most important to my partner is that he knows I will work on my issues, and do everything I can with the things that affect me now and in our relationship. I can relate to you also since I am a single parent with a teenager as well.

I am sorry you have no therapist, I wonder if maybe there are some support groups in your area you could attend? I have had some really excellent experiences in group therapy (some bad, but that was mostly when I was young, overall, they have been very good). Maybe you can find something specific to trauma or abuse. I've found ACOA to be extremely helpful, and the group I was in you could talk about anything, and it was very safe and accepting. Or, if nothing else, try Al Anon. I've experimented with a number of groups and many of them I didn't find that helpful but there were at least 2 where I felt the dynamic was helpful to my healing, and I see no reason why you could not discuss your mother's death there since it was she who helped you to recover from your experiences. I have heard of people losing family members and discussing it there. But I have also attended a variety of other groups, all of which were free, or a donation of whatever you could afford (and nothing was OK too). And I think (where I live any way) there are groups for loss and grieving as well. Just a thought, because I really feel for you trying to deal with all that alone.

Welcome to the forums, and thanks for the welcome you gave me :)

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum Cat...

Sorry you had to endure that horrific incident with your mother being stabbed. There are just some really messed up people in this world.

 

[~Cat75~]

Thank you all for your warm welcomes :)

LittleBear, it certainly makes sense that this would be a good place to come, and I think the "broken leg" analogy fits. So many people cannot understand trauma until they have gone through it themselves. So many people treat me like I should be over it by now. They don't understand because they haven't been in these crappy shoes. I look forward to the help and healing that could come from being here :)

Phoenix-Rising, thank you for the ideas with the support groups and such. I will definitely look into those. I guess the hard part is actually getting myself to leave the house to go to one. I went to 1 support group for homicide survivors a few weeks after my moms murder. I think it was a bad experience for me. All of these people who had been there (some for 4-10years) were still angry, hurt and in tears, and it just made me feel like I was never going to recover. If they could still be hurting this long after, what's it going to be like for me? You know? I get locked into these modes of solitude and depression and just getting off the couch to go check the mail takes all I have. I will never heal unless I force myself, so I will do so!

I am glad you have a supportive partner. Mine is, to a point. I just feel like I am polluting him with all of my "bad". I feel like his patience is wearing thin, and ever since my mom's murder, I feel like nothing will surprise me, and I am just waiting for something crappy to happen all of the time :-( I do not want to lose him, but I hate that he is having to deal with this. I feel like I don't deserve his patience, because I can hardly stand myself as it is. I want so badly to ask him why he hasn't given up on me. I feel like I have given up on me.

Anthony, thank you for the welcome :) And, yes, there are some messed up people in this world, and unfortunately they can be the people you would least expect.

Thanks for listening to me rant, and I will definitely check into some support groups. :)

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi,

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

I too struggle with getting myself out of the house these days, and go through the same things. Right now it is like the only way I get things done is if I am forced to do so. When I do, it is like a big accomplishment, like taking my daughter and her friend out to the mall yesterday. I can't do more than 1 thing a day, and when I do, I often need the next day to recover.

I also have some understanding of what you are feeling with your partner. Mine was supportive at the beginning, and is now, so far, but for a long time I felt like every time I would go through something it became about him. He would take my triggers personally, and I'd end up trying to fix HIS emotional state, and it wasn't like I had any control over my triggers.

Even when that doesn't happen, he gets frustrated and upset because he feels like he is paying the price for someone else's behaviour, and that that person should not be in "our" relationship. He hates the fact that we can be having a perfectly good time, and he says something or does something, that he has no idea is going to upset me (and neither do I, usually) and next thing he knows I am in tears or a low mood. He doesn't like having that effect, causing me pain, or how the whole emotional tone will completely and suddenly change. For my part, I always feel guilty, and bad about how it hurts him as well as me, because I know it makes him feel bad when he hurts me, (which isn't actually HIM hurting me, but it feels that way to him) and often end up in a place where I have to choose to hurt myself or hurt him, neither of which is much of a choice. Like for instance in some cases, I know that if I do not do what I am really not feeling like I can do, he has a sleep disorder and he will end up being unable to sleep, and he has chronic fatigue and muscle pain. So the whole next day could be really bad for him. These days, we are just honestly communicating to one another how we feel about this type of thing, and it works a lot better. I am trying not to be afraid to be honest out of fear of hurting him (which he wants me to do), and he is honest with me about the difficulties he goes through on the other side.

