Relationship Ptsd And The Children Involved

[mary jones]

So far everything I have read is between a spouse/gf/bf and the "sufferer" are affected. I haven't been able to find anything about the children involved. We have 2 very small children. Thank God they are too young to know/realize what is going on.

A little background. I have been with my husband for going on 5 years now, married almost 3. He is military and went to Afghanistan and came back a very angry bitter man. He verbally abuses me, tries to physically intimidate me (ie throwing things and breaking them), kicks the crap out of the dog and has to put me down almost every chance he gets. I literally got pregnant the night he came home (talk about perfect timing huh?). So, in turn I have been trying to put up with everything, take it, fight back, but it has been draining. I feared for my unborn child because of the stress I was under. I sought counseling and tried to get him to go.

After having my car packed and on my way out the door, did he finally agree to go. But he stopped, saying it interfered too much with work and that it wasn't his problem anyways. I was the one that changed and I was the one that needed help. Sure I need help in dealing with him! I know i need counseling for what this situation has done to me.

We are currently separated as he is deployed and let me tell you, I am getting stronger and am ready to move on get out of this toxic situation. My concern is my children though. How do I handle this? I cannot WILL NOT put them back in this situation. My husband is not doing anything to try and fix this, he is loading it all on me and says I need to fix everything. BUt what about the kids? Does anyone know how this affects them? I constantly worry about them not having the happiness they deserve because their father won't get help and can go off at any moment.

Thanks all!

 

[mary jones]

He has never been diagnosed with PTSD, but after talking to the counselor, she's pretty sure he has and I am showing all the signs of secondary PTSD. Plus reading posts, it almost my exact situation.

 

[intothelight]

Mary,

Your husband has PTSD, but that is no excuse to be abusive towards his family. Verbal abuse, violence (throwing things), emotional abuse, and abuse towards a pet is classified as domestic violence in my book. I am not an expert, but my PTSD is a result of prolonged domestic violence. Yes, it will affect children. It has affected each of my four children in different ways.

It is up to you to decide what is best for you and the children. You have no control whether you husband seeks help for his PTSD or not, but you do have control over how you decide to live or not live with it.

Not an easy choice and I wish you best as you work through this.

Debbie

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Mary, I am so sorry for you and your family's pain and suffering. If you search this forum for "children" you will find some things, but if you search on "boy" or "girl" you will find more. There are a number of mom's dealing with the fall out for kids here. How old are your children? They know and process a lot more than we think they do, even when very small. In fact, reading the information posts (especially Anthony's about PTSD and the ones related to the military) is very helpful.

Have you spoken with his CO about his behavior? Since he is still active military, if you want to try to stay with him/get him help, you might very well be best off moving out for a while given the abuse - and I totally agree with intothelight that it IS abuse that you've described. You can't control him, he has to decide to get better - but the more he has to face the reality of his actions (which, if he is like my husband, he may not remember) the more likely he is to get help.

I've gotten a lot of super advice from folks here (and the odd "dope slap" in-a-nice-way or two. Much appreciated BTW!) so you could search on me and find some stuff too. There was one that had a list of what children need... and safety is near the top of the list. I have moved my daughter and I into another house - even though my H is willingly in treatment, we just can't live with all that every day and stay sane ourselves. It just flat out wore me out. I feel MUCH better living in my "safe" house.

Wishing you peace and healing...

 

[Tosh]

Sending hope your way! Stay strong, you will get through this. I have PTSD, but I've never been violent towards my family because of it. There are ways that the emotions can be dealt with in a healthy ways. I was in a domestic violence situation for eight years with my former boyfriend. Dealing with the violence (along with childhood abuse) is the reason for my PTSD. What you are descibing is domestic violence in my book as well. Stay safe and best wishes to you and your family.

 

[mary jones]

Thank you everyone! I think I just need some reaffirmation sometimes that I'm not crazy. The ups and downs drive me nuts! Sometimes I swear I think I am crazy and the things that happened I imagined.

Mentally I know I can't go back unless something changes. But, I don't know what can change he refuses to see that he is the one doing this. Instead he just blames me, saying I changed, I'm not the same, I tick him off and that is why he goes off. But, I really just can't put my kids in that situation anymore. It's not healthy for them at all.

We have had arguments and he thinks I should just let EVERYTHING roll off my back and that he should be able to continue doing what he has been doing. With no repercussions.

I'm am so tired....... this has drained me and I worry about my kids so much and how this affects them, especially with me being so tired and a bit on edge.

Thanks again!

 

[Eleanor]

We have had arguments and he thinks I should just let EVERYTHING roll off my back and that he should be able to continue doing what he has been doing. With no repercussions.

Um. Right. Sign me up for that world:tdown:. Definitely a guy in need of a serious reality check.

Hang in there. Better days down the road.

 

[mary jones]

Ha I have tried the reality check. Didn't really work, obviously. Maybe this one will for his sake.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I believe that one of the most eye opening suggestions that I came across when dealing with my PTSD ex husband who refused to take responsibility of his own actions was this:

Being in a PTSD environment puts a child at risk for trauma, because children often mimic the feelings (not to mention behaviors) of the parent. The more disorganized the parent, the more disorganized the child.

I made a point on another thread that I wish to reiterate- Without child abuse, this forum would not have the number of members that it does. Child abuse may not have developed the PTSD, but it can give a disposition for it. It is bad enough that PTSD is ruining your husbands life. Do not let it ruin your children's lives too.

 

[mary jones]

Thanks and that is what I have decided. It's sad that it has come to this, but I came from a very stable family life and can't put my girls through this.

 

[amethist]

What ever you decide Mary, remember you did your best for this long, and now it is up to him.

You have to take responsibility for your children, as who else have they but you.

Maybe once your husband see's that this is the only way forward, it may kick him to do something about this.

Hug your girls often, and let them know none of this is their fault.

Amethist

 

[Fender]

Anyone have any wisdom to share about teenagers being affected by parents with PTSD? I took my 17 year old daughter to the doctor today to discuss anxiety and depression issues, and now she's starting on medication. She has been very close to her stepdad--he supported her in so many ways, and I don't think she would be the smart, confident young woman she has become if he hadn't been there for her. Now he's cut us off from his life because of PTSD issues worse than he's ever faced before. Its hard enough for me to figure out and deal with, and its not something she should have to deal with at this stage of her life. I'm never sure how much of my grief, or how much of what's going on, should be shared with her.

And to Mary Jones: wishing you courage, peace, and good nights of sleep!