Ptsd And Dating- What's Normal?

[Mary Todd]

So I am in a relationship with a combat veteran who has PTSD and a service related injury. He goes hot and cold constantly. Last time I didn't speak to him for a week, the time before it was nearly two weeks where we don't hang out. I texted twice over two days (nice not pushy things) but when he didn't respond I backed off. I gave him some space and pulled back a bit. When he showed back up in a week I didn't want to push him so I stayed pretty low key with the text message responses so that he could come to me in his time. Then he left me flowers on my car and I still kinda played it cool but then I guess he figured I was mad at him for disappearing again and not saying anything to me for a week (which I was slightly annoyed) and so he just showed up at my house unannounced (which he doesn't usually do, but I'm totally fine with it). He told me a lot more about what is going on with him and details about his life. The problem is, when I ask why he keeps cancelling plans on me or why he is always late, he acts like he doesn't see or understand what I mean. He always does have a reason and it's always something valid but it's predictable that he doesn't show so I want an answer. Like I know when he says lets do X on Monday, that we won't be doing it so when the excuse comes for why, I already don't believe it no matter how valid. I can't help it, it just seems weird that he won't tell me why this keeps happening. Does anyone have any ideas on what's going on? Mutual friends tell me he talks about me a lot and he made sure I met his son when he came to visit so I just don't get why the only time we spend is at night and he cancels. Forgive me if I sound dumb, I get that he's a guy and the obvious possible reason it could be, but I feel like when a guy calls you his girlfriend without prompting, introduces me to his kid, does household "chores" to help me out and tells me he's really interested and wants me around in the future that I'm not just a booty call. I really like this guy but it's like he can't have a normal go on dates/hikes type of relationship. Is he afraid if I spend an actual day together I will see his difficulties or something and leave? I just don't get it.

 

[shimmerz]

My current boyfriend and I hooked up after having known one another as friends for about 6 years. He started to court me around 3 years ago. I was impossible. He stuck with it and slowly I started to trust. Not him. I always trusted him. Me.

I warned him. I cancelled on him. I wouldn't return his calls. I avoided him. He stuck with it.

I continually told him that I would NOT be fun to hang out with. And I wasn't. He still stuck with it. And my symptoms (because I felt safe with him) got worse. And I felt horrible for exposing him to my crap. And he still stuck with it. And then HE cut it off (long story). But he kept in touch. And I ignored him. And I wouldn't return his emails. And I was emotionally removed. But when I needed him he was right there.

We are together again. I had to accept that HE was absolutely allowed to cave with the pressure, just like I do. Then he said he felt less like a caregiver and more like a partner. We have just bought a place together and are making permanent plans. And I get it. I have been difficult.

I think what I am trying to say is that you are allowed to express frustration. That is what makes a partnership a partnership. The more you 'bite' your feelings, the more difficult it will be. Express yourself, but be measured. Can you two come up with a keyword that he can say when he feels overwhelmed? Can you have that type of conversation? Because you DO count in a relationship. Your feelings count.

 

[Friday]

All of that? Suuuuuuuuuuuuuper normal for PTSD.

The hot & cold / push & pull / intense &vanish... I sometimes tend to call the 'PTSD-Tango'. Some of that can definitely be worked on & moderated, other parts are just kinda here to stay (like isolating when stressed), although they can be worked around to a degree.

But the whole "he's just not that into you" kind of relationship advice? :roflmao: Yeah. Just toss that out the window when dealing with PTSD & work on boundaries (what you need/want), instead.

Some reading & watching, for ya :D

The Ptsd Cup Explanation

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[Mary Todd]

I appreciate you saying that, I do sense that he thinks I deserve better. I would love to have better communication with him and I think that will come with time because he thinks it's important as well. If I can get him to tell me what's going on, I think we can have a method of him letting me know when he's overwhelmed and I will take it less personally. I find that I'm hyper sensitive because my ex would do things just to hurt me so I may be reading too far into his behavior. He may just be a guy that's got a lot going on in life with the PTSD, trying to find a new job and since he hasn't dated much, he doesn't get what is normal or how to be "normal". The fact that I haven't received a text or phone call on Christmas just seems hurtful and strange. But then I think, he may just be still busy with family and stuff and again, I am taking it personally. I just miss him and I guess maybe I need to let go of some of my insecurities in order to trust that he cares about me like he says he does.

 

[Mary Todd]

Thank you very much, I can handle anything he needs as long as I know he cares for me. I'm a tough chick . If this is normal I think I can be patient. Thanks for the "he's not that into you" reference because that's exactly what I was basing my concerns off of.

 

[.45 Princess]

So I am in a relationship with a combat veteran who has PTSD and a service related injury. He goes hot...

