Ptsd And How To Manage.

[Nomad88]

Hello,

New user here and looking for advice (constructive criticism appreciated too), I'll start with some basic history. I've been in a long distance relationship with my significant other for close to 4 years and she has complex PTSD (she doesn't get detached or have episodes of disassociation, she is very focused on personal attention and a need to control)
from a badly abusive relationship with her parents and a former emotionally manipulative husband. For the last three years the PTSD has pretty much controlled the flow of the relationship, because of the fighting and issues associated with it, I have changed a lot about myself to try and compromise with how it affects her.

I have reduced almost everything I did or enjoyed from before I met her to almost absolutely nothing because of how distraught it makes her. I maintain only hobbies and interests that I can do when I am in absolute contact with her 100% due to her reactionary nature. I see friends once every few months and even then must be in contact with her throughout. I try not to be bitter about it, because she has deals with things I don't but, and I don't use that word lightly, things have progressed to a stage where I feel trapped.

I'm not talking about her getting mad I'm spending time with other people having fun, it's to the point where I am facing genuine and severe anger/rage/mania when seeing family members, or if I don't respond to a text message within minutes. Recently I have been struggling to cope with my own issues, health and mental and have lost my job due to a currently undiagnosed condition and this is just making things worse.

The reason I am here is because the PTSD response has increased, and while she has finally decided to see a councillor, it is grudgingly and she feels like she's being forced even though it was her choice. I try very hard to control my emotional responses and how I react because the biggest thing for her is perception, when she is having an episode she will actively try to sabotage anything said looking for hidden meanings and daggers, which given her history I understand for the most part.

Her reactions have progressed to suicide attempts/threats. I know she self harms to manage and control her surroundings when the threat of an episode looms and while I don't agree with it, I understand why she does it. But during a particularly heated argument I lost my usual calm and walked away, for not an inconsiderable length of time, considering we are in contact every second. During this time she lost all control and attempted suicide and as a result is now seeing a therapist.

My issue is since then I cannot say anything, I am walking on finer eggshells than before because of fear I will send her into another episode. We came to a compromise in that I won't walk away to get my head straight (even though that's what I need to do to be calm for her) but she persisted, demanding to know how I felt about it. She triggered another episode through this persistence because I was reluctant to discuss it (ironically out of fear I'd set off an episode) by finally getting me to open up and tell her how I felt (which was not going to be something she wanted to hear). She doesn't understand my coping mechanisms and because she doesn't understand them, they are wrong. She will not accept them so I agreed to the compromise on her terms but she insistently perused on why I accepted and agreed to them. Upon finding out she fixated on why it wasn't fair and equal, as if it should be (her side of the compromise was to allow me to take five minutes to calm down before talking to her again, which shows me she doesn't understand the need to escape). This was incomprehensible to her and set her into such anger and stress that she had another suicidal episode. She goes from demanding and controlling to nihilistic and suicidal in the drop of a coin.

I am trying to cope with this but I fear I am beginning to slip. These episodes are bringing on anxiety in myself because of how difficult it can be. I cannot use reason or logic, nor can I be emotional and let myself be heard. All of these things set off severe reactions which have ultimately become very bad. If I leave (even just to get away and clear my head for a few days), I truly believe she will kill herself.

Sorry for the essay but I am out of ideas.
Is there anything else I can do to support her, does anyone have any advice?

 

[Stickler]

...You are not responsible for controlling her emotions.
You are not responsible for her suicide attempts.

If she will not take responsibility for controlling her emotions and get therapy for same, this is going to keep getting worse until you leave.
That will inevitably happen if things keep on.
I would define her as an emotionally abusive spouse, honestly.

 

[Sweetpea76]

First, I would suggest taking care of your own mental health before worrying about hers. You sound like you are at the end of your tether. If you need some space, then you are just as entitled to it as she is, even if you are the healthy one.

You are not responsible one whit for her episodes or suicidal tendencies. That is 100% her. Threatening suicide everytime she doesn't get her way in the relationship is emotional blackmail, and that is pretty crappy.

I may seem like a bitch, but just because she has PTSD doesn't mean she gets to be controlling, mentally abusive, and manipulative. Separating you from your family is not OK. Dictating what you can or cannot do for hobbies is not OK. Keeping track of you every second and expecting you to hop everytime she messages you is not OK. Stomping on your boundaries is not OK.

If part of her trauma is based on an emotionally abusive husband, why does she get to turn around and treat you in the same manner. PTSD be damned.

 

[shimmerz]

This makes me really sad, because it sounds like you are trying so hard to help her.....

This is one of those situations that is counterintuitive. For one that suffers from trauma, well, it can be an endless pit of needs .... until one learns to manage it. More support, more demands, more everything. The only way she can learn to manage it is by getting help. It sounds like you may need therapy at this point as well.

Your posting is so respectful and kind. I wish the best for you. Please take care of you.

