Proximity To Abuser Led To Ideation

[chirpov]

I've been dealing with PTSD as a result of childhood abuse, which I've only ever told to three people in real life, none of them family. My abuser was a family member and happened when I was around 4-6. This past weekend, my entire family was in town and I was forced to spend all day with my past abuser.

I locked myself in the upstairs bathroom for a very long time, weighing the pros and cons of killing myself that day. Before that, I'd just sort of stopped emoting. Nothing could make me smile, or get angry, or get sad. It was like I just stopped existing.

I swear, I was minutes from taking a knife to my arms, I don't know how I stopped. It was the most horrifying feeling, I've only ever had it once before and that gave me a trip to the psych ward for a week.

I'm feeling better, now that my abuser is gone, but it was so horrifying for him to be there. I was having flashbacks and I couldn't tell anybody. It's the worst feeling in the world.

 

[cat]

Hi chirpov, Welcome to the Forum.

I have recently been in a similar situation myself. You were very brave to even contemplate being in their company let alone spend a whole day with them. Well done!

When your emotions stopped you were probably in dissociation, it occurs as a response to events that become too over whelming for us to process & we numb our feelings. Sometimes our strong feelings of what is right or wrong just take over too, you sound like you were desperate & lonely but somewhere deep inside you had enough respect for yourself to put the knife down, well done.

Dissociation happened to me recently at my daughters wedding, her father (my abuser) came from abroad to be there & it was the first time i'd seen him in 5yrs. I have very little memory of the day other than feeling like i wasn't there, i was just going through the motions of the day like an onlooker. As it happens it probably prevented me having a panic attack so in some respects its a good thing.

Are you having therapy, it would help you to understand more about what is happening to you & make it seem less frightening & maybe in time & with their support you could talk to a close family member about what happened.

Take care & stay strong, you will get through this.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum chirpov. Feeling for you and understanding your behavior to end the suffering. I found you strong to have passed through that day. What a great move to come here, this will help you vent and meet others who have had similar life experiences. Those are great steps towards your empowerment.

 

[ronin47]

Oh chirpov! I've had that feeling before. That sense of not knowing just how long it will be before something makes you snap and lose control. It's just horrible. I'm sorry you had to go throuh that. It takes a lot of strength to move past it, you should give yourself a big pat on the back for it. The fact that you are feeling better so soon after such a horrific experience shows tremendous steps taken in the healing process. Whenever you have a flashback or a triggering experience in the future, remind yourself of what you endured last weekend. Remind yourself that if you can get through that alright, you can get through anything.

 

[Tessa]

Well done for making it through a horrible triggering time. Please don't hurt yourself on account of him. You have been hurt enough already. Thankyou for coming here to share with your fellow sufferers. Sending you gentle hugs to soothe the hurt.

 

[Srain]

Well done for making it through a horrible triggering time. Please don't hurt yourself on account of him. You have been hurt enough already. Thankyou for coming here to share with your fellow sufferers. Sending you gentle hugs to soothe the hurt.

Exactly right! You were right not to continue the pain put on you and I understand how very difficult that was not to do that, we are program to take up where they left off but you did not do that!

you are in my thoughts,
Rain