Ptsd And Marriage

[heyitsruss]

I have recently joined this forum and been doing some reading. But now I am a ready to tell my story for some advice.

I am a young man in my late 20's who have only been married to my younger wife for 3 years. I have a young son with my wife and she has a older daughter from a previous relationship.

I am a former infantry soldier who served 2 combat tours of Iraq, my last tour didn't end so well and I received a purple heart medal. Along with that I also brought home PTSD. This is all before I met my wife.

I have been dealing with my disorder on my own, was heavily into self medicating and one night stands before I met my wife. I was just trying to forget and getting myself lost in all the wrong things. Mostly drugs,alcohol and women.

My wife got pregnant after only 5 months in our relationship, my longest ever. So I did the right thing and got my act together and slowed down my life.

But due to my PTSD, I am out of touch with my feelings and emotions most of the time. I rarely show them, in a war zone you learn to forget them but I am working on recovering them. It affects me in strange ways, I was built up to think I was superman so I know I can come off as a ****y arrogant ******* at times. Then other times I tend to just shut down and barely speak a word the whole day. My sense of humor is different, my wife says its sick, but when you joke around with guys in a warzone for a whole year you have to be creative and entertain yourselfs.

Now back to marriage I'm not sure what is going on. We barely speak because I feel she judges everything I say and says I'm being mean when I joke around. She barely talks because she says I don't care, when I do I just prefer not care about anything and take everything with a grain of salt as part of my therapy. **** happens, its all about how you react.
Another issue that disturbs me is her weight gain, I understand people gain wait. I'm 200lbs but in a great shape. But she has discovered Netflix and just sits on the couch literally all day watching TV eating snacks all day. Then when we are in a good place together and have a good day, at night she wants sex but I have to refuse because her weight gain has left her body not sexually attractive. I have tried to have sex with her but it is always unenjoyable and boring. I found that alcohol usually helps me to get thru it.
She is very lazy at times and always seems to do the bate minimum. She does not work she is a stay at home mom and I don't mind that. But I just wish she would do more to which she says I order her around. Basically it all comes down to, if I don't cook I don't eat, have to do my own laundry or it will sit until she feels like it.
I know she also holds a lot of hostility and regret towards me for an affair i had with one of her friends before we were married. She often tells me how she hates and how I ruined her life when she drinks.
She doesn't respect my disorder when it is bad like depression wise and just tells me to be a man and suck it up.
I fear that I am only still in this relationship for our son. And the fact that I think I am too old (28) to do the whole dating thing again.

So am I just an ******* or over thinking?

 

[reddevil1111]

Russ,
You have typical marriage crap mixed in with the PTSD and its not working. you need to be getting some time with a therapist. I think that would help out a lot. Maybe throw in some marriage therapy as well. Start that out alone and then add her to it. Marriage is work if you both retreat into yourselves as you have been I don't give you much hope for it working out.
I am recently divorced and I am 43. You are never to old to start over but why start over when you can work out what your going through. Trust me on this, you need to start working on you first and foremost. I bet your wife will start to change as she notices you working on the changes yourself. Start to make the effort and you will see rewards. Her weight gain is her way of saying she is giving up.
Welcome to the forum by the way.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Russ

Welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear of your situation. Pull up a chair, we'll be glad to help as we can. Lots of good info and great vets here. Don't try to do it all at once. It's always gonna' be one day at a time. As Red mentioned, PTSD isn't nice to marriage or relationships. It can get better, though. Glad you made it back.

JarHed

 

[Jimmy1]

I have recently joined this forum and been doing some reading. But now I am a ready to tell my story for some advice.

I am a young man in my late 20's who have only been married to my younger wife for 3 years. I have a young son with my wife and she has a older daughter from a previous relationship.

I am a former infantry soldier who served 2 combat tours of Iraq, my last tour didn't end so well and I received a purple heart medal. Along with that I also brought home PTSD. This is all before I met my wife.

I have been dealing with my disorder on my own, was heavily into self medicating and one night stands before I met my wife. I was just trying to forget and getting myself lost in all the wrong things. Mostly drugs,alcohol and women.

My wife got pregnant after only 5 months in our relationship, my longest ever. So I did the right thing and got my act together and slowed down my life.

But due to my PTSD, I am out of touch with my feelings and emotions most of the time. I rarely show them, in a war zone you learn to forget them but I am working on recovering them. It affects me in strange ways, I was built up to think I was superman so I know I can come off as a ****y arrogant ******* at times. Then other times I tend to just shut down and barely speak a word the whole day. My sense of humor is different, my wife says its sick, but when you joke around with guys in a warzone for a whole year you have to be creative and entertain yourselfs.

Now back to marriage I'm not sure what is going on. We barely speak because I feel she judges everything I say and says I'm being mean when I joke around. She barely talks because she says I don't care, when I do I just prefer not care about anything and take everything with a grain of salt as part of my therapy. **** happens, its all about how you react.
Another issue that disturbs me is her weight gain, I understand people gain wait. I'm 200lbs but in a great shape. But she has discovered Netflix and just sits on the couch literally all day watching TV eating snacks all day. Then when we are in a good place together and have a good day, at night she wants sex but I have to refuse because her weight gain has left her body not sexually attractive. I have tried to have sex with her but it is always unenjoyable and boring. I found that alcohol usually helps me to get thru it.
She is very lazy at times and always seems to do the bate minimum. She does not work she is a stay at home mom and I don't mind that. But I just wish she would do more to which she says I order her around. Basically it all comes down to, if I don't cook I don't eat, have to do my own laundry or it will sit until she feels like it.
I know she also holds a lot of hostility and regret towards me for an affair i had with one of her friends before we were married. She often tells me how she hates and how I ruined her life when she drinks.
She doesn't respect my disorder when it is bad like depression wise and just tells me to be a man and suck it up.
I fear that I am only still in this relationship for our son. And the fact that I think I am too old (28) to do the whole dating thing again.

So am I just an ******* or over thinking?

Russ, welcome to the forum. I am going to attempt to answer some of your questions, as well as that I will ask you some questions.

I am older at 47 and this is my third and final marriage. The first marriage went down the drain because she screwed around with a so called friend and the second went wayward because of PTSD. You see, we married before PTSD and regardless of 'In sickness and in health and the whole till death do you part' thing, I believe women have a choice as we are not the people they first met.

So here comes my first question.... Did she marry you knowing you had PTSD, and secondly, how much does she know about PTSD.

Now the whole self medicating and screwing around thing is quite common, I did it and the whole dating thing at 44 so you are not too old. Regardless of that, you have a marriage that can be saved.

You also have to consider a couple of other things. She may have 'Post Natal' depression and on top of that, living with a person who has PTSD can add other factors, like a thing called secondary PTSD.
Now she will have to want her to help herself first, maybe put all the attention to her for a while and ask her to seek help, better still, find some help for her. Some of the guys on here might be able to help you as I am from Australia.

I speak from experience as Margaret my wife has had some issues with stress and depression which we have jumped on. We very rarely have sex and that is my fault. I find her very attractive, but the whole feeling like sex thing can go down the drain too.
PTSD is a nasty beast, one minute your screwing around like a jack rabbit, and the next you don't feel like it. So don't blame her weight gain on you not wanting sex.

Now think about her for a minute. She married you with PTSD, she has had your son, and now she is struggling. The only real sad side is that she probably does no know anything is wrong with her, that is why she blames you and you only hear about it when you drink. But she has stayed with you mate. That accounts for something.

My suggestion, read up on PTSD, go professional help for your marriage and your son. I am sure some of the blokes on here can point you in the right direction.

Sorry if I seem blunt, comes with the territory.

 

[Chin Strapped]

I destroyed my first marriage at 26 in A similar way, I now am a part-time Dad to my daughter; which is shit, but how it will always be now. I got with my ex and married far too quick, so the ptsd just opened up cracks in our relationship quicker. It also made me a Nasty f*cker and she didn't deserve that, nor my daughter. So understanding ptsd for yourself and her is key to your survival together.

