Sexual Assault Psycho-sexual Abuse (???) And Brutal Molestation...

[anonymous]

This is a very personal and highly embarrassing subject that I need to address, but I feel that I can get honest answers here. I don't want to go over it with my therapist again, because I suspect she is sympathetic but may not be telling me the whole truth.

As a young man, I was brutally molested by five men. I was told that I would never be able to sexually satisfy a woman, that all women I date would cheat on me because of my penis size, (which is actually above average at 7.5") and that If a woman did sleep with me, it would be because she felt sorry for me.

Even though I have been told these things were lies, I worry that I am inferior to men with a larger penis size and that the things they told me were true.

I don't know if I was actually lied to or not, but if I was, I have spent all of my life believing these things were true and it has caused me a great deal of emotional pain *(like you would not believe)!!!

I am in a relationship now with someone I love very deeply and the thought of not being enough to satisfy her in the bedroom makes me feel very sad and depressed. *(we have not made love yet).

I would hate to think that a lover of mine would have to sneak around and cheat in order to find sexual pleasure and satisfaction and I can't seem to "get over" the things that I was told.

Please be honest with me and help me to figure out the truth.

 

[Jane.l]

As you have been brave - i will be too - my most fulfilling sexual experiences have been with other women - but I have only been with men for many years - so it's sure not about penis size or necessarily about the most fulfilling sexual experience - there is more to it - not sure what as currently single and planning on staying that way .

 

[scout86]

You were lied to.

I could go on and elaborate, but the fact is, you WERE lied to. There's a lot more to sex than anatomy and there's a lot more to a relationship than sex too. If you want good sex, you both start by being caring and considerate partners and go from there.

When you think about it, is there any particularly good reason to think those guys would be trustworthy and credible? Doesn't it seem more likely that their intent was to be hurtful and demeaning? Any particularly good reason to go on letting them impact your life?

I understand how hard it can be to accept that "the truth" is different from what you've spent a lifetime believing, especially when the truth is, essentially, "good news". (Funny, isn't it, that it's often easier to believe something BAD than it is to believe something good?) For me, sometimes it seems to help to hear the real truth, over and over until I eventually accept and believe it.

So, trust me when I say, "You were lied to, big time." (Good luck with the relationship!)

 

[radicalgratitude]

Size does not matter. As a woman, I want to tell you that. Gentleness and affection matters.

 

[RussH]

Here is the truth: when you and your lover do sleep together what will be your goal? Will it be to get your satisafaction? If that is your goal, then she will not be satisified. But if your goal is to satisify your partner, if your love making is truly an expression of your love for her, then she will be greatly satisified.
the art of making love is born in the understanding that you are giving yourself to the other, and not that you are getting them.

This idea that men have that they are going to" get some " is so far from the truth of what sexual intimacy should be that it is disgusting.
When you make love to her, that is exactly what it should be, making love. The physical act is simply an outward expression of the love you have for her in your heart. Your goal in making love should be to please her, and if this is your goal the first time you make love all the way until the last time you make love, then she will never look to another.

As for those five guys that said you could never please a woman; sounds like it is more there problem, than yours. Otherwise why are they seeking gratification by abusing you?
They are the ones with sexual issues not you. You were so right, they lied to you.

 

[GWhizz]

^^ what @radicalgratitude said.

Though I certainly don't complain about my partner who's about that size - he's kept me happy the past 7yrs and has been the only partner I've ever orgasmed with properly. And guess what? I don't attribute that to his size - I attribute 99% of it to a legitimate loving connection.

I don't think a therapist's unconditional positive regard for you would lead them to give a dishonest deliberation on this matter. Though I can understand why you question it as it takes a lot more to trust these opinions and their genuiness and to also let go of the guilt and shame that your abusers did their utmost to instill in you.

I am really happy for you that you have found a loving relationship. Only time will tell now and I think you can let her be the judge of this. You just have to trust her and her cues in this regard

 

[RussH]

I just want to add that you should not be embarassed by this. You were a victim of a brutal crimminal act. I don't care how big a person you were at them time you could not have defended yourself against 5 men.
I truly desire for you the best with this lady that you love, and hope for a lifetime of happiness for you, as I have had with my wife.

 

[StarChild]

I was told that I would never be able to sexually satisfy a woman, that all women I date would cheat on me because of my penis size

Hi Anonymous! First off, I would really like to know if it was a woman or a man, who told you such a big bullshit? To me, it sounds as if it was a man... Look, the size of your penis is not what makes a woman orgasm... At least, very, very seldom. That's the part that, according to my personal experiences, most men simply don't get. I'll say it quite blunt now: You can have a cock like a horse, and push like a world champion and still not make her orgasm! Sexuality is less about size and "super techniques" but much more about, what pleases and brings joy to your partner.

