PTSD and reliving an old trauma

[BlueSkiesAhead]

When I was in my late teens I was sexually assaulted. Afterwards my life kind of spiralled out of control for a while. I was drinking to forget and my mental health was bad. I was self harming and suicidal. After taking an overdose and having constant suicidal thoughts I went into a psychiatric hospital for a short while which didn’t really help but I was told I had PTSD.

At the time I tried counselling but only went a couple of times and found it too hard to relive what happened. I moved away from the area and I guess I suppressed everything and forced myself not to think about what happened.

For years things were “okay” I have anxiety and depression on and off but nothing major. Any thoughts of what happened I would push out of my mind. Recently my anxiety has been worse so I decided to go to see a psychotherapist. So far I have only had 4 sessions and we haven’t touched on any of the trauma at all but since I started the therapy I feel like my mental health has taken a dramatic turn for the worse.

I have been feeling constantly down and unmotivated along with having really negative suicidal thoughts (I also have what I need to do it but it’s more of a backup plan I guess and I know how silly that sounds). I have also self harmed a couple of times which is something I haven’t done in over 8 years. I haven’t told my therapist the above yet.

My therapist knows about the ptsd diagnosis and asked whether I had flashbacks etc back then but I honestly can’t remember/my mind won’t let me go there.

I do have unwanted images from the event pop into my head and weirdly they’re always from the vantage point of a third person, so as if I’m looking at the scene from above/across the street. I also have never spoken about what happened since shortly after it happened and I can’t say the word either, I also hate hearing or seeing it. If I get unwanted thoughts or images I tell myself nope I’m not going there and push them out of my head.

Recently I have noticed that the thoughts etc are happening more frequently. I also noticed that when they come I get these intense shivers/tingling that spreads from my shoulders in a wave right down to my toes and I have no idea what that is or if it’s ptsd related. I really don’t even know if I have ptsd.

I feel a bit silly about agreeing to therapy when I do want to talk about it because I want to see if working on the past will help me be able to
cope and feel better but Im also terrified to open up about it in case it makes everything worse and takes me right back to how I was after it happened years ago.

I also had an issue recently of not being able to remember what happened in a therapy session. I tried to recall it so I could go over what was said but I couldn’t recall what was said at all which is really frustrating.

Does this sound like ptsd? Is it normal to struggle the closer it gets to talking about something difficult? And does anyone have any tips on making it easier to talk to my therapist about what happened?

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t have any good tips other then writing things out to hand to them. I can’t diagnose you but I can most definitely agree that just being in therapy brings all that sh*t to the forefront and things get worse before they get better.

 

[EveHarrington]

Therapy for trauma & ptsd WILL make symptoms worse before things get better. It’s just the nature of the beast.

 

[Friday]

Does this sound like ptsd? Is it normal to struggle the closer it gets to talking about something difficult?

Yep. Very much so.

 

[Gs172003]

When I was in my late teens I was sexually assaulted. Afterwards my life kind of spiralled out of control for a while. I was drinking to forget and my mental health was bad. I was self harming and suicidal. After taking an overdose and having constant suicidal thoughts I went into a psychiatric hospital for a short while which didn’t really help but I was told I had PTSD.

At the time I tried counselling but only went a couple of times and found it too hard to relive what happened. I moved away from the area and I guess I suppressed everything and forced myself not to think about what happened.

For years things were “okay” I have anxiety and depression on and off but nothing major. Any thoughts of what happened I would push out of my mind. Recently my anxiety has been worse so I decided to go to see a psychotherapist. So far I have only had 4 sessions and we haven’t touched on any of the trauma at all but since I started the therapy I feel like my mental health has taken a dramatic turn for the worse.

I have been feeling constantly down and unmotivated along with having really negative suicidal thoughts (I also have what I need to do it but it’s more of a backup plan I guess and I know how silly that sounds). I have also self harmed a couple of times which is something I haven’t done in over 8 years. I haven’t told my therapist the above yet.

My therapist knows about the ptsd diagnosis and asked whether I had flashbacks etc back then but I honestly can’t remember/my mind won’t let me go there.

I do have unwanted images from the event pop into my head and weirdly they’re always from the vantage point of a third person, so as if I’m looking at the scene from above/across the street. I also have never spoken about what happened since shortly after it happened and I can’t say the word either, I also hate hearing or seeing it. If I get unwanted thoughts or images I tell myself nope I’m not going there and push them out of my head.