I think if he introduced you to his kid and other people in his life he's definitely into you.
My boyfriend has and still does this. I have PTSD too so it doesn't help when we're both "push and pulling".

I think your boyfriend might be stressing or going through some stuff and leaving flowers and stuff like that is his way of showing his affection to you, within his current limitations.

Sometimes when we're (sufferers) triggered it's not about hiding the "bad" stuff, sometimes we just have to work it out on our own and isolate.

 

[Backcountry]

So I am in a relationship with a combat veteran who has PTSD and a service related injury. He goes hot...

It's hard enough for those of us with PTSD to not be disappointed in ourselves. When we psych ourselves up enough (it's a workout) to give someone we like a chance, the worry of disappointing you is even greater.

 

[Kintsugi]

I wonder, regarding him acting like he doesn't understand all the cancelling and being late etc., if he realizes the frequency with which he does this? I know how often I flake or am late, so I have come to a place where I'm just honest and tell people that that's a thing I do. When someone asks me to do something, I'll say something like, "That sounds great! But I'm super flakey, so I want you to know I might not be there, and you'll probably need to remind me the day before." That way it's their choice, and if they still want to make plans, maybe they can form a backup plan as part of their reasonable expectations regarding my reliability.

I also wonder if he's aware how long he goes without talking to you. Sometimes my best friend will leave me a message (he lives across the country), and I'll be like, "Yay! Sam!" but then I get distracted, so I don't respond, and I think it's a week later when I do, but actually a month has passed, and I can't believe it. I'm improving with that, but it was like that for years.

If you need him to be more honest about the likelihood that he will be reliable, you need that. Full stop. And it's okay to tell him that you need that. And it's okay to need that. You need to take care of yourself as much as he needs to take care of himself. Fridayjones is good at framing these things; needs and boundaries are the thing to focus on.

By the way, that movie was a terrible illustration of how relationships with any depth work. Sure, if a guy tells you to call him, and then he never calls back, he's probably not into you. But for developed relationships? Tell Jennifer Aniston and her cohorts to get out of your head. :D

 

[Backcountry]

I wonder, regarding him acting like he doesn't understand all the cancelling and being late etc., if...

Another bit of helpful advice...if you get perturbed at him for being late/not responding in a timely fashion. BE PATIENT.

PTSD sufferers get frequent "scatter brains". It makes us feel like idiots; especially when we come from a background of serious multi-tasking; now we can't remember what we walked into the next room for or even what day it is. So one of our triggers is being treated like an idiot; point being, don't ever go at him, like ... you haven't called me in three days! I can promise you, he will shut down and crawl back in his hole. He doesn't know himself why he acts that way and putting a demand on him to explain it will only stress him out more.

It sounds like you're doing a good job being supportive and patient. The son intro is like him putting on a billboard, I want you I my life! Take it as a HUGE compliment. PTSD'ers don't trust. So if we trust you with our kid, that's huge.

I'm sure you've seen people grocery shopping with their headphones on? You'd be surprised at how many of these people have PTSD. The headphones are our safety net to block out EVERYTHING that triggers us so we get some food. Literally.

Your guy probably doesn't realize how long he takes to respond and if he does, his safety is numero uno and in his head, if you like him, you'll either understand and wait (all the while he's praying you will and not give up on him), or you can just leave because in our heads, everybody else treats us that way and it wouldn't surprise us if you did. Do you understand what I'm getting at?

 

[anonymous]

I recommend ignoring backcountry's post above regarding the well-if-you-leave-it's-just-like-everyone-else rhetoric. I think that lays unnecessary guilt on you as a supporter. Your needs are your needs are your needs. Not a single disease, disorder, or disability should prevent you from making the very best choices for yourself now, in the future, or ever. ;)

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't see anything wrong with what backcountry said. I think what he said was very honest and I don't get the impression that it was said in order to guilt a supporter. I, too, feel the same, that everyone will leave me. It is up to each of us to regulate our own feelings. I don't think backcountry should hide his views/beliefs just because what he says will "make" someone else feel guilty.

I don't understand anonymous posting to say not to listen to someone, that is ignore someone.

 

[Backcountry]

So I am in a relationship with a combat veteran who has PTSD and a service related injury. He goes hot...

I recommend ignoring backcountry's post above regarding the well-if-you-leave-it's-just-like-everyone-...

It's cool. I'm open-minded and advice well-taken. We all do react differently so it's hard to put a fine point on PTSD sufferer's as a general population; which is what I was trying to convey. My point was just to be patient and not look too deeply into her guys' fading in and out. Speak your mind as to your needs in the relationship but from a "let's work on this together" perspective. That's the best way to be both supportive and move forward, as a couple.