Psychological Damage And Employment

[vtap]

Hi

I'm finding that most good jobs require a certain personality. Someone that is confident, positive and in control of emotions. My childhood experiences mean I have none of these qualities. And trying to change is proving to be extremely difficult. I feel I am unable to reach my goals unless I change my mind. But the negative thinking patterns and emotional reactions to changes in the environment are too ingrained. Are any other people in the same boat?

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes, you have hit it on the nail. This is one of my huge fears about going back to work. My emotional reactions and my lack of confidence and fears will overwhelm and it will end up in me reacting really badly to something or just having so much stress; trying to restrain that I come home and just implode and my kids will suffer.

I have to move on. I need to be independent and I need to support my kids who have huge demands. Yet I know I won't be able to because, emotionally I will collapse. It is too engrained. It is a huge fear of mine. I just can't see how to do that when I am building on these dodgy, weak foundations.

 

[vtap]

The reality for me is starting to settle in. My past affects both employment prospects and relationships. Both are linked to happiness for me. I've been trying to create positive thinking habits or cultivating positive emotions as a solution on a daily basis. Each day is a battle but this is the best way I think.

 

[Misul]

I've spent the last ten years fighting the fact that I will likely never have a job, at least in the traditional sense. Now I have $25K in student loans but hopefully I will get disability and they will be forgiven. At least I learned a lot about myself in the last ten years and am trying to accept the facts. It's not easy and some people do heal well enough to work, but not everyone.

I know you are probably feeling guilt over it, but I'd like to remind you that it's not your fault.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ditto on all accounts.

I know I won't be able to handle certain types of job environments, but I wonder which ones I will be able to handle?

 

[caroline_13]

Hi there-

This is a huge problem for me, but in my personal experience, there is hope. I have come to hugely value the mistakes (I'm just going to call them "mistakes" even though I don't intend blame--just a term to indicate that we want to react differently the next time) I make in job/similar settings because that's the way I improve, slowly but surely. As long as they are good mistakes--meaning I was trying, as I always am, and as I believe you are too. I used to spend endless time wondering how improvement works, and if it was possible for me. I'd spend so much time feeling bad about and overthinking what I did "wrong," and I found when a similar situation presented itself in the future, I was able to do better. And it surprised the hell out of me!!!! I thought, how did I suddenly become better--when I made a mistake from a similar situation not long ago, and then hated myself not only for reacting the way I had, but for obsessing over it. And it's the obsessing over it (much like you're doing by writing this post) that is the key--where there's a will there's a way. I think about what I could have done differently, and I talk about it with my therapist and other survivors, even though I often come to the conclusion that "I didn't have the ability to do that" or "I wasn't ready," and that's okay, because it's a) thinking about it and b) being determined that produces magic. I can't explain psychologically how I was able to improve, but I was just effing determined, and it just happened, so I will offer that for you. Mistakes are valuable--they're the markers of my improvement. Which is, of course, ongoing :)

Caroline

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi vtap, I wondered if you've tried any CBT ([DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/wiki/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/"]Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)[/DLMURL]. See the wiki link for more info. It might help with those ingrained negative thinking patterns.

The other thing you could consider is some voluntary work. Something which you can easily walk away from, if it causes you too much stress. But on the positive side, it might help build your confidence because it will be a less stressful environment, because you don't have to worry about being fired! It may also give you some insight into what environments are easier for you to deal with compared to others.

 

[vtap]

wondered if you've tried any CBT .

Yeah I've tried CBT which has helped no doubt but I wanted to get rid of the automatic negative thought patterns from arising in the first place. I have learnt to deal with the symptoms but I'm looking to stop the negativity at the source. Not sure even if this is possible.

The other thing you could consider is some voluntary work.

I've done some but really want a proper job. I am quite ambitious and want to achieve something and having a good job would enable me to do that. Also my friends are very successful and have had generally a supportive and decent upbringing and I guess this comparison makes it difficult for me to accept my career progress. My confidence has been shattered and it is so important in employment and also in relationship issues. I think I need to work with my subconscious to replace the beliefs I hold about myself if I am able to build the confidence.

 

[Loloma]

It is not easy getting back into the workforce after suffering trauma or breakdown. After my PTSD diagnosis and hospitalization in the early nineties, I felt like a shattered shell. My self confidence was non existent, job interviews scared me beyond belief. I would shake and my heart would pound.

I lost the first few jobs, it was just to early and I wasn't ready. The thing is, I didn't give up mainly because I'm just stubborn. We are all different and only we know our limitations. Emotionally I will always be a bit of a train wreck, although from the work perspective I have reached a point where I am very confident in the work place, do a good job and am proud of myself. I have been on disability since 2010 and am not required to ever work again. I have managed to separate the emotional side of myself from the logical side. Whereas I view it as two entities. For me work requires no emotion, it cannot hurt me, cause me pain and I can be in control of it. Mainly because of the occupation I am in.

I agree with Cherryblossom that you look at volunteer work, even for a short while. Just to be around people in an environment where you can build your self confidence. Don't write yourself off as yet. I am guessing that you are still young and have your whole life in front of you.

Last year after my health improved I started working part time in an office. A few days ago I was offered another part time job doing the same work. Now I am working full time and going off disability. I will be 64 in October.