Protector Or Co-abuser?

[Little Flower]

I confirmed this weekend that my parents did know their brother-in-law was a child molester and did take me and my siblings to his house and had him over to ours most of my life. I was cornered by him on many occasion and groped or pinched. As I adult I questioned my mother as to why she would let him associate with us. They did it for his wife, my dads niece (same ages , grew up like first cousins). They let us be exposed to a known child molester so my oldest cousin would have some company with her child molesting husband. I found an older cousin on FB and asked him to call me. He did and he said he'd be happy to discuss the man. So I asked him. Isais everyone seems to know but have hidden from us kids, that this in-law had first molested or whatever he did to this cousins older sister before I was even born.
He said yes, I remember my daddy had him down on the floor and tried to strangle him to death. He said MY DAD pulled him off. My dad recused the molester from being strangled.
He clearly remembers the fight but was too young or was never told exactly what the molester did to his sister.
That confirms the final episode of searching for the truth.
Yes my parents knew. Yes other families knew. Yes my parents knowingly to me and my bro & sis into his house
They said they hated him but he never touched them. He touched me. Many times. He didnt touch his own middle daughter. The oldest daughter said he had molested her every day as far back as she could remember. She's the biggest victim.
I don't know how to think of my recently deceased parents now
Do I condem them completely and never visit their graves. Should my grown children know they did this to me?
How will they feel about their grandparents if they knew?
I know how I feel about the molester. I just spur on the ground when I hear his name and hope he never runs into me. I'm not a scared little girl anymore.
But my parents... I've suspected they knew for a long time. Now that I know that I know I've switched from the direct trauma to a realization my parents didnt love me. I was just there. Like a cake they brought along for the card game. Especially my father. He could have stopped at the first cousin by letting her father kill him. I feel so betrayed

 

[Eleanor]

Little Flower, I am so terribly sorry. What a horrible betrayal of you and your siblings, not to mention the other family.

I don't know how you should, or even can think about your parents. I don't really think there is any "should" about it. I expect it will be a great seething mess for a while. Feel what you feel.

Is there a purpose to telling your grown children? How do they feel about those grandparents now?

In trying to figure out how to feel about your parents you might try out pity. Cowardice is a horrible vice.

 

[Friday]

Some people are evil. Other people are deluded. Still others are clueless.

I don't know which your parents were... But they're all equally infuriating in different ways.

 

[Little Flower]

I don't think I will tell them about the fight. They loved their grandparents.
It's just so hard to accept "they knew". This molester was not the first or last in my life. I cannot get past the fact that I didn't matter. It is ingrained into my bones. I feel like it defines me. I didnt matter to my own mother/father how can I ever matter period.

 

[Little Flower]

I don't know how to feel right now. I don't mean I'm confused. I'm numb. All I can do is take my medicine and go back to bed. I don't wanna get up. I don't wanna participate in this world. It's a horrible place- like a big cruel joke.
I'm afraid everyone is going to start insisting I try again. It took me a few years to get these truths. I tracked down rumors until I found an eyewitness.
So it's true. I shouldn't be surprised since my parents never showed us much love. But this is crushing me I feel like they sacrificed me like an animal to appease a cousin.
It makes me physically sick and mentally impaired.
How am I going to get well if I can't learn to love me. I'm disgusted with my self
It's worse than the stranger rape.
These people were supposed to protect me. Ugggg. I hate the world

 

[Little Flower]

Is that what my parents were?
Cowards?
If I stayed with my x when I knew he was hateful to me and the boys
Does that make me a coward too?
It's ok if anyone says yes. I'll carry that guilt until I die.
I don't want to believe what happened. I can feel myself going back to live in unrelenting thoughts
Would, could, should. I'm not sure if that's disassociation. It's a crisis stage for me. I don't want to speak to, see , or hear anyone. I just want to curl up and wait. But it could be days or even weeks before I reattach to the world. In the meantime I won't be able to concentrate on words or sentences
All I can deal with is me. Then more guilt for being selfish. It actually does feel like I'm standing in center and the worlds going in around me, without me and I'm frozen.
No human contact today. I can't explain to most people what's going on because they can't understand what I'm saying.
I know people can survive in these conditions a long time - ie pow's
It's not the me I wanna be. The dream of getting better is gone. I can hear the mocking in my head.
At the same time my brain is saying, why won't someone give me a hand up. Someone notice, pls notice
If they don't. I'm resentful (what do mean u can't read my mind) or I shut down ( no go on without me , I can't talk about it)
Drive away the people who try to care ? Why? I don't know. Punishing myself with isolation.
I think it's harder to lie and pretend to people than to just tell them I'm sick
I don't want to admit I'm sick. This is really the way my family functioned and how I've coped. Deny it. Makes excuses.
The problems have existed. The diagnosis only about 3 years. During that time the parents died. This seems like a dream. PTSD. I thought that was for combat vets
I thought I was just crazy because when I speak to people I feel like an outsider. Always. Why does this need to be so complicated? Why can't I just not let it bother me and carry on? I'm a coward?

 

[Eleanor]

I don't care what your parents were or thought @Little Flower, you MATTER.

You. Matter. You matter. Period. Objective fact.

You are better than they were. You can learn to love you. You DESERVE to love you. That's what makes what they did WRONG. Ultimately, essentially, perhaps unforgivably wrong.

In defense of the world: The world has gotten slightly better since then. Then they could turn a blind eye and not give it a second thought - now... it is at least riskier to do so, and harder.

Hugs if you accept them Little Flower....

 

[Little Flower]

Yes I do :hug:
It explains every thing the way she did not react when I told her I was (what that man did to me). I didnt know word molest
She never asked what happened the night I ran away at 13 ( possibly the most traumatic event I've had)
Her reaction to my divorce ( u have such a nice house )
It's been 7+ years since my div but only about 9 months since she died
I think I'm in shock. But I'd I thought I knew that mom knew all along , so why did I have to know the truth . Have proof of what the dirtbag was and changed what my mom and dad
Rep of being great folks to what I can even name now because it hurts too much. Why did I have to know even if it hurts me. What does that say about me? In a science field it may be a great quality. But in this situ it seems bizarre. I'm too reactionary. I know it but I'm like a bunny sitting in a field. Run first. Think later.
Thank for your reply. Thanks for taking your time to read and respond

 

[Eleanor]

Please please be gentle with yourself Little Flower. When a point in our world that we thought was fixed comes loose, or turns out not to be there at all, it is ... extremely disorienting and upsetting. The world seems generally like a strange and dangerous place without anything to hang on to. And although it seems for all the world like that... it is not actually like that.

I don't know what your parents were thinking or feeling or knew or didn't know. It is amazing what people can simply be ignorant of, or not have categories for. Some people, even now, simply don't believe that sexual molestation of children is possible, much less exists. What a happy (if illusory) world they live in. And human beings often do things that seem necessary and right in the moment that later and with more information they recognize were not the best thing, or were even harmful. But we cannot hold our earlier selves to the same standards as out later selves. My best friend and I when I was in elementary school were very mean to her little brother. At the time it seemed harmless enough, in retrospect as a mom I can't imagine why her mother did not come down on us like a ton of bricks. I sure would now if my daughter treated someone five years her junior like that. I've since apologized to him (he was very gracious about it, all credit to him...) But my point is that... things were different then. Not nearly as clear as they are now. And the depth and breadth of human ignorance is... stunning.

Example: When my mother was a girl (going back 60 or more years) she lived in a small midwestern town full of scandavian descent farmers. A black gospel choir was touring one summer. It was apparently not unusual for church choirs to tour in those days, they would get a bus and then the local churches would house and feed them while they were in town. This choir was different tho, because they were black. So no one was signing up to host the choir members. This was a big problem, and a big surprise because mostly when choirs came to town people competed to host the choir members. But in this case, not. So the church had a meeting and asked what the problem was. Some brave should finally spoke up and said that it was not that she didn't think they were good people (obviously they were gospel choir members!) but that she was concerned that the black would come off on her sheets. (Which were expensive and washed more or less by hand in those days. And the cleanliness of your sheets was both public knowledge, as they hung on clothes lines to dry, and a point of pride among women in the community.) Once assured that the black did not "come off" the usual dynamic resumed.

All I'm saying here is that it is really really hard to know in retrospect about your parents. It is hard for me to fathom a lot of things about my parents. They don't talk much about stuff past, goodness knows my grandparents didn't. And denial is a defense mechanism for everyone. Perhaps your mother... couldn't take in what you were saying. Literally couldn't hear/process it. Perhaps she was indifferent. Perhaps she was cowardly. Perhaps .... any number of things. Perhaps your father stopped the strangulation because he had been traumatized in his earlier life as the witness to another murder, or had killed someone himself. Or maybe it was just like you think. At this point they are dead and it doesn't matter. Except to you. Except for you. So I think you should settle on believing whatever works best for you. You say that people thought they were fine. That denial and making everything seem ok was their MO. Sounds a lot like my folks. Who are nice people and extremely limited. They do not mean harm. They just... can't. Don't. And they would be like that with or without me. They care about me to the greatest extent they can. It has nothing to do with what I need or want.

I would be cautious about judging yourself also. You have a VERY complicated hand to play. And having been in an abusive marriage with little kids... is extremely difficult. And not too surprising given what little I know about your history. It is possible you were cowardly - and it doesn't matter why - because you feel guilty about it. And by the way guilt is a motivating emotion - is there something you can do NOW to repair, reconnect, appreciate your kids in light of that experience? If you can put the guilt energy to work in some positive way that is in everyone's interest... that is what it is for.

It is ok to be really really angry with your parents too. Or sad. Or whatever you are.

:hug::hug::hug:
Hang in there Little Flower. No feeling is final.

 

[Little Flower]

I wish I could believe it's not forever. Kinda like childbirth. If the pain memory stayed our population would drop to zero.
I know my bf knows. I know my cousins know. My seething hate for him is better. It's out in the open . maybe it can heal now. That doesn't mean if I ever see him u won't go off on him. The whole sick mess leaves me afraid to write about other abusers.
I wish I could forget. T is hard. It seems the one person therapy is hard for is me ? Am I just digging up skeletons that need to let be or am I facing the cold facts?
I just had my brothers friend come by and get his money for fixing my heat. We had a conversation. Like normal people. He grew up around here. We both just lost out moms. We're both in happy relationships. He said he was glad to know me as a friend. I went to shake his hand and he hugged me ( appropriately)
It made me feel like a real person. I was shaky, but we both were sincere. I have a friend. Who woulda thought .

 

[Eleanor]

It seems the one person therapy is hard for is me ? Am I just digging up skeletons that need to let be or am I facing the cold facts?

And that is the ultimate injustice. Yes. Therapy is hard for the trauma survivor. You are not just digging stuff up - you are processing old stuck experiences so that they can become mere memories - that don't elicit HUGE emotional reactions. Memories that are... just memories. Not living breathing dragons waiting to be triggered and take over your consciousness. Process the memories - let the emotions play out (safely.) Get all of you into the present. That's the aim.

I'm so glad you had a bit of normal today!

You are a real person. I'm glad you got to feel like one.

 

[Little Flower]

:rolleyes: Thank you.