Privacy Question

[Snowflakes]

@Rumors As I wrote before, I can't read your profile so I'm writing without knowing your story. I will write this.

I am a supporter for my wife who is suffering a severe case of C-PTSD brought on, in part, by a controlling spouse that sounds remarkably similar to yours.

You should never feel lost.....and tired...and upset due to the controlling actions of another.

Again, I don't know enough to offer you advice other than you need to do whatever is necessary to be able to live a life of happiness and a life that allows you to be you with all the wonderful things that make you....you.

I'm sorry you hurt. I wish I knew what to say to help you more.

 

[Rumors]

@Rumors As I wrote before, I can't read your profile so I'm writing without knowi...

My story isn't unique. I apparently have ptsd from csa and some other random bull that happened in my family. My dad drank a lot and my mom suffered from undiagnosed depression. Later in life, she took antidepressants but never really got any true help for it. She died several years ago. It has been a seemingly long journey down this road and it has taken me a long while to accept that I suffer. I like to stay numb, but clearly I have come out of my fog to find out that I am surrounded by really sick people in my innermost circle. All of this time I have thought that all conflict was because I didn't do enough, wasn't good enough, didn't say the right thing and now I realize no matter what I do, it will never be enough. So, now I am just trying to do the right thing where I can lay my head on the pillow at night and not be the person that is part of the problem instead of the solution.
It's hard...my conflict with my husband is because I won't do what he is asking me to do but it puts me in direct conflict with what I know to be the right thing. I have sincerely expressed this to him and asked him to please understand that, although my dad is in the wrong, I am trying to live the life I would want my son to live as I am his example. My husband continues to dismiss me and insist that I do it his way and give him my dads financial information and allow less ethical venues to solve this internal family issue. It just doesn't feel right to do and I have held my ground but I am pretty tired. This stirs up all of these other issues about being left and feeling not worthy... I feel really stupid for allowing those feelings to creep in but.... Ugh.

 

[Snowflakes]

You are definitely not stupid. From you have written, you are correct. Trust your intuition. And, yes, you will do whatever you need to do for your son. You son deserves a happy Mom.

Take care

 

[scout86]

As for what you should do. First, do what seems right to you. I agree that keeping promises is important. I would assume that your spouse will continue to try to get the information and hire own at
way. IMO, you have no obligation to comply. Put the info out of his reach and keep it there if you don't want him to get at it. Reasoning with someone who's not reasonable rarely works well

They to find some support (like us or someone irl who you trust) do you can get a reality check now & then, because that's not going to come from him.

I'd bet that, down the road, it will probably turn out that there's no way too remodel your marriage into something healthy. You may add well start building some firewalls. (The first 2 things I did were get an email account my ex didn't have access to & a P.O.box so he couldn't get my mail. Next step was to get a credit card in only my name, since I'd never had one & I knew would easier do before i moved out.)

 

[Jane1234]

So, long story short my husband goes behind my back and asks our bookkeeper to go into my private office...

I'm sorry but I have to say its not normal. He seems a bit controlling.....sorry wish I could say something else but its not normal

 

[Twilight]

I am exhausted. I can't even begin to take on my failing marriage at this point in time bc I am dealing...

One thing i will tell you is that there is something called "trauma bonding". He is traumatizing you and the trauma bonding (aka stockholm syndrome) is affecting you so that you cant think clearly. I have been out of my domestic abuse relationship for 15 months and each day my thinking becomes clearer and clearer and the person I thought I loved, I now see as someone who tried to and did destroy me (for the years i was with him). It is so hard to deal with the realisation of what the relationship is all about. My abuser is a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He was not loving me, he was gaining personal satisfaction by making me jump through hoops of power and control. I am so glad I got out, but I had to make a plan ahead of time, esp with finances and a place to live. Because when I made the break with him, he escalated everything beyond belief to the point of threatening my life, stealing my money, and turning my child against me in order to try to regain power. So be aware that if you attempt to get away, IT WILL ESCALATE. It is well worth the effort to get away, but just dont underestimate how he may react to the challenge. It shocked the heck out of me to see this disturbing behavior manifest. I didnt know it was there all along under the surface.

 

[Freedomfighter]

So, long story short my husband goes behind my back and asks our bookkeeper to go into my private office...

Yep, totally agree with snowflakes, he is disturbed, controlling, and if someone is that much interested in money matters that have nothing to do with him: then he is dangerous too.

Anyone that mixes themselves into your private money matters has to be seen as a dangerous person.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

It's hard...my conflict with my husband is because I won't do what he is asking me to do but it puts me in direct conflict with what I know to be the right thing.

I know you are beyond tired, but if you don't stand your ground, and give in, you will think THIS time was easier. If you have to keep the info in a safety deposit box at the bank, and go there whenever you have to manage anything, then do that for your peace of mind. He can't break you down to where you give up and give him the information if it isn't where he can get to it. You are a lot stronger than I could be. He is getting more out of control because you are wising up to his controlling ways. He is afraid of losing that control.

 

[Blue Survivor]

NO that is definitely NOT normal. You are both entitled to privacy.

I wonder: did an old girlfriend cheat on him? I ask because my brother's new wife was cheated on by her ex-husband. As a result anytime he gets a text or a call she wants to know who it is. Anytime he is out somewhere she calls him with some excuse before grilling him on his whereabouts ("Are you taking the garbage out when you get home or should I do it now? Okay. Oh, when are you coming home? Who is with you? Where are you exactly?"). That is their relationship and my brother is okay with his wife doing these things so I stay out of it even though I think it is unfair for her to 'punish' him for her ex-husband's infidelity.

And your father's financials are your father's business, not your husbands unless your father passes away and leaves money to the two of you. Then his financials are BOTH of your business. Another quick brother story: my brother and his ex-wife asked my parents to borrow money and my parents said they could not do it. Could they afford the loan - yes. But my brother and his ex had borrowed money three times before and not repaid my parents, so would would blame for not wanting to loan them money a fourth time? The ex-wife's cousin worked at HSBC (my parents' bank at the time). The ex-wife asked her cousin to look up my parents' accounts and tell her how much was in there and the cousin actually did it. Completely unprofessional and disrespectful, so I know how your father must feel about your husband peering into his books!