 

[Nomad88]

...You are not responsible for controlling her emotions.
You are not responsible for her suicide attempts.

If she will not take responsibility for controlling her emotions and get therapy for same, this is going to keep getting worse until you leave.
That will inevitably happen if things keep on.
I would define her as an emotionally abusive spouse, honestly.

Thank you for the response, Stickler. I try to accommodate her needs as best I can, living with PTSD must be tough and I have been through some of the same things she has, but I can handle it better. I accepted what happened to me but she's still angry at the world. I know I'm not responsible for what happened to her or how it affects her, it just has become so difficult to help her cope. I am committed to her completely, when we have good times, they are the happiest I've ever been and she is so kind and gentle and quite honestly the loveliest woman I've ever been with but when she is triggered by something, it sure can get tough.

First, I would suggest taking care of your own mental health before worrying about hers. You sound like you are at the end of your tether. If you need some space, then you are just as entitled to it as she is, even if you are the healthy one.

You are not responsible one whit for her episodes or suicidal tendencies. That is 100% her. Threatening suicide everytime she doesn't get her way in the relationship is emotional blackmail, and that is pretty crappy.

I may seem like a bitch, but just because she has PTSD doesn't mean she gets to be controlling, mentally abusive, and manipulative. Separating you from your family is not OK. Dictating what you can or cannot do for hobbies is not OK. Keeping track of you every second and expecting you to hop everytime she messages you is not OK. Stomping on your boundaries is not OK.

If part of her trauma is based on an emotionally abusive husband, why does she get to turn around and treat you in the same manner. PTSD be damned.

I spoke with my doctor about my on going health issues and mentioned the stress I was under so he's referred me to the mental health nurse that frequents the doctors surgery. I haven't met with them yet but my appointment is coming up. When I say to people the environment I live in at home and what I go through helping my partner with PTSD on top of the stress of it being a long distance commitment and the constant travelling and the like, they think I'm fantasising. I sit and think to myself how mad it all sounds and wonder how I haven't exploded from it all yet but it's not in my nature to give up.

I recognise some of the things she does as abusive, I don't defend her on those points and I challenge her at times but more frequently I can't approach it on a strong defence because of how difficult she can be. I'm not physically in front of her all the time so I can't intervene if there is a potentially life threatening situation. I admit that I slipped and said what she was doing was emotionally abusive and that's the last thing I said before I walked out and when I came home, I had a string of messages from her sister.

It's just becoming very difficult and I can't even sit her down to talk as an adult because anything that is said is taken as an immidiate insult or attack on her.

This makes me really sad, because it sounds like you are trying so hard to help her.....

This is one of those situations that is counterintuitive. For one that suffers from trauma, well, it can be an endless pit of needs .... until one learns to manage it. More support, more demands, more everything. The only way she can learn to manage it is by getting help. It sounds like you may need therapy at this point as well.

Your posting is so respectful and kind. I wish the best for you. Please take care of you.

I am trying my very hardest to help. I changed my whole life style to help her manage what happens and I've never done that for anyone. At the core of it our relationship is strong and when we are together we are genuinely happy and I can help to control and even overcome the episodes but being so far away (California & England) there is very little I can do except try.

She doesn't understand how I feel and although she constantly tries to make an unequal situation equal, she just won't ever realise that everything I do, even if she doesn't like it, is for her benefit.

 

[Mallaky]

Hey :)
Your girlfriend reminds me very, very and unpleasently much how I have behaved toward my husbear when I was at my worst. It is approaching "long ago" now, but reading your post brought back a lot of memories. The only difference is that I was never suicidal, as my brothers suicide cured me of that. That of course is a big difference, the rest though ... :dead:

Life only started to get better for both of us, when I made him hit rockbottom and he was forced by misery to establish bounderies. I only saw what I was doing, how bad it really was, when he cried and told me how unpleasent I made his life. So, bounderies: They are so important. When I was in the position of your GF I used and abused the lack of boundaries in my relationship to treat my partner as nurse, therapist, cleaning lady, doctor, scapegoat, nanny and more, but rarely as a human being or partner. I never wanted to hurt him, it just ... .... kind of happened. I was out of controll.
I think you want to start looking into this. If one is truly miserable, as your GF seems to be, that lack of boundaries is very damaging. But, I was never suicidal, so that of course changes everything. I just wanted express how intensely important healthy boundaries are. In my personal experience, the lack of boundaries in my relationship was the most destructive and dangerous aspect of the illness. It enabled me to be my worst.

