Problems with T... again!

[ILoveLife]

I've come to the realisation that it's 1/3 my problem, 1/3 not enough actual education in the areas I need in my country, 1/3 T's problems.

I'm upset with a lot of things in therapy, and am trying to figure out if I should continue or not.
It's the 3 month mark now, and at the end of the first month I made a post here on which folks suggested I need to feel safe in therapy in order to be able to trust T and the process. I still don't feel safe in there.

I feel she's too invasive, too sure of her assumptions, too condescending, she doesn't really understand the symptoms I have and even flat out told me I wasn't dissociating when I clearly was. Saying it like this, I figure the first line of thought is: Ok, Sietz, time to move on to a new one.

But... at the same time, we're working some difficult things, so I think I do want to run away from it too, it's not just her.

I think there's this generalised approach Ts use that usually work for people, that isn't working for me.
I have clear goals for what I want from therapy, how I want to do it and what should it look like, mostly because her suggestions seem to fall short on my actual needs, for instance the hypnotherapy bit.

She did something last month that upset me a lot, led me to lie to her and burry it. I created a safe space inside myself years ago, and she wants to know the details of it, to be welcomed in it. My first thought was "Well, no. f*ck you lady"... but I didn't say it.
Then she said it's the patient's obligation to trust their Ts. I don't think trust is an obligation, I think you earn it. If I sense it as an obligation, for sure what will happen is that trust will never occur.

Plus, she's trying this fluffy version of my relationship with my mother that just doesn't represent reality. My mom did a lot of shit when I was growing up, she's different now though and we actually have a good relationship, but there is a lot of resentment inside me still - I wanted to deal with that. Her solution? Cook my mom breakfast every morning. :rolleyes:

It all seems stupid to be honest. My head keeps saying the word stupid regarding this therapy.

Sorry for the long text.
Anyone has any thoughts if I'm thinking correctly and it's time to shop around?
Or if I'm finding flaws because I want to avoid dealing with the hard stuff?

Thanks :)

 

[Teasel]

Your objections sound reasonable to me. Have you worked with other therapist's ok? Felt they understood trauma ok?

 

[ILoveLife]

Have you worked with other therapist's ok? Felt they understood trauma ok?

I've worked with them okay, followed their lead - not always with best results, once leading to retraumatization. Kinda lost trust in trauma therapy because of that, but kept pushing through.

I really don't think they understand trauma all that well, none of the therapists I've had therapy with at least.
I always end up having to explain too much of what should be on every psychology degree, in my opinion.
Hence me thinking there isn't enough education here for my issues.

 

[Teasel]

You might be right. I know I've had T's where no matter how much I tried to explain things they didn't get it. And I think those T's didn't really have training in trauma.

 

[ILoveLife]

Yeah... I'm not sure she does either. There's a thing here where they put fake credentials up, and tell clients they're equipped to deal with it.
I'm not sure if it's for the money or whatever, but to be quite honest it's dangerous as hell.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Oh wow, she sounds really challenging.

I'd be at the same point as you - thinking about whether to ditch this therapist.

I guess I too would be questioning "how much of this issues is "my" issue" and whether this challenge is an "opportunity for growth"... and yeah, it could be... I guess you could try spelling it out to her really clearly WHAT YOU NEED and explain to her kindly why her approach is not working for you right now... Sometimes that *is* part of the therapy.

I've certainly had those kind ^^ of impasses with even the best T's I've had, the ones I've trusted implicitly.

They are not mind-readers and it's sometimes hard for them to intuit correctly, what the patient needs.

And I think it's sort of a 50/50 thing... Half of the time they need to HEAR what the patient is actually SAYING... But because most patients CAN'T verbalise a lot of what they are going through at any given time, the other half of the therapy process *is* the therapist guessing and intuiting, IMO.

I guess it's sort of half a relationship between equals, but also half a kind of parent-child or teacher-student relationship, which has an inherent imbalance.

So I would say that her "guessing" at the right approach is not necessarily a bad thing, as such, even if her guess is pretty far off the mark at the moment.

Maybe if you really, really clearly give her the information she's missing, she will start guessing/ intuiting that half of the therapy work better?

I would say that it's definitely worth a TRY.

Cos, if she keeps going like this, it sounds like therapy's not going to work very well and you will end up looking for a new T anyway.

If you risk it and try telling her what you need, loudly and clearly enough for her to HEAR it, one of three things can happen:
1) Either she gets it and adjusts her therapy style and the situation improves
2) She gets it but tells you that's not how she can work with you, hence you need to look for a new T
3) She doesn't get it, hence you need to make the decision to find a new T

I do see a chance for growth in this, but I would say it's about voicing your needs until you feel heard...
Not just in trying to "learn to make do" with the situation.

 

[ILoveLife]

I guess it's sort of half a relationship between equals, but also half a kind of parent-child or teacher-student relationship, which has an inherent imbalance.

There's a power dynamic in every relationship, it's up to the two parts to realise either: a) they want to be submissive, b) they want to be dominant, c) neither, and work together. I've laid down boundaries, and she pushes her dominance at every turn. It's not working for me, as I prefer to work together with a mental health practitioner, and not have them assuming from the start I don't know what they're talking about, or what I'm talking about, nor give me information to learn.
She treats me with condescendence, particularly with things and situations she clearly has no sufficiente background of. It's her defense mechanism, nothing to do with me. But I don't think it's a healthy therapeutic dynamic.

Maybe if you really, really clearly give her the information she's missing

I am very clear.

if she keeps going like this, it sounds like therapy's not going to work very well and you will end up looking for a new T anyway.

That's where I'm at, not arriving there in the future. That's the current reality.

but I would say it's about voicing your needs until you feel heard...

That's what I've been doing. Feels like I'm speaking to a wall.

Not just in trying to "learn to make do" with the situation.

? Not what I'm doing at all.

I've made my decision though, I won't continue therapy with her.
I also need the money for work purposes, things are difficult and it has become kind of a luxury, it's about the same amount I'll be spending in my degree, so when my new business is up and running I'll search for a new T.

Thanks :)

 

[piratelady]

It sounds like you've made a sound decision. I definitely agree with you regarding trust - it is not an obligation. I would hope it was poor word choice on her part, but I doubt it.

I am curious about one thing though -

flat out told me I wasn't dissociating when I clearly was. Saying it

Did she say what she thought was going on if it wasn't dissociation?

 

[ILoveLife]

Did she say what she thought was going on if it wasn't dissociation?

Yes, that I was getting tired...
I don't know what she thinks dissociation looks like, though, but I think she should trust me... but yeah, she's not obliged to lol

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @Sietz - good call.

You have given her more than enough time to settle down and develop a therapeutic relationship and plan with you and it isn't working - at least not well enough for you right now.

Bottom line - you don't trust her and that is critical to ptsd therapy.

So saving your money for now sounds practical.

Btw her idea of making your mother breakfast is not helpful and sounds condescending. She doesn't appear to fully appreciate the type of difficulties you have had in the past with your mother and how your relationship has evolved.

Good luck with your University studies. :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

You have given her more than enough time to settle down and develop a therapeutic relationship and plan with you and it isn't working - at least not well enough for you right now.

That's it, exactly.
And then I think.. "Well, maybe it's me. I get on the this-is-not-working train and give up".. but I haven't given up. I just don't think it's a right fit.

And thanks :hug:

 

[Chris-duck]

It doesn't sound like you've given up. You've given a few reasons up there for why it's not working and I think they sound valid. It's been 3 months and you don't feel like it's a good fit, that's a reasonable call to make. And you've thought about it, you've not just noped out after a hard session or something.