General Ptsd and gaslighting

[FindingOneselfAgain]

So I’m new to PTSD and trying understand all the dynamics of it. My husband has been diagnosed with PTSD but is it possible to also be a gas lighter simultaneously? I’m feeling like everything is my fault, he makes question myself on many fhings.

 

[Mee]

Yes.

Having ptsd ( or any other health / mental health condition ) is not mutually excludive with being not very nice. Being victims of trauma does not mean we are all good people or saints.

If you are being abused, and gas lighting is abuse , I urge you to consider your needs first.

 

[Marinna]

Just talked about gaslighting on another post on a dv issue a few hours back. We also touched on the issue of PTSD=Abuse. Please feel free to have a look at my posting history.

If you have experienced any type of abuse and are subsequently questioning yourself, than yes. There is a real possibility you have been gaslighted.

The real problem is the gaslighter may have convinced you it was never abuse in the first place. The fact that you are here and posting this suggests that something is wrong in your relationship. I hope this gives you some validation.

As far as PTSD and gaslighting is concerned, I would be cautious about drawing a connection. Glaslighting is common enough unfortunatley, but the hallmark of an isidious and complex type of abuse. PTSD does not eqaute with this severe level of manipulation (and it is bloody crafty, conscious or not). PTSD doesn't equal any abuse at all. All abuse is a CHOICE.

From what I understand, Gaslighting becomes even more dangerous (if that is even possible) when others are 'recruited'.

For example, your OH says you are 'insert bad word' (emotional abuse). You are hurt and challenge OH. OH says 'I am just joking!!!' OH speaks to mutual friend and says 'omg he/she is soooo over sensitive'
Without knowing you confide in mutual friend about abuse. Mutual friend says ' ohh its no big deal, i am sure OH was joking'.

Moral of the story? You need reality checks, a therapist and if all else fails an 'independant friend' who can vouch for your experience.

Me myself? I know nothing about your situation. You are confused and feel gaslighted. Major red flag. Something is wrong. That is real. Hold on to that.

 

[FindingOneselfAgain]

@Marinna I did actually see the post earlier than decided to research gas lighting because lately I have been questioning myself. Here is an example and maybe I'm wrong it's not gas lighting. So he received a card from a girl he goes to a meeting with that expressed her love for him and their bond they have created through group therapy. He found out the other day when I brought it up that I was in therapy. He proceeded to tell me I was keeping from him and was angry about it. When I asked about the girl and the card and how I didn't know about it he says it wasn't my business and that I am making more of it than what it is. He tells me now that I have found the card he has given me something to run with than realizing my own actions and the kind of person I am. I feel like he is trying to blame me for what he is suffering through with his PTSD if that makes sense.

 

[Marinna]

That situation is beyond my grasp in terms of affirming gaslighting unfortunately. You need a therapist for that.
I can wrap my head around black and white examples (and I can pinpoint gaslighting in my own history), but it is too complex to comment on a strangers example.

Gaslighting is so insidious (it has to be otherwise it wouldn't work). If he had punched you or insulted you I would be screaming abuse. But this example? It is beyond my ability to comment. If there is a pattern, there is a problem is all I can say.
It is so frustrating, as gaslighting victims need validation soo badly.

One thing i can say is that his PTSD suffering should not be layed on you. At all. That is wrong.

One thing I read about that may help with gaslighting validation is journalling. So an incident happens. You write what happened and how it made you feel. You revisit it when confusion kicks in and also begin to spot patterns. Maybe give this a go. And keep posting here if need be.

 

[Marinna]

Ok. What the hell. Your above example sounds like it could fit into a gaslighting pattern from what little I understand. Xxx

 

[Marinna]

I fear that my posts may not be helpful. I went through 18 years of gaslighting and am still trying to unpick it. I hope someone comes here with knowledge or validation for you. You need something more than i'm in a position to give

 

[Friday]

There’s a thing where people accuse others of what they’re doing themselves.

It’s not a PTSD thing, it’s just how some people handle guilt. They judge others by themselves.

To me, that sounds like what’s happening.

He’s hiding things, so he’s accusing you of hiding things.

There’s another version of that, which is straight up blameshifting. Whatever they did? Is your fault. Also not a PTSD thing. But anyone and everyone can get PTSD. Including blameshifting assholes who also accuse others of doing the things they’re doing, themselves.

I could be wrong, though. Often am.

Gaslighting is one step beyond that where a person actually tries to convince the other person that they’re doing something they’re not. (Rather than simply accusing them of doing things they’re not doing). There are a whole LOT of different motivations behind it. One? Can very much be a trauma thing, especially with certain kinds of abuse (they were abused, then are abusing someone else, whilst trying to convince the person they’re abusing that *actually* they’re the ones being abused by their own victim :confused: ). It’s also not a PTSD thing, although some people with PTSD do it. BPD is more known for it. But, the commonality is abuse + manipulation + eternal victimhood (people who are always the victim, no matter the situation, nor how responsible they are for what happened). If someone is being wronged? It’s them. If someone is being abused? It’s them. :rolleyes: Even if someone IS being abused, and it BY them, they can’t accept the reality of the situation. They’re the victim, here!

Could he be doing that? Sure. No idea if he is or not, though.

Regardless of what he’s doing? Do you really want someone in your life who treats you like that?

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like projection and blame shifting to me as opposed to gaslighting.

 

[FindingOneselfAgain]

It sounds like projection and blame shifting to me as opposed to gaslighting.

@EveHarrington @Friday After researching and thinking about the things he has said I believe you guys are correct. It sounds like he is blame shifting and projecting. I begin to wonder if he suffers from more than just PTSD but I guess I will never know. It seems like lately everything out of his mouth is a lie. I have caught him in so many lies and than if you confront him he shifts the blame.

 

[Mytime]

I agree it sounds more like blame shifting and projection. If your not feeling good about yourself and know your doing the wrong thing. It’s easier to throw it on someone else. Because if you acknowledge your wrong behaviour, you know you need to change it.

 

[Ronin]

I begin to wonder if he suffers from more than just PTSD

Asshole Liar Syndrome?

Likely listed as It doesnt matter the diagnosis, that one is just his choices category.