Problems with T... again!

[ILoveLife]

Thanks Chrissy :)

noped out

gonna start using this expression :roflmao:

 

[Missycat]

I agree with @blackemerald1 and you are right to ditch this t, if its not working for you and you dont feel she’s listening to you or willing to take on feedback then it sounds as tho the relationship is broken. Put your effort in to someone that is willing to hear your needs and work with you. At first i wondered whether her comment re making your mum breakfast was her being humerous then i figured its irrelevent anyway cos it was completely inappropriate.
I hope you are able to find someone who fits well with you. All the best.

 

[ILoveLife]

At first i wondered whether her comment re making your mum breakfast was her being humerous then i figured its irrelevent anyway cos it was completely inappropriate.

I actually told my mom about it, like laughing. She thought it was histerical.
But I don't think T meant it as a joke. She has the whole "forgive everyone" thing that I don't think serves me any purpose.

I can have a good relationship with my mother, without resentment, and not forgive what she did at the same time. Takes a bit of mental gymnastics but well..

Thanks @Missycat

 

[shimmerz]

I have ditched a few therapists along the way. Certainly ones that are invalidating. I have been a director of my own healing as well. Because at the end of the day, they don't occupy my head or body - and I have no interest in trying to figure out wtf my t is doing if it is rubbing me the wrong way or causing me angst. i have enough problems and my T, in my opinion, is meant to help me heal - not take up space in my head with conflict or whatever.

Good job. I hope you can find a T that is more suitable for you. I believe that no T at all is better than a bad T, but that a T is necessary when working through trauma. Best of luck.

 

[ILoveLife]

Thanks @shimmerz :)

 

[grit]

Hi Sietz

I would like to take a different direction with your post.

First I do not know what your trauma is (one or few events or childhood) because that itself makes a huge difference.

Secondly, you mentioned something about your mother doing something in the past but now you are close and you have only resentment toward her...that to me (my traumatic ears) sounded the most minimisation of trauma if I ever heard one. It sort of reminded me a writer from NYT named Daphne something who has been in therapy for like 50 yrs due to her mother issue but would always say yet my mother is my bff or something like that. It was just very interesting you want to deal with your mother issue but yet you only have resentments....if they so small and inconsequential, why not let them go? because they are not, I inferred.

I think that state of "denying" the impact that person had/still have on you BECAUSE you "prefer" to have certain feelings about the person today can be extremely detrimental to any therapy. I feel you are super conflicted and maybe in emotional dissonance situation. Basically you are saying, I want to have my hand in the fire, while you put off the fire and the fire will come back and you keep doing it. You do not want to be safe. For whatever reasons, you do not want to also really dissect the relationship with your mother either. This gives nothing for most therapist to work on. Maybe be flexible with what you think your issues are. Maybe your issues are not visible to you anymore because you are set on what you 'belief". I have had similar attitude and until I loosened the "iron trap", did my world started to sing!

The amount of resistance you have in your real life to your real issues is similar to the amount of the resistance you are bringing to the therapist. PLUS, you find a therapist who is cookie cutter. sorry about that.

But you are not feeling safe, because you do not know what that even means. You only know the absence of safety but yet you feel know your issues. maybe you know one layer but you may not know the 10th layer that shows up before you say a word...only another person can pick it up and send it back to you...therapist, friend, your mother etc. There are sides of us that show up when in relationships.


Safety is really a big deal for PTSD. I never knew until I knew! but I can say this....YOU DO NOT DETERMINE IT. It just happens. If you could determine it....we would all pick safety like yesterday.

It has to happen. But you do not put yourself in situation that will promote and nurture safety in and outside of therapy. And again, this therapist is not the right one because even if you are this much in control of your issues and life, there are therapist who can work with you in your own way. Just this one is not.

I hope my words reach you with the intention I meant. I am learning also how not to be too direct with my words.....baby steps.

If my post makes no sense to you, I am sorry about that too.

Sincerely.

 

[ILoveLife]

Wow @grit... I appreciate you, but honestly, if you don't know please don't assume.
You are welcome to read my diary from the beginning and see the issues, they're all there.

sounded the most minimisation of trauma if I ever heard one

I certainly don't minimise it, I'm just aware I don't live in that past anymore and things are different. She made amends, even if she still has issues.

For whatever reasons, you do not want to also really dissect the relationship with your mother either.

Why would you assume this?

In any case, I appreciate your insights all the time.
Thank you for answering with your thoughts.

