Relationship Ptsd And/or Just Being A Total A-hole?

[Hojay]

The situation with my sufferer has come to a complete standstill. Yesterday he asked me how I feel about the volatile situation we are in, and I told him, calmly, what I was feeling. We talked about transparency issues and I told him I still have a hard time coming to terms with his secretive nature. He then hijacked the conversation to how I never listen to him and always misunderstand him, how I don't take him seriously and that if I suspect him of lying to me or cheating on me then it was totally pointless to even tell me about his condition....

He went into a complete panic attack, started hitting himself, spouting terrible accusations at me, etc. When I try to defend myself, he claims I'm purposefully hurting him and pushing him, while I should KNOW what goes on in his head etc. And when I reach out to clarify the situation he accuses me of never letting him calm down and always pushing him, how it's not about me when he gets so angry, it's the memory of the abuse he suffered that is causing him to flare up. It's like he's trying to mess with my sense of reality. He is saying terrible things to ME, about what I'M doing and saying, shutting ME down and accusing me of being the abuser - and it's supposed to not be about me?

Basically what he is doing is amounting to mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. I am at the end of my rope. He is being completely self righteous, self absorbed, and irrational - and I'm not allowed to even get in touch with him, let alone confront him with his behavior (if I express how hurtful it is, he's quick to say things like "I'm just hurting you anyway, we should end this, it's not fair to you" - in other words just defeatists stuff that is also starting to feel manipulative.)

He has turned from an incredibly empathetic, understanding, and kind man who always did his best to make it work and find a way ...to this. I don't know what to do anymore. But most of all, I don't know what is PTSD and what is just being an abusive, self-righteous a-hole.

Ps: he was in intensive treatment for months, but has had to take a break for work reasons for the last month.

 

[feetfirst]

I was in a similar situation. It's really tough to bear. I'm unsure if my experience will help you, but it worked for me. I sent him an email talking about my experience of him escalating and how it affected me. I also told him in the future I would simply say, "you're escalating love." If he continued to escalate, I'd leave the conversation so he could feel his feelings without me feeling attacked or responding (which only seems to fuel the escalation).

I did this a few months ago and it seems to be working. He was better able to hear what I was saying because he could read the email when he was in a place to be able to take it in. I'm not sure he really understood how much it was affecting me. He really did believe it was just about him, even though he was projecting his feelings onto me. His behavior has definitely changed for the better. While talking, he'll take short breaks rather than continuing and letting his emotions build up. He's not escalating as frequently, and when he does, letting him know he's doing it usually brings him back down pretty quickly or we agree to talk at another time.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you're taking care of yourself throughout.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is one of those times you exit the situation. The first hint of a melt down, leave.

If he wants to have a discussion he can call you when he is ready to communicate, not rant.

You cannot comfort, defend yourself, reason or argue with a sufferer in this state. Just pack it in.

Don't escalate the situation. If he's escalating he can do it on his own time.

 

[Hojay]

This is all very helpful, thank you! I admit that I take the bait too often and start defending myself, which further escalates the situation and leaves room for him to become even more abusive and accusatory. I'm just learning how hard it is for me to be treated badly, then pack it in and wait until the other person sees it fit to talk. I just don't know how to wait around, not knowing when the situation will be resolved. Also, often talking about the cycle seems to just start it right back up so I have the urge to solve it while I'm actually talking to him...not wait however many days until I can make myself heard.

Today I did something I've never done before - not actually talk about my boundaries but living them. I asked him when it would be good to talk for him. He said he can't say whether or not he wants to talk tonight. I said that's okay, I can't and don't want to talk tonight anyway. He immediately pounced on some delusion that I have plans with someone tonight I don't want him to know about. I told him that didn't want to tell him who I'm meeting (just a friend) because I don't discuss the details of my time with someone who verbally abuses me. This was not some manipulation. I genuinely don't know why I am supposed to open up to someone who treats me so badly. He flipped, of course, but I stayed firm. Late he wrote to apologize, that he reread everything I wrote and I'm right. It's a small victory, but it matters to me. It's a learning process for sure of not taking the bait and just enforcing boundaries stone cold - even if it means not resolving the stuff he accuses me of and giving him the silent and/or stonewall treatment.