So, it's not all rosy or anything, we do have issues around it too. It's hard for him to understand what I go through, even when I try to explain it to him. But I feel a lot more supported now than I have in a long time, because he has been making some changes as well to be a better partner. I know your issues are different with mine, but I think every couple that has at least one person with PTSD goes through some version of this.

Anyway... Just wanted you to know you aren't alone, I go through those things too.

 

[Elisacullen21]

Big welcome to the forum and I hope you find some hope and support here.

Kisses for you :)

 

[Pippi]

Cat75,

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry about what happened to your mother. One of my closest friends lost her brother in a similar manner this year and she, too, is struggling with the same questions you are asking here: how long will I be grieving? Will this ever end? I think it's important to be kind to yourself and to provide yourself with enough outlets for grieving. A support group could be the right place to let that out. It is important that you create a space for yourself where you can discuss these issues with people who understand. Joining this forum was a good first step. :)

I can relate, as I'm sure many others here do, to your relationship concerns. I often feel like I am a huge burden on my boyfriend, and that feeling has prevented me from being open with him about what is going on with me. It took me a while to realize that he wants me to share with him and to help me get through whatever issues arise. In a recent therapy session with my boyfriend (our first together), my T told me that, judging from what my bf said, it was obvious that he wants to care for me and be there for me as a supportive partner, so why don't I let him? I said that I don't want to be a burden and that I don't want to be the only one being cared for and supported. I don't want it to always be about me and my problems. My T told me not to be so obsessed with "keeping score" regarding who takes care of whom more, but to allow myself to be open to my bf's care. That session really helped me see that I am not as much of a burden on my bf as I think I am. I am probably more of a burden on myself than anyone else.

One of the things I have learned since joining this forum is that it is common for people with PTSD to feel like they don't deserve their partners. I went through a terribly dark period a couple months ago when I contemplated suicide because I felt like I was damaged beyond repair and that nobody could possibly love someone as messed up as I am. For people like us, who have often been told or shown in the past how unworthy we are of real love, getting past that mindset is a huge challenge.

You are worthy of love. None of what happened to you was your fault. You are incredibly strong for surviving what you have, for raising your son while dealing with all of this, and for seeking help from others. You will overcome this.

Something my therapist taught me that has been extremely helpful in dealing with anxiety, and also calming myself when I feel edgy, angry, or like I'm about to treat someone unfairly due to emotions that have nothing to do with them: breathing. You take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds, then release. By doing this, you train your body to respond to stress by calming itself. It's important to practice deep breathing even when you are not already stressed. That way you will hone it as a tool to use when you need to relax. If you poke around on the forums, you will find other posts with suggestions for stress relief and relaxation. It is important that we all have an arsenal of tools we can use to keep ourselves and our relationships healthy.

All the best!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome! I am so sorry that life has dealt you these huge blows, but you have found a great place to find comfort. It is a journey through the sorrow, but it is worth the work!
May blessings & peace help you find the way to healing! The main thing? Refuse to give up, and learn to accept comfort.
May God bless your home and heart with lots of love!!!

 

[Burke]

Hi Cat75,

I can relate to so many of the things you said. My mother was murdered by my father. However, I was only thirteen when it happened. I also struggle with relationship issues and depression.

We can't give up! I don't know about you, but my two sons have been my motivation to keep going. I think it's great that you are going to college. Keep fighting!

I wish I had some great advice to give you, but I sometimes feel like I am struggling to keep my head above water too. I can tell you that therapy has made a difference for me. I am also learning that having a friend to talk to helps. If you ever want to talk, feel free to send me a private message.