Previous Therapy Experience Hindering Progress

[Lucycat]

I made a decision as an adult to be with her

No you responded as her client. A vulnerable person. She was the person with authority, power, control and ethical guidelines that she very clearly ignored.

The minute she realised she was attracted to you she should have sought guidance and support and terminated your therapy. She was wrong. You were the victim and it is sad that you still don't seem to understand that. Maybe new T will help you to grasp the reality of the situation.

 

[Abstract]

I think you have a lot of work to do on this still which is normal when someone abuses a position of power and authority.

There are certain situations where a person can't willingly agree to a relationship in truth and they are parent and child, any relationship where there is great power differences and also when the peron is a child.

There is good reason for that. When in a postion of vulnerability normal access to decision making is altered and not possible.

I have to admit that every time I see you use the word "relationship" there is a part of me that flinches. Not at you but for you.

Keep speaking about this to your T.

 

[The Albatross]

I think the core issue, correct me if I'm wrong Reds, is that the past events with a therapist is hindering your relationship with this one. Glad to read that you've been able to discuss this with your present T. I have been in situations where I've reported and also others where I've not reported. Not about a therapist, but about other people in authority. Largely, ineffectual and yeah it wounded me.

I had to explore this problem I had with people in authority and "institutions". I think it's better now, though not completely resolved. I do though trend toward reporting and personal responsibility and try to accept that once the right action is taken, I have little if any control over the result or outcome.

 

[Abstract]

Just some food for thought. If it was only the breakup that harmed you and the rest was a normal relationship that you enjoyed and only benefiyted you then the main issue I would imagine you having would be concern that your new T will abandon you.

It wouldn't really worry you that much if you thought she was attracted to you or if you thought a relationship could happen. Just speaking in generalities here and guessing.

However, someone damaged by an innpropriote interaction with a T would have abandonnment issues, trust issues over whether the t had an agenda, fears the T found her attractive or wanted a relationship, may even have triggers related to things from the last T, may also feel she should be attractive to the T to try to please her and almost wish the T was attracted to her whilst not wanting it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

If an abuser was only forceful and/or unpleasant all of the time, they'd soon be caught and be unable to have repeated assess to the victim. Hence, such predators use the concept of intermittent reward combined with manipulating subjective reality.

Then, they continue feeding their narcissistic needs through any means necessary which will keep their victims compliant, defensive, and quiet.

A person who truly cares for and about us has no need to fear what we say to others.

 

[Abstract]

Extremely well said @BloomInWinter. Agreed.

 

[DMerish]

I think the core issue, correct me if I'm wrong Reds, is that the past events with a therapist is hindering your relationship with this one.

Hi Reds - I haven't re-read all of your other posts, but think you essentially wrote ^this^ in one of them. No?

@Abstract, I think that is the problem right there how do I classify it as abuse when I willingly got onto the relationship with her? She didn't force me, I made a decision as an adult to be with her. Maybe I am missing the point.

I think in one (or more) of your other posts that you mentioned your sexual encounters were in her office and/or during scheduled therapy time. Am I mistaken, or did I get that right?

You don't have to classify it as "abuse" - It's a question of ethics. The regulatory board where she practiced has a Code of Ethics. They would determine whether her actions were ethical or not. You made a decision to be with her. You acted on your attraction and you didn't do anything wrong. However, she may have.

When the former T told you the relationship had to end, you were emotionally hurt and "broken" (for lack of better words) to the point of needing to be hospitalized. I don't know whether your former T expressed having concern for you then - whether she stopped by to say "hi", phoned you or sent you a card, etc. Did she? Or has there been entirely no contact between you for the last six years except recently?

Who knows why she's contacting you now after six years? Your former T may have engaged in another therapeutic > conversion to sexual relationship with someone else. Her contacting you may be out of genuine care, curiosity or out of self-interest, i.e. wanting assurance from you (again) that you won't tell because one more person telling might get her licensed pulled.

Drew . . . . sort of feeling like Downer Drew right now :sorry:

 

[fyredrift23]

Hi Reds,

I'm sorry if I'm dragging this out, but I am hoping that you've found some resolution to the problem you posted about here. :sorry:
I'm also sorry that you are having so much trouble trusting your current therapist, particularly due to your past experience with the one who hurt you very much.

What is it about your T that you fear, exactly? Like, how do you think she might hurt you? You mentioned not wanting her to "fall for you," so are you worried about her coming on to you? Are you concerned you may start sharing things with her and she'll turn around and betray your trust in some way?

This is a very big deal, as I'm sure you are well aware, because trust is so pivotal in therapy. The interesting thing to note here, however, is that by you withholding trust in your T, the only person that gets hurt is you. You are the one trying to heal and feel better, and that simply won't happen unless your T can know enough about you to be able to effectively help you through your tough time.

I would certainly advise telling her about your previous sexual experience with your old T and the issues you are now having moving forward with your new T as a result. However, it may be helpful to let her know that you are not interested in reporting your old T at this time (if that is, indeed, how you're feeling). You don't have to take any action against this woman if you do not wish to, however, you really really need to be honest about what happened and how you felt/feel about it and share that with your new T. I can't stress enough how important it is for you to do that. I can imagine that it's very tough, but try not to see yourself as a "victim." Try to remember that you are telling your T so that you can move forward with your therapy and healing process. You would be telling your T for your benefit, not for some arbitrary benefit of humankind or all patients/clients everywhere or something.

You can do it, Reds. We're behind you all the way :tup:

 

[Abstract]

Personally I think this is one time when any contact after she broke it off would be unethical. It would still attach the person to her and although I am not sure I think the guidelines for something like this would officially require zero contact from the T.

That's one of the problems when a T oversteps the line to this extent. It creates huge dependency and leaves the person unable to function without them. That's part of the fix they get from it of course. All that power.

The break up was the ethical part. The so called "relationship" was the abuse of the situation.