My early childhood from birth to eight was chaotic.. was physically, emotionally, psychologically & sexual abused. I was exploited and neglected, I lived with my 3 younger siblings in my mother's cesspool string of housing trust homes that she only ever spent time in to sleep through endless days. I have some vivid memories, but largely those memories have long been unavailable to me.
My brother and I went to live with our grandparents permanently when I turned eight, grounded community minded people steeped in the church and their family. It was modest, simple living & that's what we needed - I think the memories I still have of my earlier life stand out from the dramatic contrast alone.
I had a lot of therapy in my teenage years, I acquired many life skills that were highly developed in comparison to my peers against the odds. Did well academically, was well liked and admired by those around me. Being hypervigilant in my formative years was a necessity for survival, but in turn became the source of one of my strongest characteristics - an uncanny ability to read others on a multifaceted and deep level, partnered with a sound understanding and compassionate approach towards any person at all. It never occurred to me I could be triggered into a place that compromised my abilities to fulfill my sense of purpose and fail in caring for others... until I became a mother myself.
My children are 4 & 6. I was doing well in being a strong and stable mother for them while their dad was FIFO & I had no family to support me in their care or to offer guidance. But I was very conscientious and read A LOT. Ironically, the only thing that really inhibited my ability to make a complete secure attachment with them was my terror at making a grave parenting mistake unwittingly as a result of my own early experiences with the mother role, so I could never let myself off guard and constantly monitored myself and my children with this poignant anxiety.
Their dad and my then best friend began an intimate relationship right under my nose in our home when the kids were 2&3. I had to discover it by hearing them myself. She then systematically exploited my triggers and a slander campaign alienating me from all the people around me within her influence, pushed me out of our home. She fed him lies and fuelled his anger and hurt to pit against me, to make sure I could not be a threat to her goals. That flared all PTSD and crippled my ability to feel safe or connect with anyone. Isolated myself and the children, who I tried to shield from my anguish by putting on a brave face that would slip with a contrasting surge of energy when I was stretched thin which confused and unsettled them. Detached and calm on the one part, then triggered trauma response on the other. My son has learned maladaptive behaviour based on what I modelled in those heavy times where I was terrified and very alone. I am now doing parallel parent child trauma therapy with him. And there never seems to be an end to the layers.
Realising the affect I had on my children at the peak of my PTSD rampaging, once it began to subside in intensity, cut right to the core of me - I punished and tormented myself with guilt and shame, which just made me worse for another big chunk. I don't know if I will ever stop the pain of acknowledging the damage it caused my children but I'm finally able to conscientiously diminish my reactions in the behaviour that escalates this horrible cycle of damage and detrimental guilt bombarding myself.
My children have taught me more than I could have hoped to learn without them, healed childhood wounds and made me address attachment disorder In The Only Way I Could Facilitate Healing Them. . Through being their mother. I love them with all that I am, and I will never stop trying my utmost to be the parent they need and deserve. I have to constantly remind myself that this is enough, no more can I possibly do.
Long story short ahem.. (sorry bout the heavy outpour ) is that you can believe yourself ready, get a handle on your PTSD symptoms and resolve some of the core issues of your childhood trauma enough to be assured in progressing to parenthood with someone you love and trust. But it is these hardwired internal processes that will come to the fore when parenting confronts you from the opposite side of your traumatised experience with it, and all you can do is prepare best you can . Build a strong social support network, have a good therapist relationship established. We CAN become great parents and raise healthy and balanced children.. though, like the other many aspects of life with PTSD, is tremendously challenging and extensive life long work. Xxx