Recently I have noticed that the thoughts etc are happening more frequently. I also noticed that when they come I get these intense shivers/tingling that spreads from my shoulders in a wave right down to my toes and I have no idea what that is or if it’s ptsd related. I really don’t even know if I have ptsd.

I feel a bit silly about agreeing to therapy when I do want to talk about it because I want to see if working on the past will help me be able to
cope and feel better but Im also terrified to open up about it in case it makes everything worse and takes me right back to how I was after it happened years ago.

I also had an issue recently of not being able to remember what happened in a therapy session. I tried to recall it so I could go over what was said but I couldn’t recall what was said at all which is really frustrating.

Does this sound like ptsd? Is it normal to struggle the closer it gets to talking about something difficult? And does anyone have any tips on making it easier to talk to my therapist about what happened?

This sounds very familiar. I need to continue with therapy but I am too afraid too to be honest. Don't be me. Get the help you need.

 

[BlueSkiesAhead]

So now I’m even more worried about going to therapy. A few hours after writing this post I was unable to sleep.

I then ended up I guess reliving a past trauma (it was like watching a video of part of it but also being there again) it came from nowhere. I was lying down and suddenly had to sit bolt upright because I was upset and couldn’t regulate my breathing properly. I started getting really hot/sweaty, my whole body was shaking and my lips and mouth was tingling. I used a breathing app on my phone to help and after around 5 minutes I had managed to get my breathing back to normal and I was “okay”. I wasn’t able to lie down for a while and had to sit up in bed until I felt better. I assume it was a panic attack? I have only had one before (after the event that had come to my mind). That has just reinforced my fears of this all being too much for me to cope with and I don’t know what to do about therapy now.

Is a therapist responsible to make sure I’m okay between sessions if they’re a month apart or will I just be left to get on with things? Should they reduce the time between appointments? I’m really wondering whether to go through with this now because it seems everything I have been worrying about is happening.

I don’t have any good tips other then writing things out to hand to them. I can’t diagnose you but I can most definitely agree that just being in therapy brings all that sh*t to the forefront and things get worse before they get better.

Thank you, I think I will write out a few things then at least if I struggle to talk I will be able to show them those. That’s my fear, especially if I have to wait up to a month between appointments.

Therapy for trauma & ptsd WILL make symptoms worse before things get better. It’s just the nature of the beast.

Thank you for replying. This is my biggest concern and that I won’t cope between appointments but I will hopefully be able to bring up this concern at the next appointment before we get onto the hard things.

Yep. Very much so.

Thanks for replying. Hopefully once I have allayed my fears to the therapist they will be able to help.

This sounds very familiar. I need to continue with therapy but I am too afraid too to be honest. Don't be me. Get the help you need.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It’s so hard to push past all of the negative thoughts and dealing with things I’d rather forget but I’m hoping it will be a step forward in the long run. I hope you are able to start therapy when you feel ready.

 

[MyWillow]

What changed things for me was my psydoc T who - despite being tiny and older and reminding me of a female yoda - assured me she was strong enough to hear anything I needed to tell her. That I couldn’t shock her. Who, with empathy, told me how angry she was with the people who hurt me because I didn’t have the ability to be angry.

 

[knuckles]

A lot of what you describe you are struggling with ressonates with me.

I started therapy late last year. Have trouble with remembering what happens in therapy, can't really speak in sessions, and push myself off my trail of thoughts if they ever veer in a certain directions. I still wonder if therapy is a good idea.

The thing is, when I look back through the years I see a decreased ability to function "normally". I have isolated more and more, lost touch with friends and have started to struggle to "keep up appearances" with those in my family I do see and even when going grocery shopping. And this is why I believe I do need to stick with therapy - I am just not able to get better on my own, at this point in time.

My therapist is okay with emails, and I have used this as a means to let her know some of the things that are going on; how my mind seems to dysfunction and how I stumble and struggle with everyday chores and relations. It won't replace dialogue, but it helps her to gain insight. I have written things to her with the added plea that she does not bring it up until I do so myself - and she respects that. Once I wrote something down (just vague outlines and words), and arranged with her, that I would give it to her in session, and when she had read it, she would give it back to me - and not mention it. I then burned the note.
I started therapy about 8 months ago and we are still working on how I can calm down and function, both in session and in the time between. It's not as easy as I would like it to be. What I do know helps, both her and me, is me letting her know what's going on; what I struggle with and how my mind seems to work (or not work). It helps her to help me.