 

[dulcia]

You cannot comfort, defend yourself, reason or argue with a sufferer in this state. Just pack it in.

I still have trouble with this, but when they're "in that state" it's like talking to a 3-year old. I ask myself, 'would you continue to try and argue with a toddler at this point?' when I have trouble disengaging.

 

[Amack]

I think the BIG RED LIGHT for me in this was......He was in intensive care treatment and had to take a break for work which would mean he was NOT done. He would then be extremely vulnerable to PTSD symptoms. Maybe, just dial the whole relationship back for a bit....would be my suggestion at least until he can further his treatment and acquire better coping skills. WE have been right there in what your describing with the arguments and such but until mine learned how to deal it was useless to expect triumphs. You have the right to require respect and non abusive communication but he may be so volatile at this point he can't. That is why I would suggest dialing it back until he seeks help....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

This is one of those times you exit the situation. The first hint of a melt down, leave.

You cannot comfort, defend yourself, reason or argue with a sufferer in this state. Just pack it in.

As a sufferer, I can't agree more with this. In a state in which you described, everything I feel, do, and say is irrational and I can't be rational. I just can't. So if I am escalating, if the "supporters" in my life left, even just to go in another room and closed and locked the door (made it so I couldn't follow) or went for a drive for an hour or something of that sort. I would calm down. Some times it takes more time. A few days. But once I can calm myself then more rational thoughts come and I can back away and see my wrongs. I obtain that self awareness of my wrongs in the situation.

But, I do struggle with disengaging on my own. Whether that is to walk away to calm or leave a thread here when i am triggered into an emotional freezy, disengaging and walking away is something I struggle with. But, if the other person left the convo until I calmed, then I don't have a choice. If I am struggling with disengaging at the point, this releaves me of the need or the job or how ever you want to think of it.

I know I struggle with disengaging and I think he does too with his words of being better without him and self injury of hitting himself. I think he knows he is hurting you but can't seem to disengage and calm himself and I also would say that it is connected to the fact that he is no longer in care as intensive care likely gave him not just therapy but structure. Where he didn't have to guess on what to do or what was expected and was given the tools on how to deal and handle situations and it is clear he wasn't ready to leave and so without that he is like a fish without water. I know I can tell when I go just a week without therapy. It is hard and my emotions are all over the place. My "supporters" often make comments about how they could tell i didn't go to therapy that week. So there is a lot connected to that i think.

So walking away and/or leaving is the best thing you can do. He isn't rational so trying to defend or reason with him isn't going to work. You can't make sense of nonsense. That's what it is like when one is trying to be rational with me when I am incapable, at that point in time, of being rational.

So there's my 2 cents in this situation.

 

[Hojay]

As a sufferer, I can't agree more with this.

this is so, so helpful. Thank you! It's hard to forget how little control my sufferer actually has on those moments. It both breaks my heart and makes me furious. But your reply here is a great reminder to just do him the favor and end the conversation. If there is no improvement over time, however, and this is how it is, it's not much of an eye-level relationship...it's just so hard to know when to fold.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

it's just so hard to know when to fold.

That is understanding. I'd say folding right now when he has no help isn't fair to him. I understand your position but he has no help in knowing how to regulate himself. So wait until he is back in therapy a while before making that decision. Any descion inside of an emotional time isn't a good one. Wait until the timing is much less emotional before making a decision that big.

Just another 2 cents.

 

[Hojay]

That is understanding. I'd say folding right now when he has no help isn't fair to him. I u...

You're completely right. I think that's the most helpful 2 cents I've received in a while. I mean, it's simple but not quite as obvious as it may seem in this situation. I think I will wait until he is back in regular therapy and see how we progress. Also give myself a time limit as to how long I can wait for him to figure out when/how to go back. He's in the process of doing that, so that's good.

Thank you, just the kind of pragmatic advice I need right now!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you, just the kind of pragmatic advice I need right now!

Me? Pragmatic? No way! You're welcome! ;)

 

[Gs172003]

As a sufferer, I can't agree more with this. In a state in which you described, everything I...

^ this.

This is me. I'm working on it but it's me. I was this today and it's not taking as long but it's still there. But...I'm in therapy and have this group now.