Problems with teen daughter - mom with ptsd

[Beemo3780]

I have raised my now teen daughter since she was a baby, mostly on my own. The most help I've gotten when was I got remarried, my husband is an amazing step-dad. I've chosen to work from home over the years to be able to be around all the time for her. I've made sure she has a good life, and she's privileged. She has more opportunities than most kids do, she's had a better childhood than I did, and I think that's where I screwed up as a parent. I've been so worried about making sure she doesn't have to deal with the things I have. But she does have a violent father that tried to kill her mother. And I don't know how I could've stopped that, but I blame myself for all of the issues that occurred with her father. If I were stronger, none of that would've happened. I would've been a better mother to her.

She's a good kid, but she has a lot of the same qualities her father has. She has a ferocious temper that scares me, and she's been in therapy but won't acknowledge it. She lies, a lot. To the point where I have found myself in bad situations because of her lies. She says really awful things to me. She's really manipulative, and I'm not sure if that's just a teen thing or if it's another one of her father's qualities. She wants nothing to do with me a lot of the time, when I'm trying to get her to do fun things with me, which I still do even though she says no most of the time. I love her to pieces, but sometimes she makes it really hard.

I've had a really rough weekend, my mother in law visited and that was really awful, and then my aunt died on Sunday. But all the meanwhile, I was making sure my daughter could keep her plans with her friends because she has to fly to see her father in a week. I asked her to help with dishes, she threw a fit that it was disgusting. I asked her if she could come shopping with me, she whined and then played video games instead all day. I took her to lunch after school today, and in the drive thru, she started screaming at me because she didn't know what she wanted. Then we get home, and I had my hands full, and she just stood there holding the door wide open and watched as our new puppy slowly walked out the front door. I had to drop everything and chase him outside. I kept telling her to grab him, instead she just started yelling at me and moved out of the way. So my lunch ended up all over the front porch and both me and my dog got covered in Sprite that spilled everywhere.

I got upstairs and heard her in her room talking to a friend on the phone about me. She said that I expect too much from her. Which she doesn't do any chores, and I was taking care of my mother and the house at her age. She said she hates the dog, so I'm pretty sure now she was hoping he would run away.

It's been "I love you, Mommy" when she wants something from me, and then she complains to her friends when she doesn't get her way. She has two friends that follow me on instagram that call me her "cool" mom, but she rolls her eyes.

I don't know what to do anymore, and I kinda feel like she's heading down a bad path, because she has a hard time getting along with new people because of her attitude. I worry that she's got the same personality disorder her father has. But she could just be a teenager and since I didn't have a normal childhood I don't know the difference. She fights with me all the time about every little thing, it's exhausting.

This is mostly me venting... But I dunno, maybe someone has advice about teen daughters? Does it get better???

 

[Neverthesame]

She lies, a lot. To the point where I have found myself in bad situations because of her lies.

She says really awful things to me.

I asked her to help with dishes, she threw a fit that it was disgusting

May I ask how you respond to her when she does things like what I quoted above?

 

[EveHarrington]

Does she have consequences for not doing things?

Does she earn her privileges?

Do you give her firm boundaries?

The "cool mom" comment can say a lot, unfortunately.

Maybe she needs to be told to do things, not simply asked?

 

[LuckiLee]

Alot of Mom's and teen daughter's don't get along. I argued with my Mom through those years. Didn't get along with her till I moved out. Dad was the disciplinarian, what he said was law. Maybe your hubby could be involved a little bit more. Does she listen to him?

Good luck!

 

[Beemo3780]

I do set rules and she has consequences, which she does follow the rules, but she doesn't seem to care about what happens when she doesn't do something. She gets great grades, and is preparing for college. She wants to get a job in the area to save up for her own car. It's really just the respect aspect of me. My husband is involved (she calls him "dad") and he will call her out when she's nasty to me. She gives him an attitude too, but she will listen to him more so over me. When she's done things wrong, I take her electronics away. When she talks badly to me, I have told her not to talk to me like that, and if we are out doing something, I take her right back home.

I'm not a person who yells, or gets angry, I just get hurt. That's really my problem more than anything.

She doesn't do chores at all, and that has been a huge issue over the years. I have made charts and divided up house work between all of us in the past, I have directly told her to do things, she refuses. She'll even go so far to skip events with her friends or at school if I tell her she can't go until she does whatever I've asked. She won't touch dishes because she says it's gross, she does her own laundry but won't fold towels and put them away. I tried showing her how to mow the lawn once, she started doing figure 8s in the lawn and then ran over a branch and broke the lawn mower. But then if I really start to harp on it, she will tell her father (who lives in another state with his mother and doesn't have any custody at all) that I'm forcing her to do chores, and he starts a bunch of drama.

So with my husband working 12-14 hours a day, and me running a business from home, I end up doing all the housework, taking care of the pets, running my business, making dinner, taking care of the landscape outside, it's gotten insanely exhausting.

When I grew up, I got stuck taking care of a mentally ill mom and my little sister. The only fun I remember having was going to my dad's sister's farm in the summer and staying for a few weeks. I had to clean our house, learn how to cook meals, do laundry, make sure my sister got to school and home ok. Help with homework. And all that care taking has carried on with me into my adult life, because I still do everything and forget that I don't have to. I didn't want her to grow up like that, but there's gotta be some middle ground.