I'll give you an example: Most men think, that women's breasts are there exclusively for their (the men) pleasure. So most of them knead and squeeze and treat them much to rough. They think, "What pleases me must of course please her". Big No NO! Big, big mistake! If you really want to please your partner, ask her specifically what she likes, where and how she want to be touched. And treat her "twins" respectfully and very gentle! Nothing is more unpleasant, than a man, who does his "gymnastics" on top of me, but lacks all the flair as to how to really give me joy too. Besides: Many women won't have an orgasm, if their twins (breasts) are not, or only insufficiently involved...

The most important thing in a sexual relationship is to talk openly, freely and without any shame to each other. Ask your partner what she likes, ask her even to show it to you, let her guide your hands, your fingers and your "best friend". Try different materials to tickle her and your skin, like smooth feathers, a piece of silk and so on... - Sexuality should be playful with a good dash of humour. Oh, and of course it works the other way round too: Let her ask how you want to be touched and so on. To explore each other, means to get to know each other better and on a much more intimate level, than just to do sexual sports...

Oh, and let me ask you another thing... If you're alone, do you talk to your penis? Because I always talked to my "man's best friend". I gave "him" even a name! Sometimes I would show "him" the newest selection of rubber Johnnies. I remember, that there wasn't one man who didn't like it, and started to smile because his "little king" got so much attention and a funny collection of new "dive-suits". Got it now?... It's not about size!

 

[GWhizz]

@TreeHugger you are cracking me up :-P!

 

[Friday]

You actually have 2 very separate questions here: ability to satisfy/pleasure a woman & what causes infidelity. Let's get infidelity out of the way first because that one's easy: No one causes someone else to cheat. That's something broken in them. It's usually cowardice or greed, but there are other reasons. The reasons though, are all internal. Otherwise they would have an honest conversation with you about either having an open relationship, or would break up with you to allow you the chance to find someone else. If you need a better conceptualization: Nobody makes me hit them. No matter how angry they may make me, hitting them is my choice. Or not. There is literally nothing that makes my hitting them their fault. Every time you hear "She cheated because he... Or He cheated because she..." Know that is exactly the same thing as the battered wife apologizing to her husband for making him mad. Self. Control. It's a thing.

2. I'm a verifiable slut. While the following is primarily my own experience and observation, this also comes from living in a sexually open culture, having friends who also treated sex as a sport and as a commitment, as well as being close friends with a small number of sex workers.

I've slept with all kinds of men, including a few gay ones who were intrigued, bi-curious, etc. All ranges of sizes & skills.

You were lied to.

Does size matter? Sometimes. But usually in the other way. Men who are too large are physically incapable of having sex with a significant percentage of women. Women's vaginas vary in diameter, depth, and shape as much, if not more, than men's penis's vary in length, girth, and shape. You just can't see ours. So it's trial and error. There are some tricks a woman can use if her partner is slightly too large (lubrication and stretching) but significantly too large there is simply no fix for.

How much does size matter in comparison to every other factor present in sex? (Assuming it's physically possible). Very little. I'd say, size matters on average 5-10% in comparison with other factors.

What comprises the other 90%-95%? A lot. Here's just a few.
- Hygiene. Out the gate you'd be surprised how often this isn't taught.
- Personality/ Mood. Someone mentioned gentle. That's one personality. So is playful, inventive, forceful, sensual, rough, sub, dom, kinky, spiritual, etc. Most people switch around a little but have their foundational sexual personality. None is better or worse than another. It's all about a good match & personal preference.
- Attentiveness. How much attention is paid to your partner AND if it clicks personality wise.
- Skill. This is achieved through practice.
- Duration. The natural duration that people go for varies a great deal. Nobody likes frustration or friction burns. Where those occur change in each person. Some sooner, some later. Because some people are sprinters, others are marathons. And everything in between. There is no one way that is better than other. It's literally personal preference, along with everything else. (My personal favorite was always the premature ej guys, because I have yet to meet one who didn't have the rare gift of multiple orgasm. Once they got over the embarrassment their glands were just wired differently than most guys. Awesome! The only reason I mention this is these poor guys get so much grief, when they're gems! Gems! LeSigh.)
- Libido / sex drive (frequency. Weekly vs Monthly vs Daily creates friction in relationships. Ideally, you pair up with someone in your own zone).
- Emotional connection. Necessary for some, not for others. But there needs to be a meeting of hearts on this, or someone is going to be unsatisfied.

Cheers!

ETA...Oh... As that verifiable slut do I have a favorite or perfect penis size? Nope! Amazing mindblowing, galaxy tilting, perfect sex can be had with all sizes. I have favorite men behind that penis, though. That's the single most important part of sex. The people involved. Not their parts.

 

[RussH]

@TreeHugger you almost embrassed me:), but it is some really good information.
@anonymous as you can see from these post, you are among friends here.

 

[Underdog]

I have nothing to add to the conversation thus far other than personally saying I am amazed at your personal courage to ask and open up. That is truly amazing and I hope you realize and acknowledge that about yourself as well.