I'm glad my first marriage went down the drain in hindsight, it just pickled my brain when it happened.

Good luck Russ and welcome.

 

[Chin Strapped]

I've read your intro a few times mate and it rings so many bells for me personally. I'm 28 with a divorce behind me, re-married and two kids; one I see part time as mentioned. I self medicated for ages.

If you want to talk in private you are welcome to pm me, I'm still on the road to recovery mind!

 

[Jimmy1]

Your a good bloke dan

 

[Zipperhead]

It sounds like it's a two way street there Russ. You both need to get some help. Marriage counselling may be the answer, but only if she's willing to accept that she is part of the problem. I know PTSD can be hard to live with, but her reactions are not helping. Staying in the relationship just for your son isn't a great idea either. If you honestly can't respect her, what message will that send your son about women? You need to decide if it's even viable to fix this, and if it is, get in there and fix it before there are too many bad memories to smooth over.

As for the black humour, well, women don't usually appreciate black humour. Better to avoid it when she's around. It's probably not going to change.

 

[Chin Strapped]

Your a good bloke dan

Also a liar, I'm 29, forgot about the birthday last week already.

 

[Ned]

Russ, what they've said. Plus, you're young. Really. Plenty of time to re-build, both of yous.

 

[vikingr12]

Welcome to the forum, Russ. It's the right place.

First, you are never too old. I guess you can be but I was 50 when I got my divorce. And she now regrets it and blames it on her. It was just 17 years of anger. I think she was the one with PTSD actually. And now I have a younger, sexy wife who loves my guts.

Marriage counseling can help but I would not go separately. Go together and share things openly, honestly with each other in front of a good therapist. It will take time to find one you both are comfortable with. You might try getting away from each other just for a short bit, maybe a week. Have one day that you do together. A dinner even if it's Mickey D's. No kids. Leave'em with a babysitter or a Mom and Dad.

I know about the dark humor and the "stuffing" of feelings. You have to to survive that $hit. But learn to let things go now. "They are not shooting at you" is what I used to say all the time, although at times I was sure they were. Stress from other sources is a real danger point and bleeds over to poison the whole attempt to recover. I had and still have a stressful job and it is so hard to keep from beating someone to a pulp at times. I was never like that before. So I just imagine doing it and walk away.

Try to forget the oold sayings you learned in the discipline we all know: I still catch myself hearing: "Remember. There is always ONE MORE THING TO DO." Airborne instructor talk. I get tired now when I hear it.

Learn to apologize with sincerity. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it" is usually enough. No explanations needed most of the time. Do it often. Sell your pride to the homeless bum. He needs it more than you do.

And take one bite at a time. You know the expression. Don't eat the whole <elephant, gorilla, buffalo>. Think local, not global. Live in the here and now, not the anxiety of the future or what the Afghans might think of you. You are home now. Home. A beautiful 4 letter word. Live with your hands and things around you, not things you don't or can't have. But never give up on good dreams. Embrace life and other living things.

Sleep, sleep, sleep. Never feel guilty about sleeping. It may be the hardest thing to learn. It still is for me. If you have to take drugs, take'em. The legal kind. Lay off the alcohol for a while. It's poison for the mind.

Slap on the ass. Give'em hell. Remember: life itself is fatal. You are free now. Enjoy every single second of it.

 

[heyitsruss]

Thank you all for the strong words and understanding. Means a lot. And yes I know I am mostly to blame for my actions. I know in don't try as hard as I should. I just really hate to have a forced relationship which is gonna add more stress upon me. I rather things be natural and us happy together. I often also feel like I am the only putting in effort, minimum effort, but effort nonetheless.
I have also been thinking that she has more deep personality issues. I tried to bring it up that she should also go to counseling but that idea was shoot down as I am "the one with the mental problems" as she puts it.
I admit I have only begun to notice her mental problems and mood swings since I been sober. I was either too drunk or didn't care in the past to notice they were there.
I feel like the more improvements I make in my personal life the more we seem to drift apart. After getting sober I have been a regular in therapy, I make an effort to eat healthy and work out. I read more and just appreciate the smaller things.