 

[Neverthesame]

she will tell her father (who lives in another state with his mother and doesn't have any custody at all) that I'm forcing her to do chores, and he starts a bunch of drama

What sort of drama?
I'd bet this is a large part of this problem. If you're parenting is being overridden by your ex-husband, something needs to be done about it.

I'm assuming then that since he doesn't have custody, she chooses to go there voluntarily?
Maybe it's time she got a job, so she can pay for the plane ticket?
She doesn't like it? She can do chores.
Catch her on the phone whining to daddy? Unplug the phone.
He calls you? Hang up on him.
He keeps calling? Block his number.
He tries to send money to her? Rip up the cheque, refuse the money order, whatever you need to do. Whatever you do, do not give in, no matter what. If it takes years, so be it.

She doesn't want to do the dishes? Fine, she can eat off dirty plates. She thinks it's gross? She can eat off a napkin then.

Catch her playing video games when she's supposed to be doing chores? Bye, bye Xbox. Keep it till she does what she's told.
Yapping away on the phone? Same thing. Bye, bye phone.

Her behaviour needs to be dealt with, or it's going to get alot worse when she moves out to go to college.
Right now her behaviour is just annoying. But imagine college freedom with someone who doesn't understand consequences. That's scary.

You're the one raising her. If her dad can't be a good influence on her, then he needs to go. When she turns 18, she can seek him out then.
If she really must talk to him? Insist on being there, as well as being on speaker phone or another phone in the house, so you can hear both sides.
She whines about privacy? Nope. Privacy is a privilege a child earns. It's not a right.
The instant you hear anything negative about your parenting methods, click. Call is over.

Just some suggestions for you, in the style my parents raised me. A few of those I learned through experience.
I eventually got my tv back.

After I mowed the lawn.

 

[LuckiLee]

There is a saying...

If your children are mad at you, you're doing something RIGHT!!

 

[Friday]

I'm told teen girls come out of it (the dark side) & things get better at about age 22/23.

(I've got boys, different problems. They cycle through all their hormones every 24 hours, so it's not as holy f*cking shit what the hell happened to you?!?! :eek: As it is with girls. Boys will snap out of hormone fugue later that afternoon. Girls still think the most retarded decision ever is brilliant for weeks. :facepalm: And by the time they realize that maaaaaybe that wasn't the smartest thing to have done? They're all invested in it, now. :banghead: )

Since I left home at 17 & didn't really make friends again with my own mom until 24? I can't really refute that / am solidly smack dab in the middle of that particular statistic.

 

[Beemo3780]

What sort of drama?
I'd bet this is a large part of this problem. If you're parenting is being overridden by your ex-husband, something needs to be done about it.

It is a part of the problem, but everything I can do has been done. I've spent a fortune in court with that man. He attempted to kill me, and that was the last I've ever had contact with him, over 7 years ago. He lives in a different state, has no custody, and does not have to pay for anything, but because of the court system stating that having access to both parents are in the best interest of the child, he was able to get visitation after 4 years. My daughter has to go stay with him for 2 divided up weeks in the summer, and he has a couple holidays. My daughter has had to have scheduled phone calls with him on a regular basis too. I have to pay for all the travel because he doesn't work and lives with his mother. He is not allowed contact with me at all, and is not allowed any where near my home. Instead, all contact has to be through my husband, who is an attorney. This has been limited to only travel arrangements and emergencies though. He's not allowed to ask my husband questions about what goes on in our house. Our custody agreement is very specific and detailed, because my ex has tried to do a bunch of insane things to get around it.

The type of drama he starts is that he will just drag me into court. The man is a sociopath and loves to do things that hurt me. For example, my daughter was mad at me once for taking her Playstation away because her grades were slipping, so when she talked to him on the phone, she lied and said I took her Playstation away so she couldn't specifically play online games with him. He flipped out, and I got a court summons a few days later with a huge long paragraph about how he thought I was preventing him from having a relationship with his daughter. It got thrown out, but my husband and I had to pay for travel up to where my ex lives to appear in court, because he will never file in our state.

I'm so scared of my ex, that sometimes I feel like I have to tip toe around my daughter to keep my ex completely out of my life.

 

[Nessa7]

Does your daughter's therapist have experience working with people with your ex-husband's disorder? There is a teen in my family with a personality disorder. It was very difficult finding someone that could really help. I don't think there was anyone that could honestly describe him as a good kid, so I imagine it would be even more difficult to find a therapist that was willing to do a real assessment.

 

[Beemo3780]

She's just basically a run of the mill child psychologist. My daughter doesn't act out in crazy ways, she's not a threat to herself or anyone else, so when I've tried to get her in to see a behavior specialist, it was quite difficult. Plus with her high grades and academic achievements, people must think I'm crazy when I complain about her attitude. I just worry that she treats me like her father did, and I don't want her acting like that to other people later in life.

 

[Neverthesame]

My daughter doesn't act out in crazy ways, she's not a threat to herself or anyone else,

I'm glad to read this.

people must think I'm crazy when I complain about her attitude.

I don't think you're crazy. Having good grades doesn't make someone an angel. Just good at core academics.