PTSD and New Relationship

[Lost2019]

I was in an abusive relationship from 17 to 29 with a man twenty-three years my senior. Things became progressively worse when I wanted to leave, where he began to rape me, not let me leave the house, disconnect internet/cable/take my phone to work with him and our only car. Drained our bank account ect. Then when I was able to escape, he stalked me and attempted to kidnap one of our children, and made suicide threats to me and our children. It was complete hell.

It has been almost four years, and since then I have met... what I think is a good man. I struggle with it, because I do not trust my own judgement a lot. But he was very supportive when I opened up to him and even waited a lot longer than most men would to have sex because of my issues.

My only on going problem is, when I have an issue with him. He will bring up my past ... like how can I be upset about this, when my ex did that. Or he will tell me, I am just projecting my own issues onto him and he hasn't done anything wrong. He never does anything wrong. Sometimes he will even tell me it's been almost 4 years... get over it, ect.

Last week, I bumped into my ex unexpectedly, I hadn't seen him in over a year. And it sent me through a spiral of anxiety and feeling down. I told my current boyfriend, and he wasn't very receptive to how I was feeling and shrugged it off. I guess I was in a "bad mood" for the week, and then I told him I was upset he wasn't there for me more. And he sent me a string of nasty texts, telling me how I love to play the martyr and he hopes I am happy with myself for making him feel like crap. And that if I really cared for him none of this stuff would cause my anxiety, ect.

I am not perfect, like I know I probably was not being my usual fun self, and in a funk. I honestly have felt like complete crap for a week with anxiety and nightmares. But I just feel like he should be there for me. And now I am feeling like I just set myself into another unhealthy relationship. But maybe I am over reacting. I know he has issues with taking fault, and if I was to put all the blame on my ex for my feelings I know he would have been there. I guess it just hurts that that is what he really thinks about me.

 

[Gs172003]

I was in an abusive relationship from 17 to 29 with a man twenty-three years my senior. Things became progressively worse when I wanted to leave, where he began to rape me, not let me leave the house, disconnect internet/cable/take my phone to work with him and our only car. Drained our bank account ect. Then when I was able to escape, he stalked me and attempted to kidnap one of our children, and made suicide threats to me and our children. It was complete hell.

It has been almost four years, and since then I have met... what I think is a good man. I struggle with it, because I do not trust my own judgement a lot. But he was very supportive when I opened up to him and even waited a lot longer than most men would to have sex because of my issues.

My only on going problem is, when I have an issue with him. He will bring up my past ... like how can I be upset about this, when my ex did that. Or he will tell me, I am just projecting my own issues onto him and he hasn't done anything wrong. He never does anything wrong. Sometimes he will even tell me it's been almost 4 years... get over it, ect.

Last week, I bumped into my ex unexpectedly, I hadn't seen him in over a year. And it sent me through a spiral of anxiety and feeling down. I told my current boyfriend, and he wasn't very receptive to how I was feeling and shrugged it off. I guess I was in a "bad mood" for the week, and then I told him I was upset he wasn't there for me more. And he sent me a string of nasty texts, telling me how I love to play the martyr and he hopes I am happy with myself for making him feel like crap. And that if I really cared for him none of this stuff would cause my anxiety, ect.

I am not perfect, like I know I probably was not being my usual fun self, and in a funk. I honestly have felt like complete crap for a week with anxiety and nightmares. But I just feel like he should be there for me. And now I am feeling like I just set myself into another unhealthy relationship. But maybe I am over reacting. I know he has issues with taking fault, and if I was to put all the blame on my ex for my feelings I know he would have been there. I guess it just hurts that that is what he really thinks about me.

Are you in therapy? If you aren't you need to be. As far as this new man...he is using your pain as a tool and that is not ok. Ever.

 

[Friday]

One of the weird side effects of being in DV is the idea that you can’t leave a relationship UNLESS it’s unhealthy/abusive/etc.

You can.

It doesn’t mean you have to, but you can break up with this guy for zero reason whatsoever, much less a “good” reason, like you don’t like the way he treats you when you’re havin a hard time. <<< That? Really IS a good reason. Because you will have hard times for the rest of your life, we all do, and how our partner deals with those? Is just as important to mesh up as anything else.

If you like the way he deals with stuff? Awesome. If not? That’s worth breaking up over.

 

[grit]

It is easy to see why you should leave him but honestly I am not gonna say to you because you have way more info than I do. I will ask you though why stay with him? What are the needs, that he or the last guy or maybe the next guy, are fulfilling. They know and you know, maybe not aware of. But you need to know that in order to make sense out of the situation. And then you may see this relationship for what it is.

 

[Ronin]

But I just feel like he should be there for me.

He should.

You should not be made to feel hurt, time after time, just for having bad days (we all got those).

Or for being hurt before.

Trust your instincts on this, Lost.
If you do not feel comfortable, you do not need to give anyone else time to fix things once again, another chance, What If he is better after all, etc... because he had more than enough chances.

Just because he is unhealthy in different ways than the one before does not mean he is less unhealthy.

 

[EveHarrington]

A real man wouldn’t treat you this way.

Dump him.

You deserve better.

 

[Deanna]

I never tell anyone about my background because I don't want someone rubbing it in my face. So, curious, why did u tell him all of that?

 

[EveHarrington]

I never tell anyone about my background because I don't want someone rubbing it in my face.

There are good people out there who won’t hurt you in this way. They may be harder to find, but they do exist.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

I am a supporter. I am also a sufferer from being in an 18 year abusive relationship with a narcissist.

There are several things that you said that caught my attention (my ‘red flags’.....and obviously biased by my own experiences):
When people who claim to love you use what you have shared with them to minimize or excuse their behaviour or to hurt you, that is not love. It is a deep betrayal.
Narcissists never feel like they have done anything wrong. They will claim that you are the one with the problem. They will twist everything around so that you think it is your fault.

I understand the pain of not knowing whether to leave or stay. Trust your instincts. If there is something ‘off’ or if you think to yourself ‘I would never use that information in that way/act in that way/tolerate this in any other relationship’ then that is your answer. Right now I have to go even one deeper to drive it home to myself when I waiver...would I want my daughter to be in a relationship like this? How would I feel about that?
What would I say to them?

It always seems clearer when you aren’t the one in the relationship.

Stay strong.

Peace.