I'm so thankful for all of your posts! Thank you, thank you!
New I don't think simply being reactive means you've been provoked.
I agree, Solara. I also agree with Barconian's last statement. Being reactive is connected to a lot of different things: influences from one's past, their opinions, lack of impulse control, how one is feeling that day, etc. However, expression of reactive impulses is simple/direct compared with the effort it sometimes takes for someone to act consciously, in the manner one wishes to act responsibly rather than reactively.
I'm responsible for my feelings and the way I manage them and other people are responsible for their feelings and the way they manage them.
This ^ is basically the way I see it also. Although someone may do or say something, something even bad, and the action or communication is related to a subsequent feeling, thought or action in me, the subsequent feeling, thought or act that I have is mine, i.e. I'm responsible for my own feeling, thoughts and actions. This is not to say that one should always simply accept the actions or behaviors expressed by others: we are all influenced by people and many things throughout one's day and life. I have the right to defend myself, if necessary. I have the right and obligation to myself to act in such a manner that will increase my betterment and/or treat situations with things or people that will enhance harmonious relations and decrease inharmonious relations. Therefore, once the thing is done or said, I am ultimately responsible for my own feelings and thoughts regardless of whether I have been provoked or not.
(1) People often react aggressively to others who are not attempting to provoke them. Because of their own baggage. In my book that is totally different. Often people will project their feelings onto the other person and blame them for provoking them when that isn't the case. (2) Reacting doesn't have to come from being provoked.
Abstract, as usual, you made some good points: (1) I think what you described is what happened. (2) I think there may have been a tone of annoyance in my voice when I spoke to my son, that I reached him at a time when he was already stressed, and he didn't like the fact that I took notice of something he should have taken care of but didn't, and he didn't want to hear it. Most folks don't like their misdeeds to be noticed.
So, in that respect, I had faulty impulse control (vocal tone) and he did also (yelling, cussing and hanging up the phone on me). I didn't provoke him. And, he hasn't provoked me into deciding not to talk to him ever again because of his behavior. My thought/feeling of never talking to him again is connected to my opinion that hanging up the phone on someone is a big no-no in my book. The reality is he's never done any of those things before (with me) and, in general, we have a good relationship. He knows I love him and I know he loves me. Unfortunately, due to prior abuse upon me by my son's father, my stance has become one of 'I don't take :poop: from others'!
I know, for me, what I like to call "mindless stupidity" can really make me angry.
People are people, and everyone has their moments of "mindless stupidity". I'm a fairly good communicator and problem solver: I can find consensus, solutions, and work out an issue with others (usually) with win-win solutions in a quick logical manner. I dislike inharmonic relations. I don't typically react to "mindless stupidity" (my own or others). This sounds lame to admit, but what gets me mad are inanimate objects, like my coffee pot that leaked all over the counter this morning. It's brand new. It was the third time it leaked and
it shouldn't have. Stupid coffee maker won't play nice like I want it to. It's broken and can't fix its self. :banghead: It won't even help me to help it become fixed so it works properly!
Again, thank you - thank all of you for responding. After mental/emotional abuse from the ex, being told I don't have a brain, I'm stupid, crazy, always wrong, spoiled (as in rotten to the core), only worth pumping out babies but unwanted by anyone, an ugly unfeminine b*tch, and lots of other things, I still have insecurities. And I know I don't always see things factually or objectively. It takes me a while to do that, sometimes, and then to figure out how to
respond to a situation rather than perpetrate further reactions. :stop:
Drew ;)