 

[grit]

Wow @grit... I appreciate you, but honestly, if you don't know please don't assume.
You are welcome to read my diary from the beginning and see the issues, they're all there.


I certainly don't minimise it, I'm just aware I don't live in that past anymore and things are different. She made amends, even if she still has issues.


Why would you assume this?

In any case, I appreciate your insights all the time.
Thank you for answering with your thoughts.

Hi sietz,

I am sorry I did not read your background. It is not easy to find a perfect therapy regardless of what our issues are.

I was more pointing out that if you know and aware of issues. And how to deal with it, then you may not be open to be influenced by others.

Therapists are human and can only mix what you bring to make a new drink. If you stand firm about what you believe to be your issues but that is not what comes out with any new person, then you may be closing doors.

Everybody brings different side of us.

Hope you find the right one.

 

[ILoveLife]

Therapists are human and can only mix what you bring to make a new drink. If you stand firm about what you believe to be your issues but that is not what comes out with any new person, then you may be closing doors.

Everybody brings different side of us.

That's true. I've decided to talk to her first, and then depending on her answers I'll see what comes out of it.

I'm confused though, and just woke up from a nap so don't know how to speak yet.

Thanks @grit

 

[bhm]

I've come to the realisation that it's 1/3 my problem, 1/3 not enough actual education in the areas I need in my country, 1/3 T's problems.

I'm upset with a lot of things in therapy, and am trying to figure out if I should continue or not.
It's the 3 month mark now, and at the end of the first month I made a post here on which folks suggested I need to feel safe in therapy in order to be able to trust T and the process. I still don't feel safe in there.

I feel she's too invasive, too sure of her assumptions, too condescending, she doesn't really understand the symptoms I have and even flat out told me I wasn't dissociating when I clearly was. Saying it like this, I figure the first line of thought is: Ok, Sietz, time to move on to a new one.

But... at the same time, we're working some difficult things, so I think I do want to run away from it too, it's not just her.

I think there's this generalised approach Ts use that usually work for people, that isn't working for me.
I have clear goals for what I want from therapy, how I want to do it and what should it look like, mostly because her suggestions seem to fall short on my actual needs, for instance the hypnotherapy bit.

She did something last month that upset me a lot, led me to lie to her and burry it. I created a safe space inside myself years ago, and she wants to know the details of it, to be welcomed in it. My first thought was "Well, no. f*ck you lady"... but I didn't say it.
Then she said it's the patient's obligation to trust their Ts. I don't think trust is an obligation, I think you earn it. If I sense it as an obligation, for sure what will happen is that trust will never occur.

Plus, she's trying this fluffy version of my relationship with my mother that just doesn't represent reality. My mom did a lot of shit when I was growing up, she's different now though and we actually have a good relationship, but there is a lot of resentment inside me still - I wanted to deal with that. Her solution? Cook my mom breakfast every morning. :rolleyes:

It all seems stupid to be honest. My head keeps saying the word stupid regarding this therapy.

Sorry for the long text.
Anyone has any thoughts if I'm thinking correctly and it's time to shop around?
Or if I'm finding flaws because I want to avoid dealing with the hard stuff?

Thanks :)

Clinicians are just as weird as we are and like anything eles some are better than others at gaining trust and understanding the people they're working with, I agree trust is earned not granted, 3 months is piss in the bucket to develop a relationship with someone, maybe addressing that point with them would be helpful, that maybe you don't necessarily not trust them but not ready to grant access, and by demanding trust is pushing you away, another technique clinicians will employ, as every individual is unique and the worst thing they can do is make assumptions is pop up random fly balls to see your reaction to gauge where your head is at, sometimes leading the individual to find there own proper solutions to a given situation instead of trying to lead them to something they may think is appropriate but may not be for the individual, we have to remember they are learning as much or more from us as we are from them, walk gently and stay aware, if you continue to feel your person isn't right for you then put in for someone new, we don't have to really personally like or agree with with our workers all the time but if the match ain't there it's not going to help anyone, maybe give them some time and see how it goes after addressing a couple of things with them? If we don't tell them how we feel about how therapy is going they don't know. Good luck, I'm having issues with my person lately too and it's seriously f*cking with my head, I feel for ya.

 

[Friday]

If they were a professor, would I take another class from them, or not?

 

[ILoveLife]

If they were a professor, would I take another class from them, or not?

Probably not.
Good question.