 

[BlueSkiesAhead]

What changed things for me was my psydoc T who - despite being tiny and older and reminding me of a female yoda - assured me she was strong enough to hear anything I needed to tell her. That I couldn’t shock her. Who, with empathy, told me how angry she was with the people who hurt me because I didn’t have the ability to be angry.

I think it’s great you can talk to your t and she told you you didn’t need to sensor anything for her. She sounds like a lovely t!

A lot of what you describe you are struggling with ressonates with me.

I started therapy late last year. Have trouble with remembering what happens in therapy, can't really speak in sessions, and push myself off my trail of thoughts if they ever veer in a certain directions. I still wonder if therapy is a good idea.

The thing is, when I look back through the years I see a decreased ability to function "normally". I have isolated more and more, lost touch with friends and have started to struggle to "keep up appearances" with those in my family I do see and even when going grocery shopping. And this is why I believe I do need to stick with therapy - I am just not able to get better on my own, at this point in time.

My therapist is okay with emails, and I have used this as a means to let her know some of the things that are going on; how my mind seems to dysfunction and how I stumble and struggle with everyday chores and relations. It won't replace dialogue, but it helps her to gain insight. I have written things to her with the added plea that she does not bring it up until I do so myself - and she respects that. Once I wrote something down (just vague outlines and words), and arranged with her, that I would give it to her in session, and when she had read it, she would give it back to me - and not mention it. I then burned the note.
I started therapy about 8 months ago and we are still working on how I can calm down and function, both in session and in the time between. It's not as easy as I would like it to be. What I do know helps, both her and me, is me letting her know what's going on; what I struggle with and how my mind seems to work (or not work). It helps her to help me.

Wow what you said about your ability to function over the years dropping made me think and I would say it’s exactly the same for me. My anxiety has gotten worse, I prefer just my own company and I’m feeling depressed and stuck again.

Like you, I also think I do need to give it a good try I’m just worried that I’m going to end up with monthly 50 min appointments which I feel would be useless. But because it’s through the NHS I will perhaps be limited to the frequency and length of treatment.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your t which is brilliant. I hope I can build a good trusting relationship with mine. I also was thinking about giving my t some entries from my diary so he has an understanding of how I feel without saying it out loud but I would also prefer he doesn’t keep them!

Thanks for taking the time to reply I appreciate it and your post has been helpful.

 

[knuckles]

Like you, I also think I do need to give it a good try I’m just worried that I’m going to end up with monthly 50 min appointments which I feel would be useless. But because it’s through the NHS I will perhaps be limited to the frequency and length of treatment.

I can understand that worry. I have 2-4 weeks between my sessions, due to various aspects. I have read several places that if you are to work on trauma you ought to have weekly sessions - and preferably longer than an hour. It can make it seem a waste of time and money to even start. I still wonder/worry if it is worth it.
But I try to just let that thought be - I tend to loose the battle if I engage with it to reason it out of existence. And besides I am no where near ready to focus on trauma work - we are working on the preliminary stuff.

This current t I am seeing is the third t in four years. The previous ones have referred me on. And even though I felt like a failure and that it was all a waste of time/money that I should have known better than to try, when therapy stopped, I have come to find - every time - that I have learned something valuable about my self, how I deal with therapy, how I cope with the relationship with the t, how I manage to calm down and re-focus on my everyday chores etc. There has been something to gain every single time.

I hope for you, that you will find therapy beneficial, even if it takes a different form than what is recommended. And should you find that, for some reason, this therapist or the kind of therapy he offers, isn't what reaches you where you are right now - I hope that you will be able to use it as a stepping stone on your path onwards towards a less trauma-tainted life.

 

[Starfire]

It takes time to develop trust & confidence between you & your T. Truly necessary before getting to the hard stuff. Called that forgetting stuff erasing. Can't always remember a session or event. Luckily T takes notes!! Get horribly cold not shaking. Usually a sign touching on difficult issues. My humble advise: take your time. Don't rush. I've been able to connect so many dots between events & other life decisions. My T doesn't believe in reliving every bit of the trauma. He says he has no intention of re traumatizing but it is necessary to know the facts. Take good care of yourself.

 

[Atticus]

BSA,

Interesting you mention the 'intense shivers' as they were a dead giveaway that something was wrong, when I started getting them. Sometimes I get so amped I can feel my whole body shaking internally.

That's when I decided to see a psychiatrist, which has helped immeasurably.

Next to intrusive thoughts that won't go away sometimes, being in perpetual fight-or-flight was the second most bothersome symptom.