The other thing I want to stress: You cannot give her the professionell help she needs. There is no way around this, it is what it is. I don't know what kind of help she is getting, but nothing else will help her. Besides boundaries, the very best (only?) supporting you could possibly do is help her with finding professionell help. If she doesn't see the point, well, that is because there are no bounderies. It seems, at this point its either professionell help or you need to get out. To tell her that, in a kind and calm way, and why, that is something you could do. Writing letters is a good choice for people who are not so good at conversation.
Don't allow her to make you miserable. Dont allow her to hurt you. If she is a decent person she will regret it the rest of her live. And if she is not, get ouf of there.
If she is a good person: There is hope. I have basically nothing in common with the destructive dude I have been. But it has been a long road. Shitton of work and pain and tears. And many fallbacks into old behaviour, which got rarer and shorter with time.
Good luck mate!

 

[CrazyTown]

Hello,

New user here and looking for advice (constructive criticism appreciated too), I'll start with...

Hello New User,

Sounds like you may be the victim of emotional abuse. I fear you do not grasp the amount of control that you are allowing another to have over your life. Resentment towards her is most likely the end result, sounds as if it is in the beginning stages already. You may feel as if you can help her in some way by abiding by her every wish but I think maybe she may need to resolve some of her past issues on her own in order for her to feel healthy and whole. No amount of appeasing on your end will be able to change the inner turmoil that it appears that she is experiencing.

Speaking from experience, candidly.. Don't allow yourself to be held hostage by threats of suicide. A mental health professional can help with those things, wellness checks are available and I believe she may need to seek professional assistance as soon as possible.

I lived with a emotionally abusive guy for a year. There is no appeasing and you will not be able to help. I know that sounds harsh but it's the cold hard truth.

He would say often that he would kill himself, he even grabbed a knife to do so once. He has also threatened to wrap his car around a pole, while drunk. It held me for a long time. I didn't want to be the reason someone hurt themselves. It was a very toxic situation.

 

[Friday]

This is heartbreakingly sad.

You are in an abusive controlling relationship. Period.

If you've ever wondered how people get into them, or why on gods green earth they stay? Now you know. And you're thousands of miles away. Don't walk. Run. Run fast. Run far. But run. I can almost guarantee you won't, because that's how abuse works, but Godspeed anyway.

 

[Stickler]

Living with my PTSD, major depression, and dissociative disorders?
Tough, yes.
I have no right to treat anyone like crap because my life's hard.

Sharing from my own perspective here, as that's the way we do it in the support group I frequent...

...My guy and I both have PTSD, major depression, and multiple personalities...it's a crowded long-distance relationship.
He's got a lot of Borderline Personality disorder stuff going on, he is too ill to work. I'm...mostly working, planning on going to college, functioning better in general. Visits are not in the budget at the moment. Working on that...sigh.

... He and I have just had a huge argument, he went psychotic, we nearly broke up, he attempted suicide again ( I think he's going for the record...)...And I told him he HAS to manage this way better.
I can't take it.
if he does not work hard, fast, and soon on managing his symptoms way better, on seeking help and stopping the progression of these episodes before he becomes a threat to himself? I'm out.

I suggest you look up borderline personality disorder? And not some of the bigoted stuff about it. Borderline people are not doing this intentionally, they really do have incredibly intense emotions.
...Generally? Dialectical Behavioral therapy helps...and helps a lot of people, regardless if one is BPD or has something else going on. It's just really useful stuff.

...Were I you, I'd nudge her-hard-in the direction of getting DBT.

But the problem is hers. She must fix it. You cannot fix it. Tell her so.

Stop trying to fix it through your behavior because it. Will. Never. Be. Enough.

I like what Mallaky had to say.
You can't allow her to bulldoze you, it's doing neither of you any favors.

 

[Friday]

Stop trying to fix it through your behavior because it. Will. Never. Be. Enough.

This.

 

[Nomad88]

I took the advice offered and sat her down to have a very important discussion. We set terms and some boundaries, the biggest of which is that she needs professional help. It took some serious convincing but she agreed and now sees a therapist every week, she even started up making bespoke items to sell on Etsy as a little hobby to help control things.

All was going well until today, I've had a very stressful day and I'm trying really hard to keep everything under control (home life is really not great at the moment) and so I said I'd like to spend some time with my friends on Saturday night (she'll be asleep anyway because she works night shifts so the time difference means she won't even be awake) and everything seemed fine.

Then three hours later she explodes on me, because I'll be having my friends round at a time that overlaps her getting home from work and going to sleep. So cue another roaring argument over the sake of an hour that I won't see her (despite spending the rest of the weekend with her as we have plans and in two weeks I'll be there with her physically).

I am struggling to maintain my balance, I know this is tough for her and the healing process has only just started but damn if it isn't difficult.

 

[Stickler]

Understood about being difficult.
Reading up on BPD...the core fear is abandonment?
...So to her, asking to have a life of your own somehow translates into
" HE'S GOING TO ABANDON ME!"
...She's an adult, but the emotions involved are...VERY early childhood, like a toddler. It's like mommy dumping them out at the train station.
...I don't know if that helps to take her less personally?

Her brain goes straight from terror, to fury, to lashing out at you, without being totally aware of the terror causing it in the first place.
That terror's